Talk

Advanced search

This is a moment that being a lone parent is tough

(26 Posts)
disneyspendingmoney Fri 24-May-19 08:32:07

Today dd2 is pretty I'll.

It's Friday before a bank holiday,

I've got a lot of tricky stuff that needs sorting at work, where I have to be in the office.

and no one at all to help out.

The optics on this are poor

This is the moment being a lone parent is super shitty.

Work can wait, school can just add it to a list of absences. Dd2 will get better and I'll get over it. I was hoping dd2 would get better overnight. It could be worse though. And its the art of juggling shit

What are the moments that lone parenting gets to you?

OP’s posts: |
Grumpymug Fri 24-May-19 09:02:21

I'm sorry your DD is poorly, it sucks doesn't it, being in that position. I get it.
My most recent one was deciding to leave my DD at the school she's in, when they'd just had an appalling Ofsted and were seriously failing in just about anything. It was the end of year 9, and the time to move if it was going to happen. After discussing with her and then seeing/hearing the action plans for the school, she stayed. It was a bad decision because the school have just been shunted off to yet another company, and she's now at the end of year 10, and it's too late to do anything. By the time she has settled into a new school, caught up in the subjects she's woefully behind in, she'll not stand much more of a chance with her GCSEs than she will have staying. I feel so shit because that final decision was on me, for her future, and with no input from anyone else but a 14 year old I had to make the decision. It could have such an effect on her future. I feel so guilty. The upside is that things do finally look like they're changing, and DD has had good feedback from the new administration for their first term. Speaking to someone at the school, they have said that as soon as this yr 11 have done GCSEs, DDs year will get all the resources directed to them - including 1 to 1 tutoring if it's required. They certainly have ploughed a lot into trying to rescue this year's GCSEs and I hope it continues for my DD and it's enough.

disneyspendingmoney Fri 24-May-19 09:18:38

This is something that people who aren't lone parents without family don't get.

The decisions and the consequences are all on us.

A decision about education sets your dds situation for quite some time and nit having someone to bounce it off and evaluate it is tough.

I feel for you

OP’s posts: |
Grumpymug Fri 24-May-19 09:31:47

@disneyspendingmoney

Thing is, I do have family, and DD sees her dad. He "doesn't care either way, he hated school, didn't go tgat much and it did him no harm" um, yes it did
And DM is a bit..... Budget about me, she just shrugged and said it was my decision, and that was it. Until now of course when I've single handedly ruined my daughter's future. She'd have said that no matter what happened tbh, but she never wants involvement in stuff like this - so she can point the finger when it goes wrong. DD will get to uni, even if I have to sell a kidney to get her there!
How's your DD feeling now?

disneyspendingmoney Fri 24-May-19 09:51:31

dds a lot better surprise surprise she's enjoying sending texts though my phone linked to a laptop to her dsis who is on a school trip.
@Grumpymug your doing the right thing, it's doubly tough when your ex and DM are being unnecessarily negative and not seeing the value if what your trying to do. You'll have a clear conscience that you endevoured to do the right thing. All they will be is bystanders in your dds life, which is their problem not yours and will have a future effect. There are also showing that by nit participating they are forgoing any rights to say anything about it (betcha it won't stop them though)

You'll get through it, DD will get to uni and realise that support and nurture are the critical foundations for success

OP’s posts: |
SisyphusDad Fri 24-May-19 10:42:02

The worst in the moment is when I'm feeling ill and depressed and have to carry on with all the minutiae of day-to-day parenting regardless.

More generally, being 100% responsible for everything that happens or needs to happen.

SisyphusDad Fri 24-May-19 10:43:21

P.S., *@Grumpymug*, glad to hear that your DD's school seems at least to be saying the right things. Good luck.

TanMateix Fri 24-May-19 21:54:08

My worse one was having DS rushed to hospital in an ambulance, when we both had a fever, he an asthma attack and I a horrendous migraine. Not being able to eat during the day as I couldn’t leave the ward, feeling in so much pain and sick sitting by the side of his bed and while all the kids around us were being joined by the parent who was at work, the grandparents who were worried etc at the time DS was explaining to the nurse “we” were “divorced” and his dad wouldn’t come to hospital even if they called him.

