Advice on excuses ?

[Mum2dd19]

It is coming upto christmas . Every year so far I have spent it with my youngest child dad and it usually ends in a complete disaster. I feel like he see's this as one big opportunity not to do anything during this period. I end up doing all the cooking,cleaning and wrapping and if he could get away with it I guess he would even make me do the shopping alone. (Due to him owning a car ,I do ask him to take us shopping afterall he also eating this food.but why do I have to ask ?)When a suggestion is made about going out somewhere for the day or taking a break for this period I am given the answer of no . There seems to be no consideration to what I want to do or how I want to enjoy the christmas break with my children . In a few years time I probably never be able to get Christmas off due to work commitment (nhs lab scientist) so would like to do whatever I can whilst I am available .
When I do get him out anywhere he will just hang around and make things as unpleasant as possible I.e moan about the weather ,food having to walk a few yards anything you can think of he will moan about.He will mention how since it a place I want to go or as an act of persuasion I end up funding the whole day. It than turns into a day out or a day in focused on trying to read his feelings or keeping him happy for an easy ride.i.e leaving when he wants to leave or eating where he wants to eat. An example of this was me and the children was in the shop looking at glo lights for an upcoming fire display , he follow us around than puffs and storms out the shop because we took to long to pick one but he wasn't buying it anyway so why does it matter??..
I always feel this sense of anger and sadness ,I see other women partners or fathers so into everything and just enjoying themsleves getting on with it . I fed up of being this "mum" that does everything alone with her kids with no father around when in fact I am with someone . It sad because most places are not within public transport distance, so not even like you can just go along alone.This year I don't think I have the headspace or even strong enough to endure another Christmas period stuck in or out with someone like this.
My plan is to somehow get away for the whole Christmas period with the children or somehow make some excuse without being obvious or causing an argument .
My point is he doesn't want to do anything useful anyways, so why does he feel the need to be around ? I am just so confused in his way of thinking. There this massive part of me that wants to leave for good, but as a single women with two children not a great pay package the child cost justs wipes me out completely plus esp with uc in effect now it twice as difficult and is preventing me from buying a car or being able to run it. I feel like I am suffocated and I having to deal with these negative points to get by not actually resolving any of these issues . As without him dropping the kids off each morning, I would face charges of like £44 per day per child which I pay for, but on the other hand I cannot do it alone as I expected to be at work at 8.30 am without a car it 45 min commute and 40min walk back and forth to the school to than get the bus. We don't live together as last time we did it was a complete disaster, ideally it would make life easier but on the other hand if someone doesn't want to pay there half towards Bill's on time than it pointless putting yourself back in that situation.

[Majorcollywobble]

You are full of frustration as from what you say you are dependent on him to get the children so you can get to work on time . As you don’t live with him does he pay any maintenance for his child ?
As hard as it sounds the times he agrees to take you all out shopping etc . doesn’t seem worthwhile due to the backlash it creates . The anger and confusion you describe is eating away at you .
You are asking for excuses not to have to spend Christmas with him without causing problems further down the line . Can you ask him what kind of Christmas he would prefer ? And say that perhaps you both need a change this year ? You say you are with him but not with him - but the support he gives is so grudging that’s it’s
I’m so sorry you are going through this and also holding down a job . Could any family or friends help with the school run ?

[Mum2dd19]

None of my family live locally, plus have there own commitments in the morning.
I ask if he wants to do something and there no response other than stay at home .
I am trying to give my children the best life , a family unit days out but it seems it doesn't care at all. The activities I do are not so much for myself but to see the kids enjoy themselves.
I am at a place where I rather be alone with the kids, enjoy it without feeling the needs to please an extra person all the time and although it be a struggle or it would mean I probably have to drag my bags of shopping home. I rather do that than have someone around me who spend the whole day picking fault.( I.e I don't like oinions or brussel sprouts, oh I don't want this on or that on.Put the heating on it is cold.) If I decided not to cook anything or clean I be called lazy .
Every morning it like he expect everything prepared for the children pack lunches , clothing on and hair done . If say this was not done for one reason or the other if I was I'll or tired he would pick fault call me lazy . But it like well I don't see you doing anything other than driving them to school. Like I said I am confused in his way of thinking , it like he half helping me . Bare in my he only recently been taking them to school ,as my parents said it just not on you shouldn't be left in this situation and refused to help not so much to hurt me but to get him to lift his finger abit and take some responsibility .

[Mum2dd19]

If I am honest he does pay ,providing that I am ok with him .
But if say I was to say well I don't think this is working, he refuse to pay and get me on the run around .
The way in which cms works now is the father pays in his own time, so say he didn't pay I have to atleast wait 7 days to get a letter sent out than he has a further two weeks to respond that 3 weeks gone, if still not paid I have to communicate with the child services he hasn't so that means constant calls updating them than eventually upto 5 weeks waiting for enforcement action which he pay just before that timeframe . Than the process is than cancelled. The old process was a case of the money being deducted directly from wages which you would recieve a week later ,but it meant you didn't have to jump through loops to be paid money.

[unicornsarereal72]

You can still get deductions of earning. I'm sorry but you are all miserable. And what example are you setting your children.

Money through cms. Direct pay. Cut him out of the equation

Childcare set up before and after school. Look around for local child minders. They are excellent for wrap around care and school holidays.

UC will cover 85% of your child care costs. So don't be factoring that into your sums. Look at the turn2us calculator and see what it comes up with. Also will cover rent and council tax benefit. Do your sums and see what it would actually come too. It won't be easy but you will actually be free to plan your time with the children and enjoy them.

[Mum2dd19]

I work full time and not entitled to help towards my council nor rent .
Uc pays in arrears so I would need money upfront to pay for care, plus my childcare expenses are too high so 85 percent is covered but it over 290 quid per week I only get 85% of 290 leaving a short fall of approx £91 quid per week to top it up. If my life was as easy as just dealing with it and finding a solution than I would take that . I don't get the holidays off either ,I am expected to work as i work in the healthcare sector I have a degree in science which I got through with two very small children ,so I am hardly a person who ever sat there and moaned or been all miserable otherwise I would of sat here for the past 8 years doing so . The response suggest that due being a single mum ,I either work part time so get some sort of benefits and therefore my problem solved by getting these . So, I shouldn't therefore worry about there dad paying. But full time work ,equal full time childcare required and if a couple struggle to meet these cost how do you think a single person can . So it easy to say ,shut up get on with it until it happens to yourself .