Advice on communicating with ex

[NyaN81]

HI I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice on how to handle a situation with the minimum fuss and stress

I have two children (5 and 10) and have been divorced from their Father for 4 years now, we have a 50:50 custody arrangement.

My parents have just booked a holiday next year and want the kids and myself to join them for the week as well as my boyfriend who I’ve been with for around a year, he’s met the kids and we spend time together regularly.

However, my ex-husband has not met myboyfiend and I’m pretty sure he is going to react in a negative way to this as we don’t really agree on most things including the fact that I have a boyfriend. We recently had a dispute where I needed someone to collect the kids from school on one of my days due to a one off work commitment, I asked the my ex-husband and he was unable to; so my boyfriend offered to collect them and bring them home to mine. My ex asked me who was collecting the kids, so I told him that I had no choice and was not happy about this at all and lost his temper even though I pointed out that it was my day with the kids and also I trust my boyfriend. I’ve known him for years and he takes care of his nieces/ nephews regurlarly.

Anyway I am really unsure how to communicate with my Ex regarding the holiday situation as I am worried it will escalate into a big row. I don’t think legally he can stop me from taking the kids on holiday and I like to hope he wouldn’t as it would just hurt the kids, I have taken them abroad in past years (minus boyfriend) but I want him to know who is going out of courtesy and not hear it from the kids.I know he is going to initially lose it and start having a go at me. I want to avoid this…so do I play the softly softly card and introduce my boyfriend to him way in advance (which I’m sure he won’t want to do)…or do I just tell him the holiday is happening and let all hell break lose?

What would you do?

[Habeebah]

Honestly i think you need to speak to him and tell him that he needs to get on board with your new partner for the childrens sake because it is them that will suffer from all this no-one else. You two are divorced and he has to accept that you have moved on.

Ask him to meet with your partner - even if its just a drop off of the kids, sometimes when they have met face to face it puts concerns to bed.

You can not live your life worried about what he is going to say and think all the time, as long as you see your partner as someone you will be with long term and are serious about, then i do not see a problem.

Your ex has to show you respect, just as you will have to do the same as and when he moves on.

It is all about communication and being the bigger person.

Hoping it all works out for the best for you.

[NyaN81]

Thanks for your reply and advice.

I agree with you, i am tiptoeing around him and I have been for years. it does feel like he is still trying to have control sometimes and I feel like I almost have to ask permission for things which as a mother I have the right to decide for my children. He seems to disagree and then I am subject to criticism and accused of being selfish and not thinking of the children.

I try to be respectful of the fact he is their Dad and he loves them and put myself in his place. My boyfriend is respectful of boundaries and is the kids friend and not another parent. The kids understand this too.

Anyway I wonder if I should tell him now and give him time to deal with it or closer to the holiday (in July) so I have to ensure months of him bringing it up in every conversation or trying to get his own back somehow?

[unicornsarereal72]

It is very easy for me to say this but what happens in your time is none of his business. Just as who he has around the children in his time isn't your concern.

Has he got a new girlfriend? What has been done previously. Have you met each other's partners?

As long as the children are safe and cared for they do not need to know anything else. I know that for the sake of the children it is of course better if you all get along but your ex has not given you the opportunity to make that happen.

I know very little of the person my ex is living with. So long as she is kind to the children I don't much care about anything else. And he therefore has no business asking about my affairs.

[NyaN81]

I agree with you and that's what I say to him and that as their mother he should trust that I would make the best decisions for the children and keep them safe.

He talks to me like I should run everything by him and it makes me feel trapped and that I can't make even small decisions about the children.

He's not had another relationship as far as I'm aware, he informs me that when he does he will do it "properly" and not put the children in the middle. Which confuses me as he can never quite explain why he thinks I have put my children in the middle.

I've sent him a message today saying I think it might be a good idea to introduce my b/f as he spends time with me and the children and I want him to be comfortable with that

[Annaminna]

Dont be fooled about that.
All he wants is to have control over your life and he should not have that power.
Let him know that you are going to holidays with children and your boyfriend will be with you.
Ask him does he want to say hello to him during the next drop off. Don't give him power to dictate you how and what term their meeting will happen because he is your boyfriend so it is your decision. He can accept your offer or decline it. If he declines it and will lay out conditions refuse politely. Those conditions are just to put his control over your life. Stay with your ground: you gave him a chance and he can use it or not use it.