Advanced search

Thinking of Abandoning your Wife and Child? Here’s what you need to know.

(241 Posts)
Adviceshop Fri 30-Aug-19 13:26:38

1 – will I have to pay maintenance to my ex?
A: Yes – you will have to pay 16% of your gross salary (after pension deductions)
2 – So if I increase my pension contributions my maintenance will go down?
A: Yes.
3. My child is in nursery as we both work – will I have to pay half towards childcare?
A: No, not at all. If your ex wishes to continue working she will have to pay it all.
4. But won’t I have to have the child half the time and pay for my half when I have them?
A: Not if you don’t want to, no. You can just see the child at weekends and explain you can’t have them in the week because you work.
5. Is there a minimum amount of time I will need to see my child?
A: Again, no, you can see your child as little as you wish.
6. What if my ex won’t let me see my child?
A: You can take her to court to force her to allow you to see the child
7. Can my ex take me to court to force me to see the child more regularly?
A: Not at all, no, this is not available as an option.
8. Can I move away from my ex and child?
A: Certainly. In fact, if you move a long distance away you can apply for a “variation” to your child maintenance so that you pay less. You can say this is because you are incurring costs in visiting your child.
9. So I would have to prove that I was incurring these costs to get the variation?
A: Not really no. Keep the receipts from one trip and say that you’re making that same trip every month, even if you’re not.
10. Can my ex move away with my child?
A: Yes, but you can apply for a court order to stop her.
11. Can she apply for a court order to stop me moving away?
A: No, of course not.
12. Won’t my leaving have an adverse effect on my child?
A: Probably, but your ex will probably do everything in her power to minimise the ill effects.
13. How can I be sure my child will be looked after?
A: If your ex neglects your child she will be punished by the state. If it gets really bad your child will be taken into care and looked after by the state.
14. Can the state make me take my child back?
A: No, not at all.
15. Won’t society think badly of me for doing this?
A: Possibly at first. Explain how unhappy you were. If you see your child a few times a year and pay the minimum maintenance then eventually you will be called “A Good Dad”.

OP’s posts: |
Popetthetreehugger Fri 30-Aug-19 13:38:55

Useful hand book . You see , it’s all fine ! Now all you need to do is scrub said child , and stand at rose covered gate waving jauntily as X martches off in to the sunset.
Seriously, your DC is set . Just keep seeing the bloody absurd situation for what it is . It will save your sanity. Do you really want such a sorry excuse for a parent as a role model? No , thought not ! Onward and upwards adviceshop ... you now have room for the good stuff x

NooNooMummy Fri 30-Aug-19 20:56:16

Exactly this! Such a level playing field for working mums...hmm

Taswama Fri 30-Aug-19 20:59:10

Didn’t you mean to post this in Dadsnet OP ?

NooNooMummy Fri 30-Aug-19 21:02:05

...and,if you're a really nasty piece of work, you can claim she's lying about the domestic violence and/ or claim that you're the victim of domestic violence - no one will check properly and you can really make life difficult for her. For good measure, lie to your children about it too - totally confuses them and alienates them from their mother but you'll feel good about it.

PurpleSweetPeas Fri 30-Aug-19 21:03:58

@NooNooMummy that's so spot on you could be me! I'm in a good place today so can laugh but it's not always like that

ZenNudist Fri 30-Aug-19 21:04:07

Irony or useful users guide?

Adviceshop Sat 31-Aug-19 09:13:06

@ZenNudist it was intended to be heavily ironic but it is all factually correct.

I compiled it and put it in Lone Parents as I knew readers would recognise the unfairness compared with what we as single mothers get left with.

I read a post by a teacher who is paying over £1600 child support so that she can work and she can't afford to live. The father doesn't have to pay a penny towards that childcare and I was fucking outraged on behalf of all of us.

OP’s posts: |
Adviceshop Sat 31-Aug-19 09:13:59

*teacher is paying childcare not child support sorry

OP’s posts: |
GoneToTheDock Sat 31-Aug-19 09:17:43

Yup, having grown up in a single parent family where my sperm donor ( he is not my 'father' or my 'dad' even though he was married to my DM) all of this is correct except for him paying anything at all, or even bothering to see us

It's so awful

lyingwanker Sat 31-Aug-19 09:25:20

Disgraceful isn't it?

You forgot one though...

If I have another child can I pay less in child support?

Yes, the more kids you have with your new partner the less you pay for your first family.

SeaSidePebbles Sat 31-Aug-19 09:25:43

Yup, every word is true.
That’s why I ‘regret’ not making him have DD 50/50. In a way. In the other hand, he was abusive towards her, the thought of 50/50 did not enter any equation. But now she’s a teenager and plays one against the other, I wish it was 50/50.

