School events with ex

[Mummy0ftwo12]

So I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about my ex coming to a particular school event, parents evenings we have always taken turns (fine) sports days / sports events he attends but we don't stand together, assemblies / plays I can deal with even being sat together, but this particular upcoming event I think I will have to spend the whole time stood with him feeling rather awkward whilst DS is off with his friends (because younger ds will want us to be stood together). Ex wants to attend all school events and doesn't see why it should be awkward and technically there is nothing stopping him from buying a ticket and turning up.

But i really don't want to spend that amount of time stood with him and also, i was hoping it would be a lovely evening for me and DC, ex earns a lot more than me and takes them to some lovely places on his time and I was hoping to do something special at least once a month so its not always the mundane homework etc with me.

WWYD?

[Starlight456]

I think you have to find a way to co parent that works for both of you . And unless there is abuse I think you need to put your differences aside .
I will put in there it take 2 parents to work at it not one

[AnneLovesGilbert]

If you both attend other events then you can’t expect him to skip this one. Especially not because he earns more and does nice things with DS, that’s very odd.

Both parents attending school things and supporting their child is the best thing for your child so that’s what you need to do. How would you feel if he told you to stay away from something?

[TwinkleMerrick]

This is so hard for you, i feel your pain. Can you gently ask that you go to this event alone and perhaps he does the next nice event alone?

It's not easy coparenting, especially when emotions are so high. Have you been separated long? I only ask because I am also having to coparent, at first it was very hard but I have slowly started to get over my pain and managed to move forward with coparenting. It's very tough at first, your allowed to recognise these emotions and ask that you don't see each other for the near future. You won't always feel like this, in the distant future you may feel more comfortable attending events together. No harm in asking? Good luck

[Mummy0ftwo12]

We don't attend other events together, he turns up occasionally whenever he chooses to which I'm fine with, it was just this one event that I feel especially awkward about. I suppose in my mind I'd hoped it would be a lovely evening and now its going to be an endurance thing - but I suppose I need to put my feelings aside and go with what ds wants.

[Pythonesque]

I don't know what the answers are, not having been in these situations, but I would suspect that alternating parents' evenings won't necessarily work well in key years (especially when exam years approach) - so you may need to start getting used to both being at school functions.

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

Yes, you're going to need to be mature and put your kids first here.

My ex is the same as you - she does everything in her power to avoid us being around one another. The kids (14 and 12) notice, and have commented on it to me many times - it bothers them. It may help you to hear precisely what my 14 year old said last time....

"I know you two aren't together any more, but can't she just grow up a bit. Everyone ends up having to spend time with people they don't like. I don't like my maths teacher, but I don't get to refuse to go to maths lessons! It makes it hard for us when she makes everything so difficult. I don't expect her to be your best friend - I just wish she'd care about our feelings as much as she cares about hers"

Wise words.

[Mintypea5]

I understand how you feel. I dread the events o have to attend with the ex. Spending time with him just makes me feel horrible. I usually ask him some polite questions which usually end up with him talking about himself for the time we're there (because he's a complete narcissist) and just nod, smile and give appropriate oh wow or similar responses when it seems required 🤷🏻‍♀️

[NorthernSpirit]

Grow up. It’s not about your feelings, it’s what’s best of your kids.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I applaud your very mature daughter. Wise words.

[Starlight456]

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

Wise words from your Dd.

I still have read no reason why he shouldn’t go other than you don’t want him to . How does your dc feel because my guess is it would be the same as the 14 year old dd above.

If you want to do something special together I don’t see a school event as that place.

[IndieTara]

I don't get on with or like my XH but I wish he'd turn up to more of these type of events.
He tells DD and me he will and then mostly doesn't show.
It does mean I dont have to interact with him but it upsets DD

[Annaminna]

Could you please explain why it bothers you so much? You can find seats as war from each other as you please I guess?
I am sure in that room will be more than one person you don't like really but you are still fine if they are there.

[Polly111]

I think some of the responses are a bit harsh, she’s hardly doing everything in her power to avoid being near her ex since they go to plays and sporting events together.

I’m guessing this event is something like a Christmas fair where they can’t just sit together and not have to really talk to each other or sit separately. It will feel more like a family day out together where they’re taking lo to see something as it’s pretty impossible to do it separately. I wouldn't be too keen either op, but you’re just going to have to make the best of it. Does your younger child have friends at the school? Could you stand with their parents as well? Might be easier if there’s other people rather than just you and ex.

[Bibidy]

But why would you need to be with him at this event more so than any others?

Surely the easiest route is to tell your younger DS that both you and daddy will be present but you'll just be saying hello to daddy and not standing with him - but YDS can stand with him if he likes? Obviously all children would prefer their parents to be together and stand together but that can't always happen. You can just say you'll be standing with other mums that you know, or perhaps you could take a friend or relative with you so you're not on your own and don't feel obliged to stand with your ex?

I'm sure you can navigate this event without having to spend the time with him.

[lyingwanker]

I feel your pain. Last year I spent an awkward couple of hours sat with exH and his wife. It's not so much ex that makes me uncomfortable but his new wife, she's very very quiet and I'm not sure I've heard her speak more than "hi" in 7 years!!

[Marie84]

I think you need to put your feelings aside for the sake of your child. It's not their fault and it will make them happy. It's only a few hours of your life. I am lucky enough to get on with my ex now and we quite often meet up and go together which our daughter loves but it hasn't always been like that so I know exactly how you feel. It might be awkward but I think you just have to do it for your child. Good luck!

[Hullabalooo]

As someone who can't be in the same place as their ex due to domestic abuse and coercive control i completely understand what the OP is saying and i don't think it's helpful for other posters to tell her to "just grow up"!

My ex uses the fact that i can't be in his company to make me sound mental and unreasonable when actually it's his previous and ongoing behaviour which means i can't be in company. Because i feel unsafe.

I have to really plan things so I'm not at the same place as ex with school etc but there are certain things like sports day which are more challenging. I've found with that that i just make sure that wherever he is I'm sitting somewhere different.

Its sad for DC but we have had long talks about how unfortunately you don't always get to have what you want in life and that as things have been so difficult that mummy and daddy can't be friends. That they love DC both very much but have to lead separate lives.