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Mums stopping contact with Dads

(119 Posts)
angell84 Wed 28-Aug-19 23:40:06

I would just like to share my story, because it really might help some mum's to see the bigger picture - in allowing their child contact with their Dad.

My Dad was from England and my mum was from a different European country.
When they divorced we all lived in England for a time and she began to let us see him less and less. He had to go to court to fight for access. Can I add here that my Dad was a lovely man, and I wanted to see him every week - but I had no power or control. My mother had all the power.

She then took us to her home country of birth without his permission. He had police looking for us for a long time. She then lied to police that he had hit her. And told him that he would be arrested if he came to her country. She told us awful things about him

. She forced me to write letters to him saying awful things to him. I didnt want to write them. I had no say. I had no power to see my father whatsoever. Years passed and my teenage brother eventually had a break down and was put into an adolescent psychiatric unit. He told health workers there that he hadn't seem his dad in years and he needed to see them. They were finally able to make my mother allow my father to see us at the health centre. This was after five years. I still remember my Dad walking in, hugging us and hysterically crying. That is seared into my heart.

Then the war began again with him and my mother. She psychologically abused him into the ground. She would tell him we were going over for visits, then not let us go at the last minute, not tell him and make him drive hours to the airport and make him wait for us there. Again she made me write awful things to him.

My broke my father down and my father committed suicide three years ago. I am an adult now, every day I wake up in the morning - and my first thought is total pain and rage at all what happened. And pain and rage at the system that puts the mother's rights over the father's.

To mothers out there - you have the power. Please, please be compassionate and let the fathers of your children see their children. It causes unending pain to the father AND to the children when you seperate them.

OP’s posts: |
Parent999 Thu 29-Aug-19 05:23:10

That is a sad story and I’m sorry my friend, but it falls on deaf ears here. I’ve witnessed first hand the truly heinous lies and spite and will never understand how they justify the unnatural need to stay in control of “their” children.

sue51 Thu 29-Aug-19 08:46:08

That's so sad and shocking to read and I hope that eventually you can make peace with what has happened and move on with your life. True that there is controlling behaviour by some mothers but there are many posts here from women who are desperate who are desperate for their children to have a relationship with absent disinterested fathers. Awful behaviour can be from both parents.

Newtothis213 Thu 29-Aug-19 08:47:19

OP your story is so awful, truly heartbreaking to hear anyone going through that and the tragic repercussions for all involved. I hope your story hits home to some who are witholding contact for no good reason.

@parent999 bit of a generalisation slating all mothers there. Relationships end and unfortunately things can become bitter and twisted, often the mother and the father do wrong to each other.

NorthernSpirit Thu 29-Aug-19 12:15:21

I am so sorry to hear your story OP.

I have witnessed the devastation that mother’s withholding child contact with the father.

My OH spent 2 years in court fighting to see his own children and still contact us withheld. The courts don’t bother doing anything but slapping the mother in the wrist. Only when these RP’s realise that children aren’t belongings or weapons to punish Will things change.

The result is fathers desperate to see their kids and screwed up kids.

Let’s hope karma really does exist.

TwinOtter Thu 29-Aug-19 22:21:06

Thank you for sharing your story.

I am so sorry for what you went through, that sounds absolutely devastating 💔

I hope you someday manage to forgive your mother, purely so you no longer have to go through that pain every morning...

My stepdaughters mother prevents her from coming to our home often, and the impact is already starting to take effect (in our case the OPPOSITE of what BM wanted which is that DSD wants to spend more time with us because she's made us seem more appealing...)

If I was a bitter person I'd laugh at how her tactics backfired. But there's a child in the centre that was always destined to lose ONE parent who loved her either way... and that literally breaks my heart 💔

I grew up in a "broken" home -

ThighThighOfthigh Thu 29-Aug-19 22:28:53

I'm very sad that my youngest doesn't have his Dad in his life. I stressed to the father that he could see him any time he liked, even every day if he wanted. He did EOW for a few years, then 1 WE in 3 for a while, then a couple of times a year and now nothing for 6 years.

I've never obstructed anything and always been friendly/civil.

And still i have a kid with no Dad.

Mum56347 Thu 29-Aug-19 22:29:24

Everytime someone wants to start a discussion about child alienation some people will try to change the topic.

"What about men?? Some men are deadbeat dads!!"

It's so annoying and so pathetic.

ThighThighOfthigh Fri 30-Aug-19 09:18:43

Well go ahead then, it's just so far outside most lone parents' experience.

Mum56347 Fri 30-Aug-19 19:10:30

It's not lone parents' experience obviously. It's something NRP's have to deal with.

This just happens every time.

"Hey can we talk about women who keep kids away from fathers?"

"My ex is a deadbeat!"

ThighThighOfthigh Sat 31-Aug-19 05:24:47

Mum you do have a point, i do know RPs who do keep kids away from their other parent. None of them would say they are practising parental alienation but a dispassionate view would be a different one sometimes.

Therein lies the problem i believe, people can lose perspective when it comes to their children and are unable to take a dispassionate view.

