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Any mums have a child who doesnt live with them?

(100 Posts)
allgonebellyup Wed 25-Jul-07 20:47:24

my ex dh is desperate to have our son live with him, we split 3 months ago and he has found someone new.
i am honestly thinking of letting ds live with his dad as they seem miserable apart from each other, ds is 3. i will still have dd with me.

BitingGold Wed 25-Jul-07 20:49:41

How old is dd? Will not ds miss dd and you if he lives with ex dh, and what about you and dd, will you not miss ds terribly?

sleepycat Wed 25-Jul-07 20:49:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brightwell Wed 25-Jul-07 20:50:56

A friend of mine has this arrangement, I know it was a really hard decision for her to make. But 10 months on it seems to be working. She lives a distance away from her ex, she only gets to see her dd one weekend a month, her ds goes to ex once a month, so siblings see each other twice a month.

Twiglett Wed 25-Jul-07 20:52:33

I don't think you should separate siblings

HuwEdwards Wed 25-Jul-07 20:53:52

oooh what a hard decision for you - I couldn't possibly advise....good luck with whatever decision you make.

granarybeck Wed 25-Jul-07 20:54:16

Am so sorry that you are in this position. I have no experience but would think you need to be very, very sure before making any kind of decision.

I suppose it is normal that your ds will be fed up with his dad not living with him at first, but could you not make arrangements for lots of contact but still have him live with you? It's still very early days for your ds to adjust to the change. Maybe give it a bit more time to let new contact patterns settle.

Why is you ex desperate to just have your son live with him? Is your dd his? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

lulumama Wed 25-Jul-07 20:56:08

what if after a few months with ex DP , he is miserable without you ? and what about DD? how will she feel, that her dad does not want her?

i have no personal experience but i could foresee this becoming a terrible thing for all concerned

surely DP can have DS over regularly, just the living with him is a huge step...

CarGirl Wed 25-Jul-07 20:57:28

From your ds point of view it could just be that the grass is greener? Can you majorly increase contact - long weekends, see how it goes?

StarryStarryNight Wed 25-Jul-07 20:58:52

I reckon he is going to miss whichever one of you he is NOT living with and possibly be miserable. Sorry you are in that position, must be a horrible decision to make.

granarybeck Wed 25-Jul-07 20:59:09

My friend has recently seperated and has three children. They went to see a mediator. Things hadn't completely broken down but they had been advised it was a productive way to sort things out. The mediator came up with a really good pattern for contact arrangements and six months on the children seem to be settling into it.

I think you need to be careful to take panic action in what must be a very stressful, emotional situation. I know it is easier to jump at the choice that at first appears to make your child happy. But, he is very very young and could see it so differently in a few years time.

luckylady74 Wed 25-Jul-07 21:07:08

the message that this sends to both siblings will last into adulthood, surely shared custody is better - why not the weekends or whatever arrangement that most have? is your guilt over your ds's unhappiness overshadowing the impact this may have on your dd? children change their mind over which parent they get on with all the time. this is a time of turmoil for you all - please don't make any big decisions so soon

CarGirl Wed 25-Jul-07 21:08:27

Just thinking through perhaps your ds is just miserable because his family has been ripped apart and it is projected onto him missing his Dad etc?

Hulababy Wed 25-Jul-07 21:10:23

I think your DS would end up being miserable away from you and his sister too. I don't think there is an easy solution for DS. But with time his living arrangement will become easier.

Not sure seperating siblings would be a good idea TBH though, esp when everything else is changing.

Also you say exH has found someone new. Are you happy for that other woman to be the constant female in your DS's life and not you? I know I wouldn't be.

nutcracker Wed 25-Jul-07 21:23:15

I couldn't seperate my kids from each other, they'd hate it.

My parents divorced when I was 11, and me and my elder brother decided we wanted to live with my dad.
My younger brother was 9, and his desicion was to live with whom ever me and his brother chose.
The family mediation officer told him that he should make his own decision and his reply was 'they are my brother and sister, where they go, i will go, my mum and dad are old enough to sort themselves out, but they are my brother and sister', and he was genuinly shocked that someone would suggest he not live with us.

ivykaty44 Wed 25-Jul-07 21:24:48

I have friends that all have different arrangments, one set have one sibling each living with them, it didn't start of this way but has ended up this way over time.

Another friend has his children thur, frid, sat, sun, mon,
then his ex has them tues, wed, thur, fri, sat, sun, mon, tus, wed,
then back to him thurs, frid, sat, sun, mon,
So he has his children 10 nights a month as he says he wants to be as much involved in his childrens lives and its like extended weekedns every other. It also means he does the mundane things like school run, doctors, dentist and doesn't just do the "nice" daddy weekends with them.

You have to work out what is right for your children and your cicumstances - everyone is different.

Get a good routine going and make sure the children and you are happy.

allgonebellyup Thu 26-Jul-07 11:36:12

my dh is not my dd's father, only ds's father.
so dd is nothing to do with him now we are split.

MamaG Thu 26-Jul-07 11:40:00

allgone, I think you need to think very carefully about this. Your DS is very young and would no doubt miss you terribly. Im a lawyer doing family work and NCH Mediation, who I work closely with, NEVER advises splitting up siblings, especially young siblings.

Have you considered having some help, to help your DS come to terms with missing his Dad? Could you possibly let him see his Dad more often, but keep your family unit together?

allgonebellyup Thu 26-Jul-07 11:40:28

dh already sees ds every weekend from fri-sun night, plus once in the week but its still not enough for him and he wants total parental responsibility.

i dont know what i want. if he does have ds then me and dd will have to sell our house (that dh pays for) and rent a flat on housing benefit. i will also miss my son a hell of a lot.

my dd and ds fight a lot, and dd is always saying she wants ds to live with his dad.

MamaG Thu 26-Jul-07 11:44:21

allgone - my gut instinct is to say don't do it. Have you had any counselling? Do you think it would help? I don't mean to sound lentil weavy but splitting up with somebody is a hell of a thing to go through.

Your ex has lots of contact with your DS, your DS just needs more time, at his young age, to get used to the new arrangements.

For what its worth, my DD is almost 8 and she often says "oh why can't DS go live with Granny" (he's 3) so I do think that is normal sibling behaviour!

Do you have any close RL friends who could discuss it with you?

allgonebellyup Thu 26-Jul-07 11:45:14

Hulababy, ds already sees this other woman every single weekend and i am not allowed to know anything about her, let alone meet her.

i have to listen to ds going on and on about how wonderful she is, and i dont even have a clue what she is like. dh has known her for years, so he thinks that makes it ok for me to never meet her.
i dont want to be one of these women who stops the dad seeing their child so i let them keep seeing each other.
Sometimes i am so miserable i wish i was dead.

MamaG Thu 26-Jul-07 11:45:24

how old is your DD? even though your ex is not her Dad, she might be struggling to come to terms with it too?

allgonebellyup Thu 26-Jul-07 11:48:44

she is nearly 8, yes she feels quite rejected by him ,he brought her up as his own and used to be amazing with her. Now we have split he is only bothered about seeing ds.

i feel so sorry for her and so protective of her, this is the 2nd split she has had to go through. (1st was her real dad when she was 2)

MamaG Thu 26-Jul-07 11:50:37

So they're a similar age to mine.

allgone, you have identified that she's finding it difficult, thats great - do you think having achat with your GP would help? Maybe he could put you in touch with someone DD could chat to? If you let DS live with ex though, won't that make her feel even more rejected by him?

I really, truly think you need a bit of extra help to get through this. Would you consider it?

Pruners Thu 26-Jul-07 11:54:57

Message withdrawn

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