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Struggling

(6 Posts)
QueenOfNothing20 Sun 07-Jul-19 17:11:16

Me and my husband split up 5 months ago. He’s currently living with his parents while he saves for a place to rent which will hopefully be by Christmas. He sees them one mid week evening and every Friday night and drops them back home on a Saturday afternoon. He says once he has his own place he will have them more but i can’t see it happening, he is full to the brim with false promises.
He cancels on them a lot mid week, this week he’s cancelled on them 3 times as he kept re arranging and my oldest son has been very upset and angry. If it was for a genuine reason then I would be more understanding but he’s a liar, always has been so I know most of the time its because he’s got home from work and decided he’s tired and will just reschedule seeing the kids. I’ve caught him out a few times where he’s said he’s had car trouble then I’ve had a message from a friend saying “oh just seen DH with his friend at X”

I just hate this dynamic that these kind of dads just leave and that’s it, their hands are washed of any responsibility it’s now all down to the other parent to handle, they will do their one day a week and they are some kind of saint, why is it fair that everything is down to me!? I work full time and I’m up at 5am every day with my 1 year old, I don’t stop until about 9pm, then when the kids are with their dad for that one day I spend all my time sorting the house, washing clothes, going food shopping etc. It never ends.
Am I wrong in wanting him to step up and have them more once he has his own place? My son misses his dad so much and it’s heartbreaking to see how upset he gets when I have to tell him he’s not coming.
I know I have it better than a lot of other single mums and I hate to moan but I just feel so angry right now. My 1 year old has hit terrible 2’s, I’m exhausted, I’m skint and I don’t see this changing any time soon. Any advice for a stressed out mum.

OP’s posts: |
readitandwept Sun 07-Jul-19 17:33:05

You need to agree set contact times. You make them available for that agreed time and anything else just doesn't suit you. So you agree Wednesday nights. Wednesday night comes, he asks to make it Thursday, you say no, that isn't convenient. No explanations required. That's on him and hopefully after a few weeks, he gets the message.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to expect him to have them more once he has a place. One night a weekend, or two nights EOW, plus at least a few hours mid week, if not an overnight then too.

I hope you're getting maintenance?

readitandwept Sun 07-Jul-19 17:35:38

And I don't know how old the other child is, but make it a priority that you get school holiday contact arranged ASAP when necessary. Do not let him land you with using all your annual leave to cover childcare for all school holidays!

QueenOfNothing20 Sun 07-Jul-19 17:57:27

He pays maintenance and never messes me around with money thankfully.

He’s self employed and if he doesn’t go to work he doesn’t get paid, so all school holidays fall on me to arrange and pay for. I get help a couple of days a week in the hols from family members but it literally is just a couple of days.
He says he can’t have them to sleep mid week due to work, hello I work too?! He could drop them at the childminders before work but it’s not doable for him apparently so that just leaves the weekend to have extra time with them.
I think back to when I was younger and when my parents split up, my dad would have us every single weekend all weekend without fail, he was always there and I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to do the same for his kids.

OP’s posts: |
readitandwept Sun 07-Jul-19 18:01:38

So in all your time together, he's never taken any days off? You've never had any holidays in the time he's been self employed? Really?

QueenOfNothing20 Mon 08-Jul-19 06:54:15

He’s only been self employed a couple of years and in that time no he’s never taken a week off for a holiday. He’s had the odd day here and there off for kids appointments, childcare emergencies but that’s it, no days off since we separated though.

OP’s posts: |

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