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Husband left before baby's arrival

(20 Posts)
Spintops Fri 11-Oct-19 18:51:30

My DC will be two in 3 months' time, my second DC is due then too. My husband left me and I'm opting for a C-section as I know I won't emotionally/mentally cope with labour without my husband. I've allowed him to be in for the section and am just looking for some encouragement from anyone who has been through similar - i.e. splitting from the baby's father before the arrival.

Leaving the hospital with a baby and without my husband is going to be devastating. I'll have family support but obviously it's not the same. Husband left me for someone else so it's not like I can rely on him emotionally. Just wondering how others have coped in similar situations.
Thanks in advance

OP’s posts: |
Russell19 Fri 11-Oct-19 19:49:16

Have not been in the same situation but are you sure about the c section in terms of recovery afterwards? I've heard it can be difficult to even pick up a baby. How are you going to do that on your own? I understand your reasoning but you'll take longer to recover 🥺

Really feel for you xx

CarolDanvers Fri 11-Oct-19 19:51:55

This happened to my friend. He left her six weeks before. She allowed him to be at the birth but later regretted it hugely. She said she wished she'd just had her Mum and not been reminded of the pain of the break up while she was trying to give birth. I wouldn't have him there. You really don't have to OP.

CannonCaboodle Fri 11-Oct-19 19:52:26

I'm sorry to hear this. But why opt for a section? Doesn't make sense to me. Could you think of having someone else as a birthing partner? Best friend? Mum? Sister? At least then you can leave hospital on the same day (if all goes well) without having had major surgery.
So sorry about your husband. Havent been though anything similar, but wishing you all the best. Can someone you love or a close family.member stay with you for the first few days as it might be very difficult.

SpinneyHill Fri 11-Oct-19 19:54:36

I have had both natural and section and honestly I would reconsider, with a toddler at home you will need to be picking up it's gonna be tough after a section

Ozziewozzie Fri 11-Oct-19 20:06:38

Oh goodness. I really feel for you. It’s a really emotional time to say the least without having to deal with everything else. I agree a c section is harder to recover from. (Although I’ve never had one) Labour is tough too but at least you can cope afterwards far better. Both delivery methods are equally as emotional I’d imagine irrespective of relationship circumstances.

I know you feel alone particularly when you’d planned this together, but so many women are doing this by themselves nowadays for a whole variety of reasons. I agree with other posters that I think you’ll regret having your dh there. I’m guessing that maybe you’ll hope he will suddenly have a moment where he decides he chooses you. Let’s say he does. You’ll have a new baby and all the mis trust etc that will come with your dh. If you do this without him, he could look after your other child. Your family or friend can be there for you. You’ll feel strong, supported, accomplished. The perfect way to begin your new life.
Your dh is the last person to support you as he’s broken your trust, broken your heart and broken your family. My last labour was really good fun. Great music, chatting laughing, shouting, a few rude words, plenty of farting blush. Change the scene of your labour however you do it. You can do this flowers

Spintops Fri 11-Oct-19 20:23:47

Thank you for the responses and support. I had a section with my son due to complications in the final weeks and recovered very quickly. I wouldn't recover like most women from a natural birth due to an ongoing problem.

I will have support whilst recovering from the section. My husband is going to have our son for the first fortnight at his place and I'll be moving in with my mum straight away and for as long as I want. She's great with my son and is like a third parent to him.
I don't want my husband to miss out on the birth of his child. Reconciliation is not on the table right now so that isn't on my mind.

My main concern is the mental/emotional side of things as I was fully expecting this to be an exciting time for us as a family and now we've been torn apart. Just wondered what got other mums out there through something like this.

OP’s posts: |
Starlight456 Sat 12-Oct-19 14:05:06

Is your mum having your dd . I would consider asking someone who is there solely for you to be there also.

I would also say this is your choice no man has the right to be at the birth of their child. My now exh was at the birth it would have been better if it was just me as he was no support at all.

I was talking to my now 12 year old the other day about how if his dad wasn’t his dad he wouldn’t be him and that he is perfect just as he is so I would try and focus on the fact that out of this heart break comes this amazing child , think of the close bond grandma will have with baby . You have your mum there who gets it as a woman .

You still have 3 months and you may be in a different place by then . It is all understandably very raw at the moment

wendz86 Sat 12-Oct-19 20:10:11

I split with my ex before having my second dd . He was at the birth and while it wasn’t the same as if we were together he was supportive . Make sure you ask and accept any help especially after a c section .

