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Advice on dating with a mixed-race child

(19 Posts)
Tiredtiredtired100 Tue 29-Oct-19 05:33:28

I have NC for this but have been on here ever since I got pregnant.

I am a lone parent as my DC father left when I got pregnant as he didn’t want the child. I have coped as well as I could in the situation but had to move back home to my parents where I have now bought a house and got a job (so moving not really an option or something I desire).

I’m starting to think about dating again, although I don’t think I’m totally ready yet. One of my (many) concerns about dating again though is how/when to not only mention that I’m a single parent but also that my DC is mixed race. I know it shouldn’t matter but I’m also aware that it probably will to many people and I want to know what experience Mumsnetters have with this that could help. FWIW I live in a 97% white area and I am happy to date anyone if we get along but realistically most of the dating pool around here is white. Obviously I wouldn’t give the time of day to anyone who cares about the colour of my son’s skin, so how do I filter those people out without wasting time on them?
Have any of you on here with mixed children faced any issues when dating or have people really not cared about the possibility of potentially being a step parent to a child who is patently not theirs?
I stupidly googled it at some point and saw lots of racist vitriol about white women and black men that has upset me and made me even more worried. I’m not looking for a dad for my son but obviously if I date again it’s to find someone who will be a lifetime partner and that means that eventually they will be a step-parent.

Sorry if this is overly long or confusing.

OP’s posts: |
MyOtherProfile Tue 29-Oct-19 05:36:01

I wouldn't mention the colour of my child's skin at all. I would listen out for racist reactions and when the time felt right I would show a pic of my child without any apology or comment. I'm sure you would pick up on dodgy attitudes pretty fast.

Mumdiva99 Tue 29-Oct-19 05:39:41

I think this is reflective of where you live. Around here so many kids are either mixed race or of non white backgrounds (including my kids) that I wouldn't think twice about it. Anyone who is bothered is not the right potential partner. Anyone who you feel you have to mention that 'here's a photo of my son- he's mixed race' - isn't the right partner. Your potential partner should love you and your son for who you are. Don't overthink this too much.

KatherineJaneway Tue 29-Oct-19 06:23:27

If you are on OLD then I would mention it so a man could just pass onto the next profile if it bothered him.

MajesticWhine Tue 29-Oct-19 06:56:03

It seems to me you might be overthinking this. Just see what happens. It's not a problem yet.

Tiredtiredtired100 Tue 29-Oct-19 09:29:31

Thanks for the advice. It does sound like I’m overthinking it. I think that’s probably reflective of the fact that I’m not ready to start dating again yet as I’m far too wary of men and my worries about my DS are only part of that.

OP’s posts: |
PumpkinP Tue 29-Oct-19 11:08:46

IM mixed race and my kids are mixed race (their dad is black so they are quarter white) we are not together and if I was dating again this isn’t something that occurred
To me as being a problem?? I do think you’re over thinking it. I wouldn’t mention it on old as pp suggested as that to me seems to say that you see it as a potential problem?

alolimadayi Tue 29-Oct-19 16:31:27

It sounds to me as though you are overthinking this. My DD is mixed race and should her father and I ever divorce this is not something I think would ever have occurred to me. I can understand wanting a future partner to accept your child (important for any step parent) but as PP you don't need to bring it up, unless some aspect of your child's heritage naturally comes up in conversation! Or if things progressed and someone asked to see photos, you can then simply judge by their reaction. It did strike me that perhaps on some level at least, there could be an insecurity from you/self-consciousness that as you live in such a white area, any future partner could likely be white and therefore as you said it will be obvious to outsiders that your child isn't theirs? (rather than worrying about how a future partner would feel about the child obviously being not theirs, it could be your issue with what other people will think of you). Something to reflect on, perhaps.

kitk Tue 29-Oct-19 16:50:16

OP I live in a very white area and don't think it would occur to me to worry about this at all. I think this is just a part of your overall anxiety around dating which is understandable if you've had bad experiences in the past. Personally I'd see it as a message that you're not yet ready to date but tbh and you know this already, if you met a man who didn't want to be with you because your child is mixed race is he someone you could be with anyway? I suppose if you're looking for practical advice for when the time comes and you want to be sure, you could put a pic of yourself and DC on any OLD profile but this is obvs dependent on many factors inc how you feel about your child's online presence and their privacy

