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Feeling very alone and sad today.

(3 Posts)
Phycadelicsilhouette Sat 31-Aug-19 13:46:21

I have 2 DC 13 and 10 who have different fathers but have been a lone parent with them both since before they were born.
I also had my younger brother with me most and then all of the time from the age of 13-19 and I am 5 years older than him.
Didn’t have my first serious relationship until I was 26 and had come out as lesbian.
We were together for 18 months. Engaged and then broke up.
I got into another relationship probably too quickly (9 months on) and we were together for 3 1/2 years, again engaged and broke up 3 1/2 weeks ago.
I know it’s for the best, i was very unhappy and she was too. I don’t know why or how things got to where they did as I don’t have real closure and I still feel confused and question myself about everything but what’s done is done and I just want to continue to move on with my beautiful children.
I just feel so sad today. Maybe it’s still grieving the breakup rearing up again I don’t know I just feel very sad.
It’s not the sort of sad I got to a few months back where i couldn’t see any way out. I think I had a bit of a breakdown if I’m being honest but I also understand why and am now in a better place. I feel like it’s more self pity actually but I just can’t help it today.
I gave up my job last year due to personal circumstances so rely solely on benefits.
I have only a small number of friends and I don’t see them much. Partly because I get socially anxious, (more so this last few years), partly because I need allot of down time with just the kids and me. But then I get sad that I’m so isolated.
I’ve seen my friends a bit more this last few weeks, we’ve got together with the kids which has been nice and we’re staying with my brother for a few days from tomorrow before going back to school, I don’t really know what I’m getting at I just feel a bit lost today after feeling like I was feeling better again this last couple of weeks.
I am due to start a new job role next month which I’m very excited about, it’s working with children (specifically with autism). It’s only volunteer but I’m hoping that will lead to being in a paid role either there or elsewhere but I have never worked in this field before although my youngest DS has ADHD with ASD traits and sensory processing issues and I have friends with children with additional needs also that I love spending time with and I am very passionate about doing it.
Everybody sees ASD in my eldest actually too and he even said to me himself that he’s been doing some research and thinks he has Aspergers love him but he functions so well we have no need for diagnosis unless he starts to struggle in a way that we can’t manage alone.
I am starting to doubt myself with it all but I know it’s because I’m having a bad day.
I did some lengthy Cbt last year and am starting some counselling next month also and have a diagnosis of GAD through my old therapist so I know i’m learning and growing I suppose I’m having a day where I feel that I’m not.
I have nobody in my life to help me with my DC. No mum, no dad, no family other than my brother who lives miles away and works 6 days a week so can’t help. My friends I do have can’t help so childcare wise I panic I will never find paid work again and sometimes wish I had someone I trusted to occasionally fall back on for a night out once every month or 2.
I also hugely feel so sad for my DC that there is no one that ever offers them over for a day for playing and tea or a sleepover or a day out or just something.
They have friends who come over but it’s not the same as family.
Is this just me being self pitying?
I just wish I had more support sometimes. Or even just regular adults to talk to.
Anyway bit of a rant, don’t really know what I hope to gain by posting on here just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe have someone to talk to as I don’t want to burden people in my real life as I feel like it makes them want to spend less time with me than we already do.

OP’s posts: |
MummyRM100 Sun 01-Sep-19 06:35:30

@Phycadelicsilhouette I understand how you're feeling. I've been a lone parent for 7 years - my boy is 7 and his dad left when he was less than a year old. Struggled with depression and anxiety on and off since then. Had some really low times. And it's very bad again now - id finally found the man I though was 'the one' again and has a wonderful year with him after so many failed dating / short term things. His kids adored mine and vice versa. He ended the relationship a month ago due to being unable to cope with my severe anxiety problems, which had started to tear their head again since new year. My depression and anxiety is very bad now again plus the heartbreak of course.

Like you I have no family to support me. I have parents who are great with my son but we don't see eye to eye and once ds is older , I won't have anything to do with them. I can't go round to their house and chat or tell them I'm having a bad day as I'm shown the door and told to get on with it by myself. I feel incredibly lonely.

Please don't feel alone. Life's rubbish at times isn't it. I've decided to stop looking for relationships for a while now. Need to learn to love myself and learn how to reign my anxiety in before looking again x

Phycadelicsilhouette Sun 01-Sep-19 11:30:01

Hello,
Thank you for the reply. I’m feeling better today. I think I was just having a bad day regarding the breakup and overthinking everything.
I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. If somebody can’t handle our struggles though then they don’t deserve our good bits!
Anxiety is a shitter. I’m glad to hear you are focussing on yourself rather than focussing on finding someone else.
I’m well and truly in the camp of staying single now until my DC have grown up. I don’t want to close my heart from love forever I just know that a single mum with 2 DC and additional needs thrown in with no support probably isn’t what most people look for.
It’s perfect for me I just sometimes feel lonely. I think I just need to focus on what I do have rather than what I don’t have because that makes me feel lucky and happy.
Sometimes we feel more lonely when in company too and I certainly felt that way with my ex. I ended up feeling so alone. And I felt that my children were pushed out too so I am glad to be in our own company again where we are happy together.
It’s sad to hear that your parents aren’t there for you but at least they have a good relationship with your son (silver linings!)
Sorry if I’ve just ranted. Sometimes we just need to talk and I don’t know who to talk to in real life. Thank goodness I have some counselling I’m starting soon!

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