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What do you do at Christmas

(17 Posts)
msatlantis Sun 07-Apr-19 17:08:03

My ex and I are putting together a parenting plan. We both have a solicitor. DS will be 3 in May.

DS has lived with me from birth, has been increasing time with ex gradually. By June we will be doing alternate weekends.

Ex looking to alternate Christmas. From Christmas Eve until 5pm on 27th. Thought of not seeing DS from Christmas Eve until 27th is unbearable.

I am also expecting a baby with my DH in October. Do I need to consider the sibling relationship? Ex has no other children.

I may suggest on alternate years I drop DS off at his dad's at 10am Christmas Day - until 27th. That way I would still get to see him briefly in the morning?

We live an hour apart.

What do others do? Looking for alternatives that may work.
Thank you

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Sun 07-Apr-19 17:23:04

Alternative Christmas and NY - court ordered.

My memory - my OH picked the kids up Sun 23rd Dec and dropped them back Fri 28th.

It’s not about you ‘not seeing them is unbearable’ it’s what best for the child. I’m sure dad feels the same.

Manchestergal87 Sun 07-Apr-19 18:15:05

Is there any way of doing alternate years Christmas Day and Boxing Day? So if you had Christmas Day one year you would have Boxing Day the following year?

morewashingtodooo Sun 07-Apr-19 18:25:59

You need to be realistic. Your dc has lived with you from birth, well that's not unusual for a mother to have her dc live with her and because you have another dc coming? And he doesn't well when he does will things change.
Your points are based on you not the dc. Christmas Eve ans Christmas Day is one packet, otherwise it's not fair to the dc, then the other parent has Boxing Day and new year or so.
You should give your ex this first Christmas, because next year would be your other dc first real Christmas and one that will matter. The older your dc gets they may ask not to change each year.

eve34 Sun 07-Apr-19 19:51:49

It is the reality of separating. And very difficult. But as already said it is what is best for the children.
Are you both local? Can you swap over after lunch so that you both get part of the day
It is of course better if you can be amicable. Unfortunately wasn't so for me. I offered the kids to ex 2pm Christmas Day through to 31st. He opted for 26th/27th. Only.

But good you get this agreed now and birthdays. So there is no misunderstanding moving forward.

As he only has one child for 24 hours twice a month I feel very strongly that they both wake with me Christmas Day. I do all the parenting. School stuff. Ferrying then around and paying for activities. So don't see why I should miss out one the high light of the year.

Phillipa12 Sun 07-Apr-19 20:30:10

I have 3 dc amd there dad sees them eow and a couple of extra weeks in holiday time, all contact time agreed amicably between us. We alternate xmas and new year, this year ex has them from the 23rd-27th and i have new year, i hate it as i do the majority of parenting but such is life. I have put my foot down on birthdays though, so if they do fall on his weekend the dc stay with me and ex can visit them either the day before or after, my reasoning is that normally they would have their party on their birthday if it was a weekend (ex lives 150 miles away) and obviously i gave birth to them and do all the actual parenting so he can fuck off if he thinks im going to hand them over on that day. Ex is actually understanding on this thankfully.

poppingoff Sun 07-Apr-19 20:49:24

Sounds to me like your ex takes his relationship with his ex seriously and wants to be very involved.

You having him every Christmas Eve/Christmas morning just isn't fair. Your son and your ex deserves to have that time and those memories together as much as you do.

My dc is older now and I have told my ex in previous years that I I wouldn't mind him staying there Xmas Eve. He very kindly declined, saying DS should be with me Xmas morning, but I would never grudge him the opportunity for my own sake.

The sooner you get into a routine, the better.

We have 50/50, but change that routine for Christmas. The kids spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one of us, then go to the other for Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day. We alternate who has each of those each year.

As others have said, this isn't about how you feel. Mums really need to start understanding that Dads love their kids too. And stop all this stuff about "I couldn't bear to be apart from them" as if you're the only parent who misses them.

strawberrylollipop Sun 07-Apr-19 22:25:29

I always have Christmas Eve until 1pm Christmas Day

My ex has Christmas Day at 1pm until 5pm on Boxing Day

Our judge said Christmas is only 3 days long - so to split it evenly - giving me the choice of which I wanted as the primary parent to dd. We've had this in place since she was 3

Doyoumind Sun 07-Apr-19 22:30:46

I think it's best to do a split so you share Christmas Day or one has Christmas Day and the other has Boxing Day and it alternates each year. That way the child gets to spend time with both parents over Christmas. 24th-27th means the child misses out on the chance to celebrate Christmas at all with one parent each year. IME the court doesn't support that.

Betty777 Sun 07-Apr-19 22:50:46

we alternate each year, that way STBXH has DS at same time as his older DS (from first relationship) I let him have him from 23rd - 26th. NY tends to be negotiated based on our various plans/ holiday allowances

I think if you are doing Christmas it surely would only add to the pain if they have to leave half way through the day? But this of course doesnt' apply if you think the DC would be miserable without you and/or there's literally no other extended family around

Seniorschoolmum Mon 08-Apr-19 03:43:01

One thing to consider for New Year is how drunk people will be. My ex has ds from 9am Boxing Day to lunchtime NYE. But never over new year because ex drinks to excess and NYE the house could burn down & he wouldn’t notice. Plus I don’t want ds seeing his dad in that state.

SleepingSloth Mon 08-Apr-19 04:18:28

A friend of mine alternates with ex, one has the children xmas morning and then the other has them from lunchtime xmas day til evening of Boxing Day. They live near each other and the kids wanted to see them both on Xmas day. It seems to work, the kids are happy. It's not easy though.

CheekyChops666 Mon 08-Apr-19 05:19:32

Our SD isn't "allowed" to see us on Christmas Day at all because apparently she'd be upset at not spending Christmas with her mummy.

Napssavelives Mon 08-Apr-19 05:37:40

It’s a tricky one. I was going to suggest the I had kids Xmas eve Xmas day then he had them Boxing Day 27th. This year it’s tricky as baby due june and it doesn’t feel right to split up my kids and baby won’t be having unsupervised contact with his dad until much older. I guess I also feel that he bloody choose this so he can live with his decisions. (messy separation, turns out he’s been living a lie, tried for a baby he didn’t want then walked out and pulled me apart when j was 17 weeks pregnant. I was all up for trying to make things work where he was bloody horrible to me)

MaverickSnoopy Mon 08-Apr-19 06:21:29

I'm not in this boat so take what I say with a pinch of salt. I have friends who are separated and they alternate days each year, rather than year 1 mum does the whole period and year 2 dad does the whole period. I also remember thinking about this as a child as some of my friends parents were separated and I decided that if my parents split up I'd want to see them both over Christmas, but perhaps that's because I was an older child and could look back on previous years. A 3 year old would surely just accept their reality.

I think though that if you can have a balance then everyone benefits. You're having another baby and one day they'll want to see each other over the Christmas period. Ditto if your ex has another child. Personally I'd be inclined to suggest Christmas eve and half of Christmas day one year and half of Christmas day and boxing day the following year.

msatlantis Mon 08-Apr-19 08:17:41

Thanks for your responses. A few other options to think about.
Ex only saw DS a handful of times until he was 1 (his choice). It's only recently he's stepped up a bit. I have done and for the foreseeable will do all the graft. So I do feel a bit resentful that he gets to cherry pick the special times.
That's said, I do need to put DS first. It is difficult.

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