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Will I ever be able to relax and am I the problem?

(4 Posts)
kitk Mon 18-Nov-19 18:49:20

Ex-P and I split up over 6 years ago when DD wasn't even 2. He was pretty awful to me in many ways. I hate to say he was emotionally and financially abusive because even though he was, the worst of it came after he left me when he started using DD as a weapon as losing her was the worst thing imaginable to me. Eventually, after spending a lot of money on solicitors, I managed to agree a long term plan for our "co-parenting" until DD was old enough to make up her own mind about contact etc. Our contact plan has worked well despite him moving several times and going through girlfriends like many go through tissues but... I'm struggling. We never defined things in court back in the day. I wasn't strong enough to face him down and make plans because I was so scared of him. We can't go back to court to solidify the relationship now without him using it as an opportunity to play games, but it leaves me feeling utterly stressed out every time there is a change in circumstance his side in case he uses it as an opportunity to take DD away from me. The anxiety actually makes me ill and I resent he's probably shortening my life in the way he makes me feel (even though I know I should take responsibility for my feelings/anxiety myself) Can anyone else relate to knowing that you're the RP but it feeling so uncertain all the time? How do you cope? People who know the details of the situation which I won't post here because they're outing, tell me I need to relax but I just can't. I don't know if anyone here has been in a similar position and has recent legal advice, but I constantly worry he just won't return her after contact and I won't get her back, even though the fact he hasn't paid a penny for her during this time and usually delegates care when he has her to the current GF or a family member.

Mainly I just need advice to not worry 24/7. I'm tired and there are a fair few years before DD is able to make her own call about spending time with him so I need to find some peace. I just don't know how. I'm so stressed out and tired so if replies could be kind or constructive that would be appreciated

OP’s posts: |
Wren84 Mon 18-Nov-19 21:35:06

I don’t have the experience in your exact situation. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time. You must feel so insecure and vulnerable at times. You may not have control over the situation but you can take control of how you feel. It is a slow journey to finding your inner strength, particularly when you’ve been wounded by such traumas.
I’ve found clarity through journaling, particular following writing prompts. And taking a little time for quiet sitting practise has helped me realise who I am in the now.
Good luck with it all and strength to you and your daughter

kitk Tue 19-Nov-19 20:35:29

Thanks @Wren84 I need to relax and enjoy life and stop worrying 😔

OP’s posts: |
Annaminna Wed 20-Nov-19 08:35:36

Why you are using term "co-parenting" ? Its only suitable when two adult are able to get along respectfully.
If they are no good to each other its different term to use for your situation ( both are actively involved with their child but don't act supportive or co working way to each other) and that term is parallel parenting

I would like you to read this two for start

and you can google "parallel parenting" and find out more.

its really helpful to take some stress off and carry on with more normal life and less pressure

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