I have been raising DS singlehandedly for more than 10 years with no family around whatsoever his dad is no longer in the picture which is even more difficult to understand because he was a very involved hands on father. Decisions have been difficult at times and sometimes not the best ones but I am sure that at the time the decisions were taken, with the information I had and the circumstances we were at... they were the best option I could take, so I try not to blame myself for that, life sometimes just take over and you just need to readjust the plans, deal with any damage and carry on.

disneyspendingmoney Sat 25-May-19 00:19:13

TanMateix That's a tough one suddenly being taken to hospital with no one else to do anything for you... that is one of my biggest fears

OP’s posts: |
TanMateix Sat 25-May-19 00:35:30

It is though, but you survive (probably because there is no other option, but you do smile)

Your children will grow into independent, self sufficient, considerate people if you allow them to be full acting members of your team. You are doing your best in the circumstances, and believe me, just when you think you are totally alone, the universe proves you wrong, from the person who offers to hold your baby so you can have your dinner in a flight to the neighbour that rushes over to babysit if you need to be at the hospital, or even the other single mother in school that promises you that if someone happens to you, your kid can be at hers until someone comes to sort things up. The situation may not be ideal but the caring help is almost always there smile

disneyspendingmoney Sat 25-May-19 06:19:27

TanMateix I completely agree there are those moments just as you describe, they're few and far between but it makes you appreciate things all the more. They make you realise you can get through the tough stuff

OP’s posts: |
TheOrigFV45 Sat 25-May-19 07:58:56

For me it's when I'm about to explode with tension and know I need to get out of the house, but can't cos I can't leave DS.

disneyspendingmoney Sat 25-May-19 11:46:36

TheOrigFV45

You mean the daily occurance of everything because there are so many things to be balanced? That get overridden be sure your having to do everything at once.

Yep I know that

OP’s posts: |
ExpatSingleMama Mon 27-May-19 21:26:15

For me it's the times when I've been ill and on my own looking after my DS. He started nursery last November and we were both constantly ill over the winter. I could cope with him being out of sorts when I was 100%, but being really ill and on my own looking after him was really tough. I love far away from my family and his father is not involved. That and I think just the daily weight of being 100% responsible for everything, the sheer mental labour of it.

TheOrigFV45 Tue 28-May-19 07:14:12

When parents with 1/2 term off casually msg to ask if DS2 free whatever day as they're going to cinema/whatever, and DS can't join as I've had to make my 1/2 term childcare plans weeks ago so I can work.
That hurts a bit, especially when it's close friends.

MissB83 Tue 28-May-19 09:56:57

I just feel the pressure of doing everything myself and am always exhausted... that's hard. I feel like I'm trying my best to be a good mum to DS but he's an energetic toddler and sometimes I just want to lie down where we are and go to sleep! It's that feeling that you can't just hand them off to another parent to go and rest/do your own thing for a while. Need to build up my mum stamina!

disneyspendingmoney Tue 28-May-19 10:44:22

It's been a tiring long weekend, trying to do everything and not doing anything I wanted to do. And there where a couple of occasions I got annoyed at my twos dicking about especially over cake and laptops and Xbox.

Then getting into work this morning and having three different blokes whine about their partners and kids over the weekend and how much they had to do for them. Like light the BBQ, accompany them on a trip or pick their kids up from somewhere.

My highlight was getting to watch a TV show while the dds slept in.

OP’s posts: |
BesselVanDerKolk Tue 28-May-19 10:56:03

Tonsillitis starting up as we left for camping this weekend. Setting the whole shebang up while feeling worse and worse. Two days of DS being bored and me attempting to rest while also having to cook, wash up, build the fire etc. Having to take the whole thing down again and pack the car and drive 2 hours home while feeling dreadful. Hellish 😫

TanMateix Tue 28-May-19 15:19:54

My highlight was getting to watch a TV show while the dds slept in.

