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Help my child wants to live at his fathers - they hate me so much - I tears :-(

(21 Posts)
Kidaround Sun 17-Mar-19 15:20:46

Help my child decided he wants to go live with his father - I feel a failure :-( Good afternoon I’m sat here in tears. My child wants to live at their fathers house.

I feel a complete failure I would not mind if their father actually did anything they don’t and often see the child as a failure.
My child is 10 and highly functioning autistic. They are lying and making things up that simply are not true it’s awful. My mother who hardly see and my ex have nessed their head up and yesterday heard things only adults would know about. I’m totally disgraced at them. At first I thought about just keeping him with me for a while and taking control but there is no way he’s having that. He hit me yesterday after having a nice lunch out.

Today I received a text that his father is coming to get his bed.

Oh my I’ve lost my beautiful innocent little boy it hurts so much how am I going to get through this. ?

I do lots with him one to one , have fun, holidays etc

Any advise please. I have an older son too that’s thriving at college and heading for university.

OP’s posts: |
JeezOhGeeWhizz Sun 17-Mar-19 15:23:45

Leave him go. Sorry. He may soon realise that the grass is not greener elsewhere. Hitting you isn't on either.

HollowTalk Sun 17-Mar-19 15:25:05

What sort of things is your son hearing? Are they talking inappropriately?

Birdie6 Sun 17-Mar-19 15:27:05

I would let him go. At 10 he is trying to assert himself - you can't fight this. I'm sure he'll soon find that life is not better with his father, but he needs to experience that . Best wishes to you - I know how hard this is.

Frequency Sun 17-Mar-19 15:30:51

I agree with the above poster let him go. It sounds like the break will do you both you good. He should not be hitting you.

Make sure you have access agreed in advance or suggest 50-50 and make sure he understands if he has custody he does school runs, arranges childcare around his work and all the other mundane day to day things resident parents have to do. If your ex is like mine that will put him right off.

My DD did similar when she was around 7 because her father kept promising her unicorns and glitter if she moved in with him along with constantly berating me to her. Due to her father not wanting to do school pick-ups because it would impact the amount of money he could earn the trial run was set back until the summer holidays. She lasted three days before she rang me asking me to go and get her.

BeanoBrown Sun 17-Mar-19 15:37:00

Unless he is in danger at his fathers I would let him go, but keep up an open relationship with him, while letting him know you won't tolerate being hit or controlled by his behaviour.

eatingtomuch Sun 17-Mar-19 15:37:48

OP did I read correctly your ex is collecting DS bed?

He needs to have a bed at your house so he can come and stay at weekends etc. Your ex should have a bed at is house.

ShesABelter Sun 17-Mar-19 15:39:42

I left my mum's and went to my dad's and my brothers did too. Unfortunately he is also his parent and if that's what he wants then you need to let him go. He may very well find he hates it and wants to come back and have come to appreciate you more and what you do for him.

Kidaround Sun 17-Mar-19 16:04:53

He’s not in danger l, re what they hear it’s about money and what they have paid for him etc things children should be innocent of to be honest.
I’m letting him go he likes it quiet no others but his father has never taken him anywhere other than camping in for one week that I organised.

I took his phone off him yesterday for hitting me ( I have bruises ) and he’s rung the contract people within an hour and reported the phone missing. I e bagged and boxed his things. His father lives less than 5 minutes away but my son hates me so much he says he never wants to see me. We are supposed to be going to Tenerife in a few weeks and New York in May too.
His father will let him eat what he wants and will let him play on video games for an easy life it upsets me as I have done so much for my little boy.
In a sense I feel a weight has been lifted but it does not hurt the pain I feel.

