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How to work through this mess?(4 Posts)
Ex is a narcissist.
We have an 8 yo dd
Split up 5 years
He sees her regularly but as he has ‘a very important job’ he gets most of the weekends and I do all the parenting during the week.
I’ve tried to get him to change the arrangement so that I can have more weekends with her - and he can step up commitments during the week enabling to rebuild my career - but he just says he wants to go 50/50 shared care which dd says she doesn’t want and I don’t think will benefit her.
She says she hates all the to-ing and fro-ing but wants to see us both.
She is now in a fairly fragile emotional state, suffering with anxiety and putting on a baby voice most of the time. Tried play therapy but then ex refused to pay for it (out of his 6 figure salary) (i earn £17k)) so that had to stop, now she is in a downward spiral of anxiety about not wanting to grow up and getting into an almost hysterical state at bedtime, he says I’m exaggerating everything and won’t listen to me when I say I think she needs more professional help. Now he has taken her away for a week during half term which is great - but he won’t answer my texts or phone calls - just switches his phone off so I can’t speak to her.
Genuinely feel like everything is in a mess and is all too much and I don’t know which way to turn.
Can anyone suggest anything?
My ex is a narcissist. There comes a point where it is important to realise that he will always favour himself and asking him to change will not work. I would suggest:
1) You need to move your focus onto you, what you can change and achieve.
2) Stop wasting energy being disappointed and trying to explain things to hime, he will never care unless directly affects him.
3) Accept what he does in his time with DD is up to him unless proven harm - in which case seek professional help (school/SS)
4) Check you're getting everything you are entitled to, WFTC and is he paying you maintenance through CSA as he has high earnings? (You could pay for afterschool club to work?)
This must be so very distressing for you and your dd.
Have you approached school for some support and look at local charities for counselling for your dd.
As already said he is behaving like this because he knows it bothers you. It isn't good parenting. And your dd will eventually vote with her feet. So let him crack on. Focus on what you can control. Providing a secure and safe place for your dd. Encourage her to talk about her feeling and take control of what she can. Can she have an I pod she can message you on?
Try not to give him any reaction. I discount my ex in every way. He is not
Involved in anything day to day. And what happens on his time is not my concern. My eldest lasted six months and went no contact for six months. He is very slowly picking things up again now. But it is only a matter of time before his dad screws it up again.
Thanks ladies - yes you are completely right in what you say. In terms of changing my focus on to me, but what can I change and achieve when he dictates the arrangements. I’d love to be able to have an influence but he never accepts or listens to anything I say and says that because he’s on the birth certificate I don’t have any more rights than him.
Yep he pays the minimum legal amount required by cms and I get wtc so that is good. Unfortunately there are no after school clubs that run later than 4pm and they don’t operate every week, the school deny she is having any problems as they only focus on academics and she is meeting their ARE.
Sorry to hear that you have such people in your lives to deal with too! Thanks for the advice xx
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