Totally get that, at some point DS was in a club that lasted 2.5 hrs twice a week. It was the closest to baby sitting I had in YEARS. I tried to catch up with house chores or meet with friend for a coffee on Tuesdays, Friday was blocked completely as my “Me” day. You may imagine I was heading to the spa, do some shopping, or even get my nails done or go to the hardressers, but no... it was simply to allow myself to close the door, do nothing that needed doing, have a big breath and turn on the TV for an hour or two.

It felt strangely indulgent...

nevernotstruggling Tue 28-May-19 15:27:24

I completely sympathise with the op and how that all pans out for me depends on my manager. Usually they are very understanding but I had one who wanted the impossible and when my drain was spewing sewage all over my garden she didn't believe me. Bitch.

Otherwise the biggest issue I have with lone parenting is my exh. Everything else is just tasks but he obstructs so much and takes so Mych from my dds sad

nevernotstruggling Tue 28-May-19 15:32:42

@TanMateix both dds will be in the same club for 90 minutes in November and I am
Counting the days!!

disneyspendingmoney Tue 28-May-19 17:09:30

nevernotstruggling

I get that about exs in the last 10 days mine has tried to block
A school trip abroad
A passport
A change in schools due to bullying
And has threatened to report me to child services for bad parenting (they did fuck all about ex's dangerous parenting except put the dcs on the at risk register - I lie they did agree for the police to remove my ex).

In general,
No payment of maintainance
Keeps child benefit and won't release it or change it (I've written to HMRC about this)
Is a needy whiney tool about contact
Lies to people (ILs Family, friends and co workers) how this all came about
Ignored court orders

But I've got too much on my plate to let that get to me.

BTW the tricky stuff I had to do at work got done first thing this morning and no one noticed.

And TanMateix that hour and a half at 8 in the morning to watch Billions on Sky, with a coffee and quiet was bliss.

OP’s posts: |
nevernotstruggling Tue 28-May-19 19:11:59

@disneyspendingmoney yep to all that!!! Grrr

disneyspendingmoney Tue 28-May-19 20:43:30

nevernotstruggling

I don't get the pointless vindictive stupidity of it, especially as it's said to the dds.

For example, Dd1 is being pretty badly bullied at school, the pastoral head has difficulties dealing with a male lone parent. Dd1 did the research herself of the local schools, spoke to friends who were at these schools researched uniform and costed it, researched travel plans and spoke to kids who are travelling from our location to the school she's decided on.

There are only (fucking only) 27 kids in year 8 compared to the 150 at her current school and one place going, we've done the interview, sent the form's, now we're waiting.

It's not what I want because it's going to be a lot of extra work and will be getting up an hour earlier. She's fucking committed.

I said don't say anything to anyone about it until it's a done deal and I've signed on the dotted line.

Dd2 tells ex, who goes absolutely ballistic, and tells dd1 she won't allow it. seriously the wrong person to say it to.

It doesn't harm me, but it's hurt dd1 immensely. It like a text book example of how to be an NRP in the most toxic manner possible.

The aftermath of contact is me buying cake, ice-cream or something equally sweet and tooth rotting and saying, " I'm sorry that was said". I can't see any way forward and my attitude becomes more entrenched (That's a sound bite to be used by the supporters of delinquent NRPs) weekly, that although this is tough, it's the right thing to do by the dds.

OP’s posts: |
Pipandmum Tue 28-May-19 20:53:54

I’m a widow, my parents are deceased and my sisters live in another country.
My kids are teens now but I’ve been the sole parents since they were 4 and 6. I think it’s the fact the buck stops with me. I am responsible for it all. At the moment my 15 year old boy has his first girlfriend and though we have an open and frank relationship I think his dad would deal with this and other issues (drinking etc) better.
I have to be the good and bad cop. And there’s no one to turn to when I’ve had a bad day/had an argument with one of them/totally feel out of my depth.
But you get up each day and try and put the crap behind you and carry on. After all there’s no one else to do it!

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in