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Ex moving away

(38 Posts)
putastrawunderbaby Tue 10-Sep-19 16:21:20

My dcs' dad is moving away, to somewhere 3 hours away on a good day, up to 5 or 6 depending on holiday traffic, weather, roadworks etc. He wants to still collect our 6 and 8 year olds on Friday after school and bring them back on Sunday for 6pm. He also wants to change Christmas arrangements to having them for a whole week, rather than one parent have Xmas Day and the other have Boxing Day. He currently has 3 weekends out of 4 and I've always been very cooperative, but I'm not happy with this as it's such a long journey. He says he has parental responsibility and noone can stop him from collecting the children from school and taking them. We only have an informal arrangement, which my solicitor outlined in a letter 2 years ago. No court order. Are his requests reasonable?

helpmum2003 Tue 10-Sep-19 16:26:51

I wouldn't want my kids to do a huge journey like that 3 times a month. (Preferably as little as possible). Maybe ask your solicitor if you could go to 2 weekends each. I suspect as your DC get older they won't want to go....
Re: Christmas maybe go for 4 days each place I stead of 7. Why is he moving?

putastrawunderbaby Tue 10-Sep-19 16:30:22

He has been working away for over a year and met someone else

Starlight456 Tue 10-Sep-19 16:31:49

I would say no . 3/4 weekends transporting that distance is him already changing the goal posts .

I would offer eow . Maybe offer to increase times over school holidays.

I would get legal advice though

putastrawunderbaby Tue 10-Sep-19 16:34:21

I'm not in favour of it tbh because I think they're going to very tired for school the next day and it also means they can't go to friends' birthday parties or playdates or things they do with Beavers.... It's really going to impact them

Raphael34 Tue 10-Sep-19 16:39:07

Definitely not. This isn’t fair on the children. Weekends are for relaxing and having fun. Travelling 3 hours after school on the Friday is neither. They’ll likely be exhausted Saturday. And they’ve got to make the journey again on the Sunday. I’d change to eow and offer to discuss holidays that would suit the both of you (and that the children would be happy with).

Doyoumind Tue 10-Sep-19 16:39:54

Honestly, I would get it sorted in court, if mediation won't work for you. I say that as someone who has been to court several times (abusive ex) and was terrified of the thought beforehand. Things are much easier with a CAO.

If you requested a reduction to EOW that would possibly be granted, if it suited you. You could likely argue your case regarding Chrismtas too. A week away over Christmas for youngish children is a lot imho. You could suggest 2 days max.

Doyoumind Tue 10-Sep-19 16:41:30

Clearly, your ex is acting in his own best interests, not the DC's by moving away so that's the angle I would go for.

bluebell34567 Tue 10-Sep-19 16:42:06

not fair on children, they will have to spend all that long time on the way and back.

putastrawunderbaby Tue 10-Sep-19 16:44:56

I don't have the money to go to court at the moment and he's someone who refused mediation over finances and always gets what he wants. He beat me down over the financial settlement by withholding maintenance. Sounds like I need a solicitor though, at least until the children are old enough to vote with their feet.

Doyoumind Tue 10-Sep-19 17:02:15

Although it might seem scary, you don't need a solicitor. It costs £215 to apply to court and needn't cost a penny more. It's something you could do with advice and support on here from people like me who have been through it.

putastrawunderbaby Tue 10-Sep-19 17:21:10

Oh thank you @Doyoumind - I genuinely had no idea that could be done! And yes it is scary so support is very much appreciated!

smartiecake Tue 10-Sep-19 17:26:08

Yes just pay the court fee direct. My sister did this and her ex did not get what he wanted, the court decided what was in the best interest of their child. Cafcass got involved a wrote their recommendations.
You don't need a solicitor

amylou8 Tue 10-Sep-19 17:40:12

I would not be happy with the DCs spending so much of their weekends traveling. Also if ex is doing all the driving, that's a minimum of 6 hours behind the wheel, too long to be safe especially with kids in the car. Would ex be able to stay locally one weekend a month, travel back with the DCs one weekend a month, and then have a 50/50 split in the holidays?

readitandwept Tue 10-Sep-19 18:34:02

means they can't go to friends' birthday parties or playdates or things they do with Beavers.... It's really going to impact them

So true and would piss me off no end. Ensuring they maintain a social lives is far more important than them accommodating his love life!

Get the self absorbed twat to court.

NorthEndGal Tue 10-Sep-19 18:37:19

I wouldnt have an issue with the amount of time, if it wasnt on the road.
That much increased travel time really increases the odds they will get caught in traffic jams, fender benders, etc

Sunflowers211 Tue 10-Sep-19 18:52:32

Refuse and start as you mean to go on. Tell him you are happy for EOW and alternate Christmas/New Year but that is it, and make sure he does not pick your kids up on Fridays from school. If he does not like it he can pay for a CAO himself.

Notimefor Tue 10-Sep-19 19:21:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Notimefor Tue 10-Sep-19 19:23:22

I’m an idiot - ignore this I need to learn how to use mumsnet😂

putastrawunderbaby Tue 10-Sep-19 19:35:16

Thank you everyone, it's good to know I'm not overreacting. And @Notimefor you've done a strong thing and I hope you find a new friendship group that cherish you

carly2803 Tue 10-Sep-19 19:50:21

hes being very unreasonable

Do you get on ok to talk about it?

careful he dosent go one way or the other i.e want the kids all the time as "travelling is too much" or it drops off contact wise.

If hes a good dad i hope he keeps up seeing them but travelling that far is rediculous

putastrawunderbaby Tue 10-Sep-19 19:53:33

If he wanted them all the time they'd have to change schools - surely that wouldn't be allowed? The 8 yr old has autism so that would be a big upheaval. Yes we get on - so long as I do exactly what he wants. He got the financial settlement he wanted by cutting off my child maintenance until I agreed to it. He's very strong.

Doyoumind Tue 10-Sep-19 20:47:03

No, changing schools wouldn't be allowed unless there was a really good reason. Everything is based on what's best for your children. If your 8yo would struggle with that amount of travelling it would also strengthen your case.

Greeni Tue 10-Sep-19 20:49:24

Having seen another posters thread about her ex effectively kidnapping her child I would withhold contact and get a court order in place ASAP for every other weekend etc

Ravingstarfish Tue 10-Sep-19 20:50:20

He got the financial settlement he wanted by cutting off my child maintenance until I agreed to it.

Go through the child maintenance service

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