Should I instigate contact?

[namechange890]

Name change as this could be outing. To cut a very long and convoluted story slightly shorter, ex has not seen DD since he walked out when she was a couple of days old. After that I moved to be closer to family so therefor was quite far away from him. I tried on many occasions to get him to see DD but he's either flat out refused or let me down at the very last minute. Contact has always been sporadic with him. When DD was little he would regularly ask after her and seemed to be taking steps towards wanting to be involved in her life. Then when DD was just about 6 months he started a new relationship and I heard nothing from him for about four months. He then popped up again asking if DD was still ok. I clearly explained that I don't want him popping in and out when it's convenient for him, he agreed but then heard nothing from him for a fair few months. Fast forward to a months ago and I've moved much closer to where he's living. I've communicated with him about upping maintenance to the CMS calculