Really worried about 50/50

[motheroreily]

Hello. I left my husband 4 years ago. Our child lives with me and stays with him 2 weekends out of 3.

He works eratic hours but has a new partner and wants 50/50 residency.

We went to mediation and im so angry with myself because i agreed as I felt worn down. He kept telling me this is what our child wants. And i have no real reason to disagree other than i think it will be disruptive. I gave up in the mediation and was apathetic. As he wasn't listening to my point. I also have changed my work hours so i can collect our child from school on 3 days but he discounted that. He wants 7 days rotating.

He was controlling and emotionally abusive towards me in our relationship. But I feel it's ok for him to see her as much as he does so why not 50/50.

But I'm panicking. He used to tell me he'd turn her against me. Although that was before we split up. But now i think he's got 50/50 he might do it.

I'm really angry with myself. I was trying to think what's best for our child not me. But i don't know if it's for the best or if it's just my fear making me feel it's a bad idea.

We agreed a 50/50 trial but can i say at the end no. Sorry for the long rant.

[Easterbunnyhashoppedoff]

How old is dc? How would ex facilitate school runs etc?

[motheroreily]

They're 7. His new partner would drop them off and pick them up from wrap around care

[Beachbodynowayready]

I doubt a new dp would be chosen over a dm by a judge for added contact when the current arrangement is working for your dc. If the old arrangement involved child care requirements maybe that would be different, but requesting extra contact that he won't actually be having is stupid.
He is stupid not you obvs!

[ANiceLuxury]

I would be worried about what would happen when his new partner gets fed up of being used as an unpaid childminder by her boyf.

Will he then decide 50/50 is not working for him and then its more disruption for the kids?

[Starlight456]

Just to be clear mediation is not legally binding. I would object on the basis this isn’t increasing contact time with his dc.

[OliviaCat]

Is he currently paying you child support?

None would be payable under 50:50. Is this his agenda?

[iAteAllThePies86]

If this is a relatively new relationship I can't see why his new partner would agree to do all of this childcare or why it benefits him or your child to do so? Surely the point of 50:50 is to increase his time with the child but he is getting someone else to do the lions share of it. My understanding is that a request for 50:50 needs to highlight how it's in the best interests of the child and this doesn't really sound like it is? What happens if the relationship doesn't work out? He'll be stuck.

Mediation isn't binding as pp said so don't feel like you can't change your mind if you're not happy with it. I have never liked the idea of 50:50 and I would like it even less if it was my ex's partner doing the majority of the childcare.

[Darlingheart]

I'm not judging at all whatsoever because my ex partner tried for this! I absolutely under no circumstances whatsoever would allow his new partner to pick MY child up from school. Especially as I was available to do so! But that's just my situation. My ex also made it clear he would no longer have to pay maintenance if it goes 50/50, he works full time and I run my own business so I am more flexible around both our sons, to me this was NOT a valid reason to have the children 50/50...

If I were you I'd contact mediation and tell them you've changed your mind and don't believe it's within the best interest of your child to spend 50/50 especially as his new partner will be doing school runs.

I have nothing against my ex's new partner, I just don't feel comfortable myself for her to do the school run, I wouldn't even ask my new partner to do it. But that's just me x

[motheroreily]

Thank you so much for your replies sorry i didn't check the thread until today.

Yes it's a newish relationship. I think about 18 months. They don't live together at the moment.

He does pay maintenance but if we did go 50/50 he'd have to pay childcare so he wouldn't save much money maybe £50 a month at most.

Our child would like to see their dad more (currently he sees them 2 weekends in 3). And that is his main reason for his request.

I feel so weak for not standing up for myself. Part of my reasoning was i think one or two nights in the week and every other weekend would be good. But he'd say if one night is ok why not two or three of four or five.

I tried saying what if he split with his partner but he said they wouldnt.

I'm so stressed and overwhelmed.

[Jaimemai]

50/50 is natural. Why should you have the child more? Both parents have equal rights. Why were you stopping your child from seeing her father?

[kbPOW]

50/50 is natural.
Nonsense. It's not supposed to be about 'equal rights'. It's supposed to be about what's in the child's best interests.

[motheroreily]

I'm not stopping the father from seeing them. I'm just feeling anxious because he told me hed turn her against me and that's stuck in my mind. And it will be his partner not him doing the childcare

[PicsInRed]

Lemme guess, he pays child support and he wouldn't if his free, live in nanny girlfriend takes care of them?

Funny how some Dads become so interested when they have someone else to do the work for them. I would be very concerned that he would reverse the increased residency if the relationship doesn't work out, especially as his hours arent consistent with childcare. That outcome would be very unsettling for such young children. I would approach from that perspective.

[kbPOW]

The good thing about mediation is that it's not binding in any way. My ex put me through £1k of mediation and stuck to nothing we'd agreed. I suggest you just change your mind and ignore the grabby fucker. He's told ou he intends to cause psychological harm to your DD by turning her against you.

[Mum56347]

Why is it that when dad wants 50-50 some people think it's because he doesn't want to pay child support? He's going to pay childcare anyway. Why should he have to pay child support?

I like 50-50 because then both parents get to be involved. You can't really be a parent if you only see your child EOW.

[motheroreily]

Sorry for the slow reply. I've been so confused. I'm trying to remember it's not about me but what's best for our child. But I'm not sure what to do.

He won't let me meet his new partner and she is the one who will do drop off and pick up at childcare.

The way he talks to me hasn't improved. For example called me absolutely vile (because i haven't been putting money into her isa regularly and he has and he's angry because I'm the registered contact on the isa) and said he'd apply for full custody because I said I wouldn't take her to the doctor because she didn't need to go (she was constipated and I'd got advice from the pharmacist but he told me i had to go to the doctor). I don't believe he will for full custody and what he says is him just ranting at me to get a reaction (which I never do I completely ignore it). But it's getting me down and i worry what will happen when it is 50/50. Things like the doctor i could have taken her to appease him but I'd had advice from a pharmacist who'd given me medicine and said it wasn't necessary to see a doctor unless it didn't improve.

I thought he'd be better towards me once he got the 50/50 agreement amd he has tonsome extent but when things don't go his way he reverts to this ranting way.

But i do want to do the right thing and not look for a reason to change mind. Ahhhhh

[AuntMarch]

There is absolutely no way I'd be agreeing to a woman I had never met looking after my child!

[Mum56347]

A lot of men have to agree to let other men look after their children, AuntMarch. Do you always introduce your new man to your ex?

[Kennyy]

OliviaCat: " Is he currently paying you child support? None would be payable under 50:50. Is this his agenda? "


This is such a typical comment. If a man wants to spend more time with his kids it must be because he doesn't want to pay child support. But he's going to pay childcare so what's the point of paying child support? I don't get it. Do you think all men should pay child support? Would you say this to a woman?

[AuroraBojangles]

If the father is willing and capable and it's what the child desires, then surely it's best to allow 50/50?

I'm not saying this is you OP, as you seem to have suggested 2 nights in the week plus every other weekend (I assume you mean 3 nights at weekends) would be a fair and even split...I absolutely agree with this. I dont think week on week off is a great solution, although it may work better for others....But, a lot of mothers seem to act like it is solely their child, and the dad just plays a bit part role, without considering that if it is both in the child's interest, and if it's what the child wants, then it's only right to agree on 50/50.

The line "Our child would like to see their dad more" says it all for me.

Each situation is different and it's sometimes not that simple. Good luck.

[Luzina]

My ex and i do this:

Monday and Tuesday nights DCs with ex
Wednesday and Thursday nights DCs with me
Fri night to Monday morning we alternate.

It doesn't have to be alternate weeks for 50/50 to work.

Obviously you have other issues that concern you as well but if you are willing to consider 50/50 maybe there's a way of doing it that might suit you better.

Regardless, go and see your solicitor and get reliable legal advice before you do anything else.

[Mum56347]

Luzina, does your ex pay maintenance?

[Luzina]

No, no maintenance is paid. In fact we used to claim child benefit and 5ax credits for 1 child each, but when i moved in with my DH i transferred the child benefit back to her (he is a higher rate tax payer so claiming child benefit is pointless). If we buy school uniform, pay for school trips, music lessons etc we pay half each. We get on well which makes it easier.

[Kennyy]

There's no need to pay maintenance when there's 50/50 residency.