Span1elsRock Sat 12-Oct-19 20:20:24

I don't think you've thought this through at all, OP.

How on earth can you want him there after what he's done? He wasn't thinking of your DC when he was off with someone else. Surely he's lost those rights.

Polly111 Sat 12-Oct-19 20:46:04

What a horrible thing for him to do to you. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant and it was awful going through all that during pregnancy. I stupidly forgave him, but we split up when lo was 5 months after he cheated again.

I would honestly re-consider having him at the birth as I think it will just make you feel worse as you’ll temporarily feel “normal” then have it all snatched away again when he decides it’s time to go back to his girlfriend. Anyone who’s at the birth needs to be someone who’s going to support you 100%. What if his girlfriend phoned him during it all and he goes off to speak to her or phones her straight after to tell her? It’s going to make you feel awful. I would ask him to look after your son and have your mum with you for the delivery. He can then come and visit with your son once you’re ready.

PicsInRed Sat 12-Oct-19 21:07:06

Lovely, c-section or no c-section, he is going to break your heart into pieces if he's next to you whilst you give birth to his child ... knowing that he'll be leaving afterwards. Your heart will shatter when he leaves. Please reconsider having him there. flowers

onyourway Sat 12-Oct-19 21:29:01

You will feel very vulnerable when giving birth and I think it would be better for you to have someone who is totally on your side with you.

Figgygal Sat 12-Oct-19 21:32:29

You are a better person than me op he wouldn't be near the birth and why is your dc going to him for 2 weeks post birth? I'd worry they would Interpret that badly with the arrival of a sibling

Fantababy Sat 12-Oct-19 21:36:18

I was going to post the same as Figgy re your son. I'd be worried that sending him away would look to him like a rejection in favour of the new baby. If you can stand to see him get ex to come round and help you out, or get your mum to stay, but I think you need to keep your DS close to you and the baby.

changedtempforprivacy Tue 15-Oct-19 21:39:41

My exh and I split during pregnancy. I did not invite him to be at the birth, it is a vulnerable time. My sister was my birthing partner. My divorce solicitor advised he not be present at the birth, and that I allowed myself to recover and put my needs and the babies needs first, as our health was paramount. 4 years on, this was very good advice

Spintops Tue 15-Oct-19 23:03:16

Thank you all for the responses. The grief comes in waves so, when I'm doing okay, I don't see a problem with him being at the birth as things are otherwise amicable. I would never say out of spite that he couldn't be there. But, as the grief has hit again in the last couple days, I realise having him there is not an option as it will be such a vulnerable time as you say, @changedtempforprivacy. My mum will be with me instead as I'll need the emotional support.

My son will see me every day for the fortnight he's at his dad's. We'll spend time with each child - I didn't mean I wouldn't see my DC for a fortnight. He may have a couple nights with me and my mum if he (or I!) needs it.

OP’s posts: |
Spintops Tue 15-Oct-19 23:04:30

So sorry you went through the same thing, @changedtempforprivacy. Hope things have changed for the better.

OP’s posts: |
Stroller15 Tue 15-Oct-19 23:10:00

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this OP, it is truly terrible and must be heart breaking. Some good advice from PP here. flowers

Butterfly02 Sun 20-Oct-19 23:21:11

My husband left for another woman when I was 25 weeks with a much tried for baby. I chose not to have him at birth as I needed someone to emotionally support me. He came to see dc a few hours after. Think of yourself what do you need at time of birth can he give you that if not you need someone there that can give you what you need.
Regards coping after I had my parents to stay and help first week but then asked them to leave - Not because I didn't want them there but because the longer it went on the harder it would be when they left. When it was just me and dc I remember crying over having to do it all on my own, the resentment of having to go back to work earlier than planned (maternity leave wasn't as generous then), the loss of the image I'd had of the family unit we were creating. Unfortunately or fortunately with a new born you don't have the luxury of time to dwell. I made plans to go out daily even just for a walk (I'm not to much of a people person so happy with my own company) I found routines helped me. It wasn't all plain sailing but I took each day as it came, made sure never to run low on essentials, planned things to look forward to, tryed not to put too much pressure on myself and some how got through the early days.
You can do it try not to have to high expectations of yourself, ask for help (I should have done this was and am to independent for my own good), listen to your emotions, don't just do what's best for dcs father - what is best for dc and you is also important, get organised now less to do with newborn in tow, remember your only human stop each day and think what you've accomplished. Best of luck.

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