Prettylittlelady Tue 29-Oct-19 17:00:26

I second the opinions that people have shared on here. You shouldn’t need to mention your child’s ethnicity. As a mixed race person I think I would actually be quite offended if my white father preempted someone’s first meeting with me by saying ‘my daughters mixed race’ what has that got to do with anything? It almost seems your apologising for having a mixed race child and expecting an issue. Which there certainly shouldn’t be. However like someone has previously mentioned that must be reflective of your area, where I live most kids are not ‘purely’ white these days and no one bats an eyelid.

Groovinpeanut Tue 29-Oct-19 17:11:22

Hi OP, I have been in your situation, my eldest child is of mixed race. I went on dates and I did put out feelers with regards to people's feelings towards people of colour, some were adamant that they had no prejudices, but upon closer questioning it turned out they were deep down. Obviously when things of that nature arose there were no further dates. I was very up front that I was a single mum with a child of mixed race. If it became an issue I didn't waste time on dating or getting to know them from that point on. I did meet a lovely man who I've gone on to have other children with. It's all worked out fine. If someone accepts everything about you and your life they are the genuine ones and worth holding out for. I really wish you all the best in that search for that special someone.

Iflyaway Tue 29-Oct-19 17:36:08

you could put a pic of yourself and DC on any OLD profile

For god's sake please don't do this! You could be setting yourself up to all kinds of racist abuse!

OP, I have a mixed-race child and frankly it's a great way of keeping any closet racists out of your life. I've had a few people I knew drop me because of it. Good riddance to bad rubbish is my take on it.

A friend of mine also has a mixed-race child and has been married to a white guy for years now (our kids are in their 20's). She never told him until one day he was at her house and she said she had to go to collect her daughter from school. She decided to just see his reaction when they walked in. He passed the test. smile And she and her step-dad get on great.

PumpkinP Tue 29-Oct-19 18:16:49

People really shouldn’t be putting up pics of their child on dating
Profiles who the hell does that?! Mixed race or not
Bloody weird

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 29-Oct-19 18:23:45

Describe yourself as mixed race in your profile and that should weed out the out and out racists. Then you can explain the full story to your date in person. Most would understand

Arnoldthecat Tue 29-Oct-19 18:37:39

I cant say it would be a blocker for me. It is of no consequence.You may be overthinking it though i recognise your anxieties.

Tiredtiredtired100 Tue 29-Oct-19 22:54:05

Thanks everyone, lots of great advice. I don’t think I would ever put a picture of my child online and I generally don’t have cause to mention to anyone that my son is mixed race (it hasn’t come up in conversation at work so far for instance so I doubt my work colleagues know except for one I bumped into on the street).
I suppose I am generally anxious about dating, but also because I know there is a fair amount of racism (though generally closeted) where I live and I’m nervous about encountering it and even more so about my son encountering it. Obviously I never would have and certainly wouldn’t now continue to date anyone who is racist. Everyone I have met so far has been lovely and mostly people don’t make any comment at all about my son’s race because it isn’t relevant. I used to live in London and don’t think I would have thought twice about this there.

OP’s posts: |
Tiredtiredtired100 Tue 29-Oct-19 22:57:23

P.s. I think I’m going to take the general advice not to mention it at all. Thanks everyone.

OP’s posts: |
Peanutbuttermouth Sat 02-Nov-19 09:58:49

Hi Tired, similar here, small white town, I'm a single parent of mixed race kids. Been dating on and off for a while, nobody has ever come close to meeting my kids anyway as they just weren't that special. But I have shown a couple of men a pic of my kids - no comment or warning just "here they are, aren't they cute" and the men I showed didn't bat an eyelid and agreed how cute they are. Try not to worry or see it as an issue. Any men who have an issue with it can be binned immediately.

Tiredtiredtired100 Sat 02-Nov-19 16:08:25

Thanks @Peanutbuttermouth it definitely seems like that is the way to go. I would hope I’d seeded out any racist bigots before even getting to the showing a picture point, but you just never know.

OP’s posts: |

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