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Upset that ex won't contribute to school trip

(39 Posts)
OhamIreally Tue 29-Oct-19 15:03:17

My DD has a school away trip in January. ALL the children in her year are expected to go and it is a rite of passage.
The cost is several hundred pounds plus clothing.
I asked ex to go halves and said I would provide the clothing.
He has replied that he doesn't see the educational value in the trip (it's to a farm where they learn to care for animals) and that he will not be contributing.
I will now be paying for it all myself but once again it's highlighted that he is just opting out of parenting, safe in the knowledge that I will pick up the pieces and I feel so sad and lonely that I'm on this journey all alone.
Not really asking anything - just sad.

OP’s posts: |
LilyPinkNoah Tue 29-Oct-19 15:05:59

Several hundred pounds for a trip to a farm?

OhamIreally Tue 29-Oct-19 15:31:34

Hi Lily - yes over £300 - I was shocked. The school does fund-raising every year for this trip but apparently that's just to pay for the coach shock so it's very expensive.

OP’s posts: |
sue51 Tue 29-Oct-19 15:59:19

He is being mean in not contributing and your daughter will eventually realise what a selfish man he is. If you have difficulty paying it would be worth while speaking to the school to see if they have a fund to help parents.

onthecoins Tue 29-Oct-19 16:02:44

Does he pay the full amount of maintenance he should?

If not i'd be getting onto CMS sharpish.

Scarydinosaurs Tue 29-Oct-19 16:06:12

Has he been sent the school letters regarding the trip? If not I would send them on to him. And also explain what will happen to DD if she doesn’t go.

As a last resort I would see if the school could offer you a reduction.

OhamIreally Tue 29-Oct-19 16:09:29

He does, but to the exact penny, and in fact this month about £40 short due to a miscalculation by the CMS which they said they would let him know was a mistake and evidently haven't.
I think it's disappointing because he evidently feels that by paying maintenance he is absolved of all other financial obligation to his daughter, not just that, but interest in her development too.
It's a five day trip by the way not a day trip to the world's most expensive farm!

OP’s posts: |
Scarydinosaurs Tue 29-Oct-19 16:11:10

So she’ll have five days in class/sent to another class if she’s left behind? What a prick.

Don’t let this drop. Keep pushing OP.

OhamIreally Tue 29-Oct-19 16:13:08

Scary - I did forward the letters and explained that ALL the children are expected to go.
He's just so selfish - I don't know why it still surprises me.

OP’s posts: |
OhamIreally Tue 29-Oct-19 16:20:00

Yes Scary that's exactly what would happen and the Head explained that children who don't go will massively miss out on the bonding experience.
He said "I'm generally willing to try to support your cost on school trips etc"
So he sees it as MY cost, and this is the first time he's ever been asked.
I can honestly see why parents block contact, I wouldn't, for my daughter's sake but it makes my fucking blood boil.
She's just come back from a rare few days of contact with him and apparently he told her I'm a millionaire confused

OP’s posts: |
kitk Tue 29-Oct-19 16:46:14

I'm sorry OP. My ex won't pay any maintenance at all for DD let alone any extras like expensive school trips- just days if I resent paying for her so much to send her to live with him. As if. I hate myself for this but I can't challenge my ex on anything as the anxiety is too great but if you are able to challenge him I'd be pointing out that education and going to school isn't just about the subject learning- it's also learning to get along with people, be a good person, co-operate etc... all skills she'd def have to practise on a farm trip. Can you afford to send her if he doesn't contribute?

LonginesPrime Tue 29-Oct-19 17:01:08

I'm going to go against the grain here:

I assume this a fee-paying school, OP?

I think the school are at fault for organising a trip that doesn't sound optional and where the head is putting pressure on parents on the grounds their children will be ostracised if their parents don't cough up is awful.

I wouldn't expect this to happen in a state school as parents aren't allowed to be charged for the cost of anything compulsory, and it sounds like the school is effectively making this trip compulsory (and discriminating against low-Incone families) by telling parents their children will miss out on 'bonding' if they don't go.

State school trips are supposed to be billed as optional and there is often help for low-Incone families to be subsidised, so I assume you're talking about a private school - who pays the school fees?

