Greedy? Or fully entitled to more?

[FreshlySingleMummaOf2]

I separated from the husband nearly 3 months ago, after standing my ground against his controlling abusive behaviour. By finally telling someone about his disgusting actions he agreed to leave to get help. He still hasn't!! But thats not my point today 🙄🙄 anyway, I have been a stay at home Mum for the last few years whilst he progressed and focused on his career. He has agreed to pay mortgage, gas/elec/water and the finance on the car. Which due to our high mortgage is about 1400 a month. I know he has been promoted and I know he is earning more than double that a month. He says if he's paying the bills he won't pay maintenance. Therefore living with his parents, paying no rent to them so having a large amount of disposable money to enjoy so much more with the kids. Is that fair?? Am I entitled to more??? I currently receive universal credit, an i was impressed with the amount. But after paying child care, council tax, phone bill, petrol and food I'm left with about £30 to spend on myself and the kids each week. Its making me so down, I went to a job fair today, was basically told my many companies because I'm not flexible enough I'm not employable!!

Im feeling so disheartened that I can't afford the life he will now throw at my children. I know it isn't about money, but with the run up to my 1st Xmas alone im feeling so deflated. Am I entitled to more help? Or just being greedy? My mental health is suffering, thought I had my shit together but not sure I do.

[Londongirl07]

Me personally I think you’re asking for too much. If he’s agreeing to pay for all that, then that is maintenance. The money for maintenance is not just food or clothes, it’s a roof over their head, gas, electric, water etc so I think he’s being VERY reasonable.

If you do not work why are you paying for childcare? Surely that’s an added expense...try to cut your bills down. I’ve just managed to drop my internet and tv to £25 per month and my mobile to £19 per month. Council tax you should get a reduction.

Count yourself lucky your ex is happy to pay for all of this...I get a measly £30 a week for 2 boys from mine...even though he can afford more. I’m paying the bills and mortgage and have the kids 80% of the time, I have had to start full time work to be able to afford this and still wait my ex hounding me to sell the house (which I won’t just yet as me and my boys will have no home).

If you were to find part time work the tax credits will help with childcare costs this can top up your income. If you work and earn less than £800 you won’t get taxed on it and your tax credits won’t be affected as much.

Trust me it’s hard, I’ve been there. Not 2 pennies to rub together but you will pull through I promise you. I’m not sure hold old your kids are but once they’re in school things get easier! Just try to ensure you have a good support network.

[Bouledeneige]

You only really have a right to half the assets of a long term relationship. He has been very generous but he has more money because he works hard. You have the same option so you can have the lifestyle you want.

[MeganTheVegan]

I think that is generous. If you want more money, then get a job.

How old are your children?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He has been very generous but he has more money because he works hard.

So raising kids isn't work and he definitely works hard because he earns money? He could be a slacker with an easy job for all you know.

I do think almost half his wages is more than you would get legally so I wouldn't rock the boat. And I agree that childcare is wasted if you aren't working.

[VimFuego101]

I think expecting him to hand over half his salary each month is unrealistic (and a court would not award that much).

[Ginkypig]

Do the checks online and see what you are entitled to if he is giving you more than that figure then I would be careful because asking for more could potentially trigger him to paying the minimum the law expects of him which would leave you worse off than now.

I'm not saying you are right or wrong to want more I'm just warning the possible outcome that's all.

[Youseethethingis]

If you make an educated guess as to what his wage is and use the government child maintenance calculator, you’ll probably find he’s “overpaying” (not sure you can ever provide too much for your children’s welfare and security tbh but that’s another chat) according to the CMS to the tune of maybe £800- 1000 pcm, depending on how often he has them etc.
If he’s living with his parents then obviously he cannot afford to entirely fund two households large enough to accommodate the kids on his one wage. And you think he’s not paying enough?

[SD1978]

He's paying you 50% of his wage already, and you're requesting more. All your bills are paid, as is the house. You would be entitled to less than 20% if it goes through CSM- and you'd have to cover all those bills yourself. So yes, you are being unreasonable. And you are in a much more fortunate position than many end up. Lawyer, and start financial proceedings/ divorce if that's how it's going as he probably won't continue to fund you and the children so well long term.