His father booked parents evening a time I can’t attend deliberately and asked him to change it - my so said to the teacher if I turn up he will get rid of me ( jokingly )
It’s his birthday next week :-(

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Kidaround Sun 17-Mar-19 16:11:01

Yes he has a bed at his dads but they are being funny my son told me that he was going come and nail it to the floor so I don’t sell it ! I have a spare room with a futon bed. He’s told me he never wants to come back honestly he hates me that much. Only a few weeks ago we were away in the new Forrest together in holiday he was lovely so why the change I don’t no. They have warped his mind.
I’ve not stopped my mother seeing him and her partner is controlling and tell him the only schoo is the grammar school and pay fir him a tutor each week. He told me I’m going there as I want to do well. That’s fine but I know my boy he hates sport and lots of homework so would be the wrong environment for him. He will see this won’t he as he no longer listens to me.
He can’t take any negativity either he had a singing teacher and he did not practise and he said he never wanted him again. Oh it’s hard it really is. The thing is my grandson is at the same school and I collect him some days. Last week he totally ignored me.
His father fries everything that concerns me he’s quite stocky built already I know children can be cruel so this worries me a little.

OP’s posts: |
kbPOW Sun 17-Mar-19 16:11:07

Don't even think about giving him the bed. Where does DS sleep during contact? Is there a court order? I disagree with other posters. I wouldn't let a 10 year old go somewhere they are being influenced or manipulated. I would tell ex and DS there would need to be a court order. I would also consider involving social care for support if your 10 year old is hitting you and causing injuries.

Kidaround Sun 17-Mar-19 16:17:33

We have a disabled social working involved and he’s witnessed it. He’s very manipulating you know. I’ve ssid to his dad ( does not work ) I’ve agreed to let him go. My initial thoughts was that I keep him here and don’t let him see my mum or his dad for a few weeks as it’s not him speaking but if it’s what he wants I’m letting him.
He was awful yesterday hitting me everything and shouting and crying his father can do no wrong. I think he’s happy doing nothing and going nowhere. He like peace and quiet. I’ve told him I love him in a letter and he’s always welcome here if he changes his mind.

OP’s posts: |
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sun 17-Mar-19 16:22:41

Let him go, but keep the bed, he will come back, or more likely, his dad will bring him back pretty soon as soon as he witness such behaviour.

It is difficult, but resisting your son’s wishes can only make the breach between you two much worse.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sun 17-Mar-19 16:24:09

Don’t even dream of blocking contact with other important people in his life. You will loose the battle before you start it, even if you are trying to protect him.

Kidaround Sun 17-Mar-19 16:29:55

I don’t but this is what had happened I’m really easy going and a professional too working with children.
I guess it’s hard when it’s your own you just don’t this ?

I’m letting him go he knows where I am that I love him him dearly now and always

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Sun 17-Mar-19 19:20:24

How long has he been like this, OP? Did he have a good relationship with both you and his dad previously? Why is he saying he hates you? Is it because you don't let him do whatever he likes?

It might be a good idea to have a break just to get your breath back. I doubt his dad will cope for that long with him.

What's the situation financially? Will your ex benefit if he has your son?

JeezOhGeeWhizz Mon 18-Mar-19 00:59:05

Bet you anything his dad will shunt him back to yours, before the month is out.

Kidaround Mon 18-Mar-19 21:02:42

Well he’s there and his dad getting his bad tomorrow as he bought it ! I’m going to miss my little dude my beautiful little man. I’m lost without him :-(

It’s so hard but have to keep positive

Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Frequency Mon 18-Mar-19 21:21:54

Don't give him the bed unless you can afford to replace it. It doesn't matter who bought it, it is in your house it is your property. Email him and tell him it is not convenient for him to take the bed as you need it for when your son visits. Call the police if he turns up and threatens you.

Did you agree on regular contact?

kbPOW Mon 18-Mar-19 21:32:23

It is your son's bed and he needs it at your house where he will be staying for contact if he is living at his dad's for the time being. Stop letting him do this!

Kidaround Thu 21-Mar-19 11:36:04

He’s took the bed both his father and him demanded it. I’ve not seen him for nearly two weeks. I hate it so much.
If he’s happy then I’m happy. I’ve reassured him I’m always here for him and the door always open should he change his mind.
There hardly anything in the house of his now it’s so sad and the bedroom is empty. I blow him a night kiss when I go to bed as always tuck him in and give him a night time hug and kiss.

I’m upset but ok he was my baby and I’ve lost him. He is high functioning autistic and I think he like it quiet and 1-1 at his dads house.
It’s his birthday next week so I’m
Hoping I can go drop a present and card off before school.
Thanks for the support

OP’s posts: |

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