Scarydinosaurs Tue 29-Oct-19 17:08:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OhamIreally Tue 29-Oct-19 18:49:15

Hi Longines - no this is a London state primary with a mixed intake. Up to now trips have been £4 or so and involve going on a bus somewhere usually free. The payment is denoted optional but it's understood that if you can pay it you should.
The school has always fund raised for this trip and I assumed it was to keep the cost down. The trip is meant to introduce inner city kids to the countryside and give them an experience they may otherwise never have.
Anyway, we can pay over a few months and I will do it, but it would have been much easier to pay £175 each rather than I pay the whole £350. I'd rather leave the subsidies for those parents in need - it's not about the money so much as the fact that he thinks it doesn't apply to him. Breathtaking.

OP’s posts: |
kitk Tue 29-Oct-19 19:02:34

@OhamIreally can I just commend you massively? You're being so reasonable even in the face of his utter shitness

OhamIreally Tue 29-Oct-19 19:11:21

@kitk thank you that is so kind of you. Every now and then something happens like this that upsets me and I don't feel reasonable at all but I don't want my daughter to suffer and I know if I let him know I am upset he will gloat.
I'm sorry also that your ex doesn't pay, and doesn't understand it's not that you yourself resent paying, but that you resent the fact he doesn't think he should have to (and doesn't want to).

OP’s posts: |
LonginesPrime Tue 29-Oct-19 19:34:05

Ah, I see, OP - he's not paying because he knows you will and it hurts you.

That is shit. I've never asked my DCs' dad for money for trips as I know he'd just use it as an excuse to exert power over me too. They are cockheads.

I'm glad the school is paying for the low-income kids, though - I was shock!

MrsGrindah Tue 29-Oct-19 19:50:54

Scary you might want to get your last comment changed as “ cretin” is not an acceptable term when used as a form of abuse.

I agree though that the ex is being cruel although I can’t get over the cost!

CherryPavlova Tue 29-Oct-19 19:59:05

Sounds like Farms for City Children. They have several centres but the one I know best is in Pembrokeshire. It’s a lot but it’s a very long way to go and running costs are high because it’s real farming and large groups of children. It has huge educational impact.
Would he go and talk to the headteacher? Could it be her Christmas present? Is he prepared to tell her she can’t go? Would he do regular smaller payments rather than one big lump sum?
It does feel rather mean of him.

MrsGrindah Tue 29-Oct-19 20:05:39

It’s the “ your costs” bit that is really infuriating isn’t it?! My ex was like this...although we didn’t have kids thank God..but he convinced himself that all costs related to our split were mine because I wanted the divorce. He forgot that I wanted a divorce because he’d been shagging sex workers.

Nat6999 Tue 29-Oct-19 21:15:07

Ds (15) is going to Italy for a geography trip in February half term, it costs £770 plus spending money. Ex husband hasn't paid a penny towards it, I shouldn't have expected anything as he hasn't paid any maintenance since it moved from CSA to CMS & also borrowed £150 of DS birthday money from me & hasn't made any effort to repay it in the 9 months since. I have stopped expecting anything from him, he has a convenient memory & forgets who cleaned his bungalow up when he was in hospital & did a big shop so he would have food in when he came home, I won't be doing it again.

OhamIreally Wed 30-Oct-19 01:15:22

Cherry yes it is that farm. I'm so glad you said it's so beneficial,it will be worth it then I think.
Thanks everyone for your input I was really down and now I just think "Onwards and upwards" as most of us do.

OP’s posts: |
PrettyPurse Wed 30-Oct-19 05:27:25

@Nat6999 borrowed £150 of DS birthday money from me & hasn't made any effort to repay why did you give him money that wasn't yours?

forgets who cleaned his bungalow up when he was in hospital & did a big shop so he would have food in when he came home

Again why would you do that? It's lovely to help people but he's an Ex for a reason and boundaries need to be put in place.

My XH and I split 2 years ago and even now l still want to "fix" thing's for him but l have to remind myself that it's not my problem anymore. It's really hard though

Starlight456 Wed 30-Oct-19 09:12:50

I get it . It’s not you won’t/ can’t pay . It’s simply if you say no she doesn’t go, if he says no you pay his half.

Technically he doesn’t have to but even something towards it would help.

When she comes back with the Dad says your a millionaire , laugh and say I wish. There is a big difference between bad mouthing dad s as nd putting forward the truth

Nat6999 Wed 30-Oct-19 17:17:34

Sorry mistype, he borrowed £150 of ds birthday money from ds, it is one of his ploys, he knows when I get paid for my pension & benefits & obviously when it is ds birthday & that he often now asks for money so that he can go himself to buy whatever he wants, I have told ds over & over again to not give his dad any money or to tell him that he has any money on him but ds is autistic & can't tell lies, so ends up giving him money. Thankfully since May this year ds has gone no contact with his dad so it shouldn't happen again.

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