This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Single mum, husband has given up!(36 Posts)
So I thought I use this as a way of expressing myself before I burst! My husband and I have been separated since 10th March and I had always hoped we would sort it out. He suffers with depression, it’s been a long battle, which gets worse when he goes on drinking binges. The night I decided enough was enough, he threw a knife at me, and squashed toast in my face in front of the kids. This night was a particularly awful night, he was drunk again and came home ready to start a fight. By no means am I innocent, I fought back not in front of the kids. That was the night I gave him a choice, he leaves and gets help or he stays and the kids and I would leave. He left. I have had a barrage of abuse, guilt trips but I know I made the right decision. Please do not misunderstand me he was always a fantastic father but the depression made him not such a good one and I thought the space would give him a wake up call. It hasn’t so much and about a month after leaving home, I found out he has always been messaging inappropriately, when I say inappropriately I mean messaging other women that a married man should not be messaging. I am now being called unsupportive and heartless about his depression. I’ve tried to be there but I couldn’t help him, the knife was the straw the broke the camels back and I had to protect the kids. It makes me physically sick they witnessed this. Now I’m in limbo, he says he’s wants to come home but I know he’s been up to all sorts which he doesn’t know I know. He has had 3 therapy sessions and says he’s much better, do I let him back? Will he change? What’s best for the kids? Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated because I’m no mans land do I believe he’s changed, if I don’t let him home am I not being supportive with his depression. The kids are my priority and to think we could go back to that fills me with dread!
I would say it hasn't been long enough. I've known many a depressed alcoholic. 15 years later one is dead and the other in rehab.
3 therapy sessions and he thinks you should let him back? He's having a fucking laugh. He threw a KNIFE at you for God's sake. He has to be in therapy and sober for at least a YEAR for you to have any faith that he might stick with it.
And you don't have to be supportive of his depression. What has HE done to deal with it apart from 3 miserable therapy sessions?!
He was on anti depressants but wasn’t taking them regularly and drinking on top. He makes me feel that I’ve not supported him and that I’m the cause of his depression.
No way on earth would I let him back. You've done the hardest bit, keep on going. And if people tell you you're being mean, enlighten them on the extent of his shittiness.
The kids do not need to see this kind of behaviour/relationship.
So he threw a knife at you in front of the kids and you're wondering whether or not to take him back...?
Thank you. I know deep down this is the right decision it’s just very difficult when you know what he’s up to, on top of everything that’s happened, and I’m waiting in the back ground hoping he’ll get better. Just feel stupid, he consistently tells me I’m keeping him from his children (he can see them whenever he like) luckily he’s living with his parents so I know the kids are safe as they are always there, if he ever moves out though I’m not looking forward to that conversation!!
No OP! 3 therapy sessions is nowhere near enough for meaningful change, please don't cave in and let him back. He has a long journey in front of him and you need to be prepared that he may very well never do the work needed for him to change, what you're hearing from him now is lip service so you'll let him come home.
If he really wants to do it and he's listening to the right advice he will know that he needs to concentrate entirely on himself and he can't do that and work on his relationship with you. If you can't keep him away for yourself and DC (and you absolutely should) then do it because you know it gives him the best chance of recovery.
And what about you in all this OP? How much more do you think you should take from him before you walk away? It sounds like you've been working your arse off to help him for a long time and he couldn't even be loyal enough to not look for thrills messaging other women! Enough now, depression is no excuse to treat you so badly, time to concentrate on you and DC
If you are the cause of his depression (unlikely), then staying away would surely be the best thing for him? I agree with the above posters; he has been physically and verbally abusive to you and shows no respect with the flirty text messages to other women. Why on earth would you let him back into your life? He can be a good dad when the kids visit him. He has not been a good husband to you.Give them a safe home away from the alcoholism.
Thank you. I know what you are saying is spot on, it’s just so difficult I’m consumed with guilt that I haven’t been a big enough support but I had to protect my children. He’s not owning anything so I’m not going to cave but I guess I just need to vent and listen to people who are impartial to the situation as you can imagine the families are divided!!
I really think you would benefit from the freedom program , my ex also had mh problems . It really helped me unpack that there was so much abuse within it.
He still takes no responsibility , you made him depressed , you are not supporting him.
He does not respect you the messages say it all .
The next issue the children , be very careful what they are exposed to. My mil used to supervise contact but ultimately she tried to look after her Ds and covered things so her Ds could see his son .
I would simply reduce the contact you have with him . His depression is not yours to deal with.
You also have a right to be happy
Thank you I will definitely look into the freedom program. I’ve not heard of it before so will try anything to get me through this.
I have depression. I have help and do what I need to. I've had arguments with my partner but I have never throw a knife at him, hit him. Or abuses him. In front of our or his kids. That's a massive red line.
Someone can be abusive and be depressed, the two. Are not mutually exclusive.
If this was happening to your adult child what would you tell them. To. Do? Leave I suspect. Please be careful, next time he could really hurt you
WAY too early, he's done sod all to show he's genuine in wanting to improve things (as the child of an alcoholic I'd say he needs to AT LEAST be in a sobriety programme, fully engaged with therapy and treating the depression and behaving appropriately in terms of fidelity and aggressive behaviours, be sober for AT LEAST a year before I'd even consider them moving back in!)
The 3 c's not only apply to partners with addiction, but I would say mh issues too. And I say that as someone who suffers
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
He is being completely irresponsible in not dealing with his issues.
He's still all 'me, me, me', isn't he?! Does he actually give a damn about you and how hard it is for you? Has he ONCE put you and your feelings first? Because it sounds like he's only thinkingl about what you can do for him....
You don’t know what a relief that is to hear. I’ve spent so long being blamed and then feeling selfish because I’ve now made a stand. Then when I ask about me his response is he’s battling mh. I know he’s battling and I obviously don’t understand what he’s going through but sometimes I just want to feel like I’m worth something.
He won’t admit to having a drinking problem.
He threw a knife at you?! Then blamed you for it?
Screw that noise, that's it. He's life threatening.
Change the locks. Don't look back.
Can I specify it wasn’t a huge kitchen knife, it was quite a blunt knife, it did break the skin and caused bruising but I don’t want to make out it caused a severe injury and I’m not making excuses it’s not right regardless of what knife but also don’t want to imply anything worse.
PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE.
IF you take him back it will be him
Being exactly the same. He might kill you next time.
Doesn’t matter how big knife was . He aimed a knife at you . Do not minimise that.
It wasn’t all him, I wasn’t innocent and I protected myself.
Flora youre makng excuses for someone throwing a knife at you. Theres no good excuse for that. It is inexcusable.
What if the knife had hit one of your children? What if next time it does hit a child?
Please login first.