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kids sharing bedroom with Dad during contact

(43 Posts)
Mylado Mon 26-Aug-19 22:51:59

I have separated from my husband 5 years ago.Since then, he has lived with his parents in their house. Our 11 year old daughter and 9 year old son have alternative weekends and Tuesday overnight contact with him which they spend at this house. My concern is that the kids sleep on bunk beds in the same bedroom as their Dad. My daughter is 11 and starting secondary school next week. She will most probably be hitting puberty quite soon. What can I do about this? Does CAFCAS have any guidance and rules on this subject? I'm also scared that if her new school peers get to know about it, they'll make her life hell!

OP’s posts: |
HennyPennyHorror Mon 26-Aug-19 22:56:18

I think you might be slightly overreacting unless you have worries that you've not mentioned here. My DC would happily sleep in a bunk in the same room as their's not ideal but it's not terrible either. My DD is also 11.

Why would her peers give her hell anyway? Has he plans to get a bigger place? This will only work for a 13 or so it would be getting weird.

princesskatethefirst Mon 26-Aug-19 23:04:12

I can't see how it's different to them sharing a hotel room? DD does with us, generally two double bed rooms, she's in one we are in other. She's 15. She gets dressed in bathroom or when DH is in shower, it's really no biggy if it's only temporary.

Soontobe60 Mon 26-Aug-19 23:06:32

I don't think this is an issue at all! He's her father!

Grobagsforever Mon 26-Aug-19 23:09:46

What do you think the issue is? They're all immediate family!

Mylado Mon 26-Aug-19 23:12:59

My concern is that my daughter feels embarassed about it. A friend of hers at primary school went over to play and told the rest of the girls in their circle that she was sleeping in the same room as her brother and Dad and next door to her uncle. If it was for a weeks holiday of course I wouldn't think anything of it, but this has been the situation for the last 5 years. He doesn't have a stable job and was sacked from his last job for fraud, so I can't see him getting another house anytime soon!

OP’s posts: |
Answerthequestion Mon 26-Aug-19 23:14:19

You’re being ridiculous, it sounds like a perfectly acceptable arrangement.

MsJaneAusten Mon 26-Aug-19 23:15:52

Maybe suggest he gets a screen she can change behind, or curtains for her bed?

AllFourOfThem Mon 26-Aug-19 23:16:18

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 26-Aug-19 23:17:24

Well why don't you tell your ex that then? That her friend teased her and embarrassed her and can he think of a solution? I assume there is no spare room in the house or the DC would sleep in it. Are you hoping to stop the overnights or something?

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 26-Aug-19 23:18:32

What do you want him to do about it? Magic up an extra room?

lilcreed Mon 26-Aug-19 23:18:50

You may have a valid reason to be saying this (perhaps something you haven’t mentioned here). However, he is their father. This does not sound like an unacceptable arrangement to me.

If she is uncomfortable, then I feel that it would be good to get guidance. However I feel that it is more you that is making this a problem.

Helloitsmemargaret Mon 26-Aug-19 23:19:09

@AllFourOfThem you realise this is an actual person you are speaking to? You're being incredibly, and unnecessarily rude. You have no idea of the circumstances.

lilcreed Mon 26-Aug-19 23:19:56

Please don’t minimise his contact with his children. The only people it hurts are the children.

DippyAvocado Mon 26-Aug-19 23:21:28

I can see what you mean and think as she gets older it is less appropriate, especially if she feels uncomfortable about it. How good is your relationship with ex? Could you discuss increasing her privacy? Either some sort of partition as suggested, or maybe he could sleep on the sofa when the DC are visiting?

MrsWooster Mon 26-Aug-19 23:22:52

Perhaps he could share with his brother, leaving his room for the kids but that has to be his choice/decision... stopping /obstructing contact with dad is likely to have more serious effects in dc than discomfort over rooming (unless there’s susp of abuse ofc)

HennyPennyHorror Tue 27-Aug-19 00:46:47

You're being precious. I find it hard to believe her friends reacted as you say they did and if they DID then they're bullies, plain and simple.

Mylado Tue 27-Aug-19 04:25:43

HennyPennyHorror. Are you accusing my daughter or myself of lying?

OP’s posts: |
barryfromclareisfit Tue 27-Aug-19 04:37:22

OP, you are perfectly correct. At this age, she should not be sharing with her father or her brother. You need to help her with this and come to a suitable arrangement with the father. A ‘curtain’ will not do.

snitzelvoncrumb Tue 27-Aug-19 04:46:34

I would give it a bit more time, and perhaps at 13 if she is bothered by it let her know that she can ask to sleep in a different room, but it may have to be on the sofa so to think carefully about it.

Oceanbliss Tue 27-Aug-19 05:05:43

MyladoI YANBU. I agree with barryfromclareisfit. And what parent wouldn't consider their 11 year olds feelings about sharing a room with a sibling and parent of the opposite sex. The responses you have gotten so far are really odd.

SnowsInWater Tue 27-Aug-19 05:41:06

Post separation unfortunately it's not always possible for both parents to have ideal housing situations, usually because of money. Not seeing dad would be far more damaging for your kids than having to share a bedroom. Your daughter might be a bit embarrassed about her friends knowing, though as someone else said that doesn't make them very nice friends, but the whole "everyone must sleep separately" think is very culturally specific anyway so I would try not to make a big deal of it for now.

Soontobe60 Tue 27-Aug-19 06:36:22

Your dd is embarrassed because her 'friend' has spread gossip about her. As this has been the sleeping arrangement for 5 years, she will know no different. Of course, everyone needs some privacy, and I'm sure she gets some for when she's dressing etc.
Your update about your exs circumstances regarding employment is unnecessary and shows that you're just having a go at him. Referring to the times they stay at his home as 'contact' also speaks volumes. Do you refer to the times they are with you as 'contact'?
As others have said, having a relationship with their father is most important, not where they sleep. It seems like he's doing his best in the circumstances. Stop having a dig at him, and think about how to discuss the issues sensibly with your DD such as how to deal with her mean friend, and how to maintain some privacy at her dads house.

Jesaminecollins Tue 27-Aug-19 06:44:36

Perhaps the daughter can tell her Dad how she feels and he might make different sleeping arrangements for next time she visits

MaybeDoctor Tue 27-Aug-19 06:48:47

It seems to me that the friend is a nasty, gossipy piece of work and is the one who should be avoided, rather than her dad.

The sleeping arrangements aren’t ideal, no, but I think with sensible arrangements around dressing and using the bathroom they are ok on a temporary basis.

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