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Maintenance and being fair.

(98 Posts)
Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 12:09:04

So, story is that DD temporarily lives with her father. Long story but basically she chose to live with him full time a year ago. I see her multiple times per week. I live with partner, we have made the decision that I will move out so I can spend time with DD, she does not get on with my partner although things are much better now.

Her father and I had always worked the money side between us. We had the Financial dispute hearing in court this week, and one of the conditions that ex asked for, although not legally binding, is that he will apply for maintenance through the CSA service.

I already pay more than my share, lunch money, dance lessons, most of her clothes, toiletries and make up, we have tea out once a week and I feed her probably another twice a week.
He obviously receives the child benefit.

I accept that he pays heating. We both give her pocket money.
I’ve suggested that I have a look what I should pay and pay that minus things like her lunch money and dance lessons as I am very much a part of he relive, and don’t want it to be that he has control of everything financially for DD.

I’ve been on the CSA calculator and it’s saying I should pay approx £60 a week. So minus £20 weekly for lunch and dance is obviously £40 per week. Does this sound reasonable please? It will be less when I buy clothes etc.

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YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Sun 06-Oct-19 12:10:40

Don’t be a dick. Just pay the maintenance. It’s a pitiful amount towards the cost of raising a child anyway.

Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 12:19:05

I’m definitely not being a dick! What I’m trying to say is that we are both raising her, where she lives is just geography. I run her about more than her father, give her extra money for things like cinema and tea wit(her friends. She’s 14, perhaps should have mentioned that in the op.

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likeridingabike Sun 06-Oct-19 12:22:42

Pay maintenance at the correct amount for your income, that's just the bare minimum as non resident parent, the rest is negotiable with ex.

Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 12:27:29

Thank you. Just wanting some perspective on this. I realise it’s a touchy subject for people whose exes don’t contribute anything.

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Starlight456 Sun 06-Oct-19 13:42:33

No this is not how it works . Pay the £60 a week . You sound controlling . Csm is the legal minimum you should pay.

Starlight456 Sun 06-Oct-19 13:46:27

One people not wanting to pay basic cms are financially controlling.

Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 13:46:41

I might have known I’d be slated. I posted for advice, I’ve stated I’m willing to pay.
In what way do I sound controlling? Because I want to be involved? I’m her mum, of course I want to be involved, on a daily basis. 🤷‍♀️

I have already said that I pay more than her father towards her upkeep.

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Starlight456 Sun 06-Oct-19 13:49:56

I said in my experience . I didn’t say you were.

I don’t know enough about your set up but could you raise your dd with £120 a week ? Which is half each.

Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 13:51:09

I’m not financially controlling at all. I just don’t want things to drastically change, as in the mum and daughter things we do, or me being able to pay for things that she needs.

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Thehagonthehill Sun 06-Oct-19 13:57:16

Pay it.If this means you have to cut back on other things then so be it but the CMS payments are fixed.
Your getting a hard time because a lot of us have trouble getting anything,£80a month for me.

Starlight456 Sun 06-Oct-19 13:59:24

So does Dad

00100001 Sun 06-Oct-19 14:04:15

" I pay more than her father towards her upkeep."

But he presumably had to pay for the rent/mortgage of a presumably bigger house to accommodate her, the additional heating, food, electricity, gas, etc that she "uses".

00100001 Sun 06-Oct-19 14:05:28

If she effectively is living with dad and just "visits" you (I'm assuming she doesn't sleep at yours?) then his costs will be higher, surely?

Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 14:08:31

Thehagonthehill, is it not better to try and work things out between us rather than go through the CMS?

Yes I realise that.

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Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 14:10:23

House is mortgage free. Yes that is what I said, I understand that there are utilities to pay, of course I do.

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pikapikachu Sun 06-Oct-19 14:14:30

If you were a man you'd be ripped apart.

Pay your ex £60pw. He should pay for all of her needs out of the £60pw plus Child Benefit plus his wages.

However most parents are reasonable and want to pay for other stuff. Eg dance lessons or pocket money

What extras you pay for is up to you and it might be better for you to give him£60 and stop paying for lunches instead. I know the net effect is the same but legally you should do it like that so you are paying him£60pw and he can't claim arrears from you later.

The meals out when she's with you etc is separate to maintenance.

LolaSmiles Sun 06-Oct-19 14:19:23

The CMS is the minimum required for a non resident parent.

You should be paying that amount and then negotiating other things on top of it.

We hear all the time on here that minimum CMS doesn't cover half the costs for the resident parent. You're looking for ways to reduce your contribution and hoping being a non resident mum rather than a non resident dad gets you a free pass.

pikapikachu Sun 06-Oct-19 14:19:41

I know that you say that you're not trying to be controlling but lots of controlling men use that tactics on their exes. "I took dc to McDonalds so deducted £5 from your maintenance" "Dc needed new shoes at my house so I've deducted £20 from maintenance " etc
They also try the "Tell me what she needs and I'll pay 50% " tactic and quibble about each time or forget/lose their temper so the RP stops asking for 50% of the money.

I think you should pay the £60pw but tell him that you'll pay less extras. You might have to stop some of the meals out etc which has nothing to do with the maintenance as NRP pays for entertainment during their time as an extra,

Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 14:37:11

We aren’t going through CMS as they put 20% charge on what the paying parent pays. We have both agreed that this money is better spent on our daughter.

I know that to some of you I sound like a dick. This is so hard for me as I hate the current situation which is why I’m getting a place of my own again so can go back to shared care.

I just want things to be right.

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LolaSmiles Sun 06-Oct-19 14:40:34

Then just pay what is fair and stop trying to make loads of deductions from the resident parent who is doing the bulk of the care.

£60 a week towards the costs of raising a child is totally reasonable and there's no need to start feeling the need to cut back on other things you do.

titchy Sun 06-Oct-19 14:45:43

Presumably this will only be an arrangement for the next two weeks because you'll be in your own place by then? Having (finally) made the decision that your want your dd more than your dp I assume you've moved mountains to make that happen as quickly as possible? No?

Just pay the going rate ffs.

PickedByYou Sun 06-Oct-19 14:52:13

I also think you shouldn't deduct meals out and the dance lessons etc. I think you should pay the going rate. Pocket money etc is a nice extra but I don't junk you can deduct that either.

Starlight456 Sun 06-Oct-19 14:54:27

Cms only deduct if you don’t use direct pay : £20 to open case .

Coffeshopgirl Sun 06-Oct-19 14:56:42

Oh no I wouldn’t deduct pocket money or meals out. Just school lunches at £60. I’m happy to pay for dance lessons independently of the maintenance payments.

As I’ve said, just asking for advice, not criticism.

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