CheeseChipsMayo Sat 31-Aug-19 05:39:51

YOUR story OP..there are many different ones! 1000's of us single mums that wished we'd had better for our kids instead of cheating/violence and absolute disinterest..time to move on&get over it dont you think.

mrsmuddlepies Sat 31-Aug-19 06:28:39

Your mother sounds awful, OP. I am so sorry for your sad story.
Ignore the posters who try to shoe horn their own story into your thread. Some people have little empathy for others.
It sounds like you really need to talk through your suffering with a caring counsellor.
I hope you no longer have contact with your abusive mother.
I don't know if you can contact your father's family ? Talking about him to them might help a bit.
You were the child, your mother was the manipulative abusive adult.

mrsmuddlepies Sat 31-Aug-19 06:32:45

I think parental alienation is now recognised in the way that it wasn't a few years ago.
Posters on here always advise going through courts to establish fair right of access and keeping a record of when access is denied.
It doesn't help you though. So sorry for your terrible loss.

mrsmuddlepies Sat 31-Aug-19 07:27:46

OP, you might want to have this thread transferred to the Relationship Board. You will probably receive more support and understanding from other posters on there.

Newtothis213 Sat 31-Aug-19 07:40:45

@cheesechipsmayo show some compassion for someone who has been through a lot. OP was merely sharing his story, i hope when you've shared yours no one has told you to 'get over it'

TeachesOfPeaches Sat 31-Aug-19 07:47:54

Sorry to hear your sad story OP.

If it is any comfort to you, things are changing. If you persistently obstruct contact for no real reason there is a real risk of your children being taken from you and moved to the other parents home. It's called 'parental alienation' and seems like it is starting to be taken seriously.

Lots of split families also end up with court ordered 50/50 care (personally don't agree with this).

TeachesOfPeaches Sat 31-Aug-19 07:50:29

Also I think it is more difficult now to move children to another country without permission. The parent will be arrested and made to return if within certain countries.

angell84 Sat 31-Aug-19 16:36:36

@CheeseChipsMayo no I don't think that it is time to move on and get over my farher's suicide - thank you very much. I hope that one day you can learn compassion for others.

OP’s posts: |
angell84 Sat 31-Aug-19 16:40:47

Thank you everyone else for the lovely messages. They mean a lot.

OP’s posts: |
TanMateix Sat 31-Aug-19 17:07:18

I’m very sorry about the way your mum behaved, that is incredibly abusive and soul destroying for everyone involved. I would like to reassure you that this is a very extreme and rare case as it is actually very difficult for a resident parent to have enough power to stop the other parent seeing their children.

Contact with both parents is protected by court in the vast majority of cases regardless of what the kid wants and how good that contact can be. I have seen a good number of mums being rebuffed at court by trying to protect their kids from abuse even when this has resulted in severe harm or death of the kids, while I have only seen a dad fighting a deranged mum who did want to stop contact without cause. I have also heard a lot of uninterested parents claim they are not allowed to see their kids. Honestly, if a parent wants to see their kids it is practically impossible to stop them but in most cases it is their interest in the kids waning off as they move on with their life (although some may be prevented by the excessive costs of courts)

It is true that the vast majority of child abductions are committed by an estranged partner/spouse, It is easy to track the abducting parent down in the UK but not if the kids are taken out of the country before there is a residence order/agreement done or in progress.

What she has done is disgraceful, and truly extreme abusive behaviour. I’m really sorry for your DF and all the damage you all have endured at her hands. But be reassured that despite what people think, it is actually quite rare for a resident parent to be able to prevent a non resident one from having contact with their kids.

I hope you are safely away from your mum and that your brother and you can recover from such level of abuse.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka Sat 31-Aug-19 17:09:49

So sorry OP that this has happened to you and that your father died by suicide. I’m not sure how you ever get over that but I hope you and your brother find peace one day. It’s terrible that he has suffered too.

FWIW, I know many, many parents who have split up, all mums bar one, and I’ve only known one (a mum) who went out of her way to alienate her children from their father. Her actions truly shocked me and we are no longer friends, partly due to her outrageous behaviour. Everyone else has either a good co-parenting relationship with their ex or doesn’t for a multitude of reasons but just gets on with their life and has no interest in making the dad’s (or mum’s) life hell. Myself included. I don’t think their are many parents like your mum, which is a blessing.

angell84 Sat 31-Aug-19 17:16:42

@tanmateix. Thank you very much for your message, but I am afraid that it DOES happen alot more than you think.
See the poster above on this thread saying that her partner has not seen his child for two years.
You are talking about at court level. Yes, courts usually say that children should see both parents. But the problem is - the courts say this , but do not ENFORCE it.

Say, a court says to a mother - you must let your ex see the children every other weekend. The court tells her to do this. She can still then decide to not do what the court tells her, and at this point I can tell you - the courts do very little. There are not enough strong sanctions in place to make a mother do what the court tells her to do.

Look at the thousands of fathers in fathers4justice who do not see their children. Look at the recent case that they talked about. They said that George Kay, Kerry katonas ex killed himself, because she would not let him see his daughter for over a year.

Why don't courts impose follow up sanctions. Eg the mother should get a huge fine and threat of jail if she does not comply with a court order. At the moment nothing happens.

OP’s posts: |
Oswin Sat 31-Aug-19 17:21:36

Fathers4justice are teaming with abusive men. The founder is one of those.
George Kay was a mentally ill drug taker.
Just because f4j say they are all innocent doesn't mean it's true.

angell84 Sat 31-Aug-19 17:23:36

@oswin Did you forget that Kerry Katona was also a mentally Ill , drug taker?

OP’s posts: |

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