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(14 Posts)
newmommytoonegirl Mon 23-Sep-19 23:33:45


Just a question and some advice needed what is the rules on maintenance and how it's spent.

Just to give you idea of why I'm asking hubby has 2 children from previous relationship aged 11 and 14 they come to ours for dinner Friday and stay until After dinner on Sunday every other week and come every Tuesday for dinner. They both have contracted mobile phones which we pay and hubby pays £300 a month to their mom. He pays half to school trips and just paid half to a years worth of private tutoring for son. Pays dance session fees the two weekends for daughter with us and sometimes the 3rd weekend if they stay. (£8 a session)

Regarding school uniform should hubby be paying towards that too? ex is only asking for half towards the daughters £200 uniform and not the sons uniform.

Birthdays this year they agreed to go halves on phone for him (we got a contract instead) ex pays nothing towards that and a bike for her (£500) ex paid nothing towards that.

We also have a child together.

OP’s posts: |
Gingerkittykat Mon 23-Sep-19 23:50:11

The CMS would make him pay a proportion of his income, and there would be no rules about how the mother spends it.

Anything above that is down to the two of them to negotiate. It sounds like a really expensive uniform, has the daughter just moved schools? Personally I think making a contribution would be reasonable here.

Presents should be treated separately from maintenance.

newmommytoonegirl Tue 24-Sep-19 09:16:37

Thanks for reply. No year 10 so she said it was blazer shoes skirt blouses. I thought it was very expensive

OP’s posts: |
catspyjamas123 Tue 24-Sep-19 09:25:50

School uniform is expensive - particularly if it’s an academy with embroidered logo on all items. I paid £200 this year for my year 11 DC. As well as clothes there are the shoes. If you think about it £200 doesn’t get you a lot of clothing these days.

It sounds like your DH is being a decent dad and chipping in with the extras. Do you resent that?

newmommytoonegirl Tue 24-Sep-19 10:35:11

No not at all. Just wondered as he was asking what is the "normal" thing to do regarding everything

OP’s posts: |
Hellohah Tue 24-Sep-19 10:42:23

School uniform sounds about right, I bought a blazer, trousers, shirts, PE Kit, trainers and shoes this year - it was more than £200.

DS's dad pays me £150/month (after much arguing) - he should pay £250 according to the CSA but to be honest, I know if I pushed him he'd just quit his job and I'd get diddly squat sad

I get no help with anything else, uniforms, activities etc and for his birthday this year (DS was 14), his dear father put a measly £20 in his card.

So I guess, there is no normal and it more depends on what kind of parent your DH wants to be?

catspyjamas123 Tue 24-Sep-19 11:24:18

I’d say CMS money is a bare minimum and doesn’t factor in all the many additional costs from phones to tuition to activities. I only get CMS and pay all the rest myself - I don’t think that’s right though! I also make sure my DCs do have all the necessary tech, clothes, activities, trips and general support they need. Their father has pushed off and doesn’t care about any of it. It all depends what sort of dad he wants to be.

BigusBumus Tue 24-Sep-19 11:33:09

Id say that sounds like the best kind of "normal". He is being a very good and fair dad i think.

GingersAreLush Tue 24-Sep-19 12:38:35

It’s a shame more NRP aren’t as fair as your husband. I think it’s a good thing that he is paying towards school trips and uniform and other things. But then again my ex wouldn’t buy my children toothbrushes for his house when they go EOW. “Because I pay your mum maintenance”. Which he does. The bare minimum the CMS tell him to.

Rainbowhairdontcare Tue 24-Sep-19 12:44:35

Your husband sounds like mine. Yet his exW sometimes asks for more money but he simply cannot afford it.

We're expecting our first (which is fully funded by me so none of her business) but if she asks for more money and uses the baby as an excuse we might refer her to CMS.

catspyjamas123 Tue 24-Sep-19 13:08:36

I suppose what you ought to ask yourself if how would you want your own child treated in the same situation. How he treats his first family is a good indication of what sort of man he is.

SD1978 Tue 24-Sep-19 13:14:18

So you have 4 overnights a month. It's more than reasonable to pay half of all costs, it sounds more than reasonable that he also pays for the uniform and not unreasonable at all

newmommytoonegirl Wed 25-Sep-19 08:17:05

Thanks everyone

OP’s posts: |
Songbird232018 Wed 25-Sep-19 23:20:20

@newmommytoonegirlNewmumm having read your post we are exactly the same position. My partner also steps up and pays out without issue or force as do I. We have had one together and nothing has changed for the other kids, if anything we have moved to a bigger home so theres an upside! My partner and I also sometimes wonder are we doing enough?? When we get stick of the EX but when you look at it yes we are and more than enough I believe on occasions. I think non resident dads get such a bad name and cms is still a stigma that decent dads and stepmums get a raw deal and no appreciation unfortunately however the kids will grow up knowing the truth

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