OrchidInTheSun Sat 31-Aug-19 10:34:23

Oh yes and another point. If I am self employed, I can set up a limited company easily and cheaply and pay myself minimum wage while taking most of my income in the form of dividends. This means that only the salary portion is taken into account by the CMS, reducing maintenance payments to virtually nothing. Ker-ching!

pikapikachu Sat 31-Aug-19 11:59:09

You forgot to inform the Dad that if his new gf has children then he can reduce his child support regardless of whether or not he pays anything towards his gf's kids.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver Sat 31-Aug-19 12:05:39

Did my father compile this list?
Also you can gaslight your adult children about all the horrible things they remember from childhood. No matter what they remember you are right!
Don't forget that nothing was your fault. Your evil ex and your children are entirely at fault for every horrible thing you did.
Your ex may have had to live on benefits when your children were young but that was purely for her own sake and had nothing to do with the fact she could afford to work.
Finally make sure you slag off your ex to your kids every chance you get and if they happen to love the woman who raised them more than you then turn on them.

pikapikachu Sat 31-Aug-19 12:08:57

Also he can decide to make a reappearance after many years away and the courts will give him contact! How nice of them.

Being abusive to the mother isn't seen as a potential threat to the kids!

Having CM arrears won't affect your ability to get credit cards and mortgages!

You can tell CM and your mortgage company that you earn different amounts and it's never flagged up fraud.

Not seen your kids because you're a deadbeat? Use Parental Alienation as an excuse to get sympathy.

Your ex looking smart and groomed last time you saw her? She's probably using the paltry CM money to get her hair and nails done.

HugoLast Sat 31-Aug-19 12:12:24

Very powerful.

sue51 Sat 31-Aug-19 13:41:01

Excellent post.

june2007 Sat 31-Aug-19 13:48:33

Now do one for if you abandon your husband and child .

Rainbowknickers Sat 31-Aug-19 14:12:46

In my case don’t pay a penny for your kids cos you work cash in hand
If you see your ex you tell everyone she’s spending all this none paid money on herself-in fact act proud of not paying for your kids cos ‘she’ll only spend it in herself’
Go abroad at least 3 times a year but take out a court order saying your kids can’t leave the country without your permission which you won’t give so the kids don’t get to go away at all
Don’t bother driving the 2 miles down the road cos ‘she won’t let me see them’ even tho you didn’t bother showing up at the arranged times in the first place
Slag off the mother for everything she’s doing wrong-even tho you don’t know the true facts so you can make it all up to suit yourself
When you go to prison for drug dealing-claim it’s not your fault at all-she made you do it-even tho you hadn’t seen her in 5 years at this point
Ditto when you get caught with firearms
Stalk her gaslight her and just do what you can to make life hell
When the kids are all grown up feel free to tell everyone it’s all her fault they don’t want to know you even though the kids did try to get in touch and you told them you wanted a dna test cos ‘your not mine-she was shagging around behind my back’ and trying to fleece them out of their childhood savings (ignoring the dv,mental abuse and the fact it was you that got a 14 year old pregnant behind her back)

But it’s mum that’s the bad guy in all this!

zsazsajuju Sat 31-Aug-19 14:19:22

Op is sadly right. We need better child support laws. These men (and it’s almost always men) should be pursued relentlessly for what they owe. And they should be paying a realistic amount in the first place.

Not that you can force men to be decent fathers though, but the financial bit could be forced so that’s a start.

Kudos to all the single moms making it work.

Gingerkittykat Sat 31-Aug-19 14:25:17

You forgot that in a lot of cases you can simply not to bother paying the maintenance set by CMS. Delay answering every letter, they will give you a few weeks to replay and then a second chance. They might get a DOE order eventually if you are unlucky but it takes a couple of months to set up each time by the time CMS get your new details from HMRC and write to your employer. You can frequently job hop to make it as hard as possible.

The CMS have powers like taking away passports and driving licenses but never use them.

Join a group like families need fathers and you will get loads of validation and support to make it as difficult for your ex as possible.

TanMateix Sat 31-Aug-19 14:28:33


I have another one:
If you are lucky, you will even get a lot of people offering to babysit your kids in your rare contact days because you work so hard being such a good parent on the day a week you have them that you deserve a rest. So, who knows, you may not even need to spend time with your kids at all when you are meant to have contact with them.

You can choose not to see them at all or pay maintenance at all, if someone questions you about that just say your ex is a crazy butch who doesn’t allow you to see your kids and mostly everyone will believe you.

Mum56347 Sat 31-Aug-19 15:44:17

" Op is sadly right. We need better child support laws. These men (and it’s almost always men) should be pursued relentlessly for what they owe. And they should be paying a realistic amount in the first place. " -zsazsajuju

It's almost always men because most kids are living with their mothers. Some men don't want to be RP and they should be pay child support. But there are also men who would like to shared residence, 50-50. But their ex want them to pay child support anyway. I feel like too often fathers role is to be a visitor and pay child support and that's it.

Mum56347 Sat 31-Aug-19 15:46:59

Some women don't allow their ex to see his kids. And some men are just deadbeat dads. You never know what the truth is.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in