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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

DH donating sperm to BF

44 replies

syd · 25/07/2007 23:28

My best friend, for lots of complicated reasons , is single although beautiful, accomplished, successful etc etc. She had a m/c last year aged 38 and it really crystallized in her mind her desire to have a child but no man worth his salt is in sight.

So, the long and the short of it is that my DH made a very loving offer - and completely to do with his love for her and her place in our lives and because we once faced the possibility of not being able to have children of our own - to donate sperm.

My first thoughts were that was incredible of him but she might feel weird about it. She feels that surely I would feel weird about it. She's already like extended family and godparent to ours so I don't feel anything but positive about it. But am I missing something out - that's what's worrying me. Presumably if it gets to that point, they can do an IVF type donation situation - haven't done any research into that yet, and I read some other threads about how the anonymous sperm donation legalities were handled.

Thoughts, input, any adviice please?

OP posts:

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FluffyMummy123 · 25/07/2007 23:29

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 25/07/2007 23:29

Message withdrawn

JeremyVile · 25/07/2007 23:29

Good god woman.
Are you crazy?

expatinscotland · 25/07/2007 23:31

Absolutely NOT.

Recipe for disaster.

WTF? I cannot imagine accepting this of my best friend's husband.

I agree with Cod.

This is a Very Bad Idea.

And yeah, you're missing something out: your children and how they will feel about it.

'No man worth his salt'? Not true at all.

controlfreakyflitwick · 25/07/2007 23:32

i think this is a potential minefield..... how might you really feel faced with her baby ...... who will be your dc's half sibling?? how will your dc's feel? how will your dh feel...... what if the friendship ends, how would you feel then about this? my gut instinct is to scream NOOOOOOOOOOO....
at the v v least you should all consider some objective outside help to think this through from a counsellor.

JeremyVile · 25/07/2007 23:32

....'very loving offer'

Indeed

expatinscotland · 25/07/2007 23:33

Touche, Jeremy, touche.

NadineBaggott · 25/07/2007 23:40

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig mistake.

expatinscotland · 25/07/2007 23:40

HugeMistake .

NadineBaggott · 25/07/2007 23:47

expatinscotland · 25/07/2007 23:48

'Help! My husband donated sperm to my former best friend and now it's all gone Pete Tong. What to do?'

That'll be the thread.

privacynomore · 25/07/2007 23:49

dont.
long term implications.
will your dh be the legal father?
will he be liable to support etc? HOW will that affect you and your children?
how will you children fleel about it in the future?
just dont.
tell her to go to a sperm bank, or have a one night stand.

KristinaM · 25/07/2007 23:55

I agree with privacynomore. she shoudl go to a sperm bank

how exactly were you planning to explain thsi all to your children and hers?

Pan · 26/07/2007 00:00

She has a massive number of options. This is the worst. A few years ago I did arrange a friend to be a donor for a lesbian friend of mine. My friend's wife ( also my friend) was "supportive" at the time, though hesitant. IT wasn't needed in the end as she became pregnant by another donor, anonymous.
We ALL agreed we acted in the best of intents, but were hughely relieved in hindsight it didn't actually happen.

She can look elsewhere, at nooo cost/fear to anyone else.

expatinscotland · 26/07/2007 00:06

Could look abroad.

Or the one-night stand.

UCM · 26/07/2007 00:06

NO NO No. This may seem like a very loving thing to do right now. Further down the line, your bloke will realise, that, it's his child, not just hers. There could be repercussions with him wanting access, her denying it and you getting the hump because he wants to spend all of his spare time with her.

Don't do it. Tell her to go to the sperm bank.

singledadofthree · 26/07/2007 00:13

no - dont let him do it - will become far too complicated.

aikigypsy · 26/07/2007 00:48

I am going to dissent, and say that although it's complicated, it's not necessarily a recipe for disaster. The thing is, it's NOT an anonymous donation, and if she's around all the time, then your husband will definitely have a relationship with the child. You should be able to arrange it so that there's no formal, legal responsibility for support, etc., but that's only the tip of the iceberg.

When I was looking for a sperm donor I mostly only talked to un-attached and gay men about it, just because that was what felt right to me, no reason a guy who could have children in his regular relationship should want to do it. I actually think it could work, but yeah, a one night stand would be simpler -- not the most effective method, though, as most men these days I've found are on the cautious side.

macmama73 · 26/07/2007 01:08

But a one night stand? I don't think that is a good alternative.

Aside from the fact that she will not know the medical history of the guy, (he could be HIV+, fgs), is it fair to him to deliberately get pregnant and not let him know about it. It would be his child too.

Added to that, what about the child. When he asks who his father is, she will say, "Just a guy I picked up in a bar so I could get pregnant".

Not to mention that at least this way your BF knows the full medical history (possible inherited conditions etc)

If your BF and your DH are happy with the whole thing, I think it would be far less traumatic for the child to have a father figure he knows and respects than to always wonder who his father was.

expatinscotland · 26/07/2007 01:13

What about his other children?

Anyone thought of them?

How'd they feel?

There are WAY too many man out there to go through with something like this.

Saturn74 · 26/07/2007 01:39

DON'T DO IT!

Leati · 26/07/2007 01:53

I think there are plenty of donors, I wouldn't risk a friendship or the strain that it can put on the rest of your family.

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GryffindorGHOSTY · 26/07/2007 03:47

I find it seriously weird that your husband even suggested it.

Don't do it.

Budababe · 26/07/2007 04:32

Too close. Too many problems down the line. Too hard to explain to your children and the potential child. It WILL affect your friendship.

Sperm donor def best option.

Elizaveta · 26/07/2007 13:34

Definitely don't do it. I have a dd with my ex-dp and I considered having another child last year on my own. Ex-dp did offer to be the donor but I refused even though we have a good relationship. It's not that difficult to get your hands on sperm. She needs to go to a local hospital and discuss using donated sperm and they will point her in the right direction.

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