[Knitclubchatter]

you should go through a professional, does he have a company pension to which you might be entitled to a portion of?
i wouldn't count on him paying that much long term, how much is left on the mortgage and when the children turn 21 will he expect a sale and split of assets?

[purplemagnet]

He has a responsibility to put a roof over his children's heads. He's also investing in property which will benefit him long-term.

He may well be giving more than a cms amount but their calculation of what's needed to look after a child is unrealistic.
He has £1400!a month spending money just for him. OP is working - she's looking after their children. She has foregone career progression in order to do so and has, I assume, built up relatively little pension compared to her ex, presumably.

Women have and still do often fare poorly in this set-up. Marriage, where the partner progresses their career at the financial long-term expense of their wives as primary child carers. It's crap and something we need to educate the next generation about.

[HerRoyalNotness]

Generally he’d be renting a place too and paying bills so 1400 may not cover that. Plus 2 parents contributing equally would be 2800 to spend on the kids, that’s not realistic. You’re getting a good amount for now. Concentrate on getting yourself well and into FT work so you don’t have to rely on that amount as he may want to rent his own place in the near future

[HerkyBaby]

If you don’t work why are you paying for childcare?

[itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted]

Yup greedy - irrelevant he is living with parents - who would want to do that at his age??

You need to get a job and start supporting yourself

[blackcat86]

You need to start sorting out your own life rather than expecting him to provide everything. Eventually he will move on and he wont be able to hand over half his salary and live an independent adult life. I cant imagine he'll be living with his parents until retirement. You need to rebuild yourself and cut your cloth accordingly. Could the family home be sold and split? Could you retrain in something you could do flexibly?could you go to work and ask him to split childcare? You need to consider your options as your ex is currently being very generous and I just dont see that lasting long

[Anerak]

You are asking too much. Get a job and get more flexible. Everyone else has to do it

[user1483387154]

you are being very greedy

[thatmustbenigelwiththebrie]

You are being greedy. Of course your husband will have to live at his mums "for free" - he will not have enough money to run two households!

Can you not get a job?

[user1019273703]

I think thats very generous. I get £139 a month he doesn't pay mortgage or bills, I get no housing support

[Missingaclue]

I wouldn't call it greedy as such but I do think what he's paying is fair. Though I do understand how hard it is to have so little left over from bills. I've been there in the past and we're still pretty much there now.

In your position you would likely get up to 75% help towards your childcare bill if you were working. Do you need to use childcare at this time? If your children are nursery aged could you be entitled to funding now that your circumstances have changed? All 3-4 year olds should get 15 hours of funding a week and some 2 year olds may also qualify for this depending on circumstances and income. If your child/ren are younger than this I would be tempted to pull them out for a time and maybe look at nearby Play groups etc for socialising. I work and still couldn't afford my childcare bill without the help of universal credit. It's roughly 70% of my earnings.

[Bouffalant]

How old are the DC?

[PotteringAlong]

He’s paying you £1400 a month! That lots!

And yes, why do you have childcare costs when you don’t work? Surely the point of not working is that there are no childcare costs?

[emilybrontescorsett]

It is very hard op.
The trouble with pushing for child maintenance is that he might stop paying the mortgage and other bills.
My ex did this which forced me into selling out home far too cheaply in order to survive.

[emilybrontescorsett]

Is he prepared to sort out his kids and take them to school , do pick ups etc?
If not then you are further limited in your job options.

[stucknoue]

How old are the kids? You need to urgently work out how to return to work, you need to work out how you can be more flexible - the maximum he can be asked to pay by court order is 19% so he's paying a lot more, you have breathing room to find work but the system expects you to work part time minimum from when your kids turn 5, full time from 12. I know it sucks, I'm in similar circumstances though I work pt already, I'm getting 1/3 of his good income so whilst I'm aggrieved that my lifestyle is crap now I know it could be a lot worse

[slipperywhensparticus]

What are the childrens ages? You can do care work and this is like that many companies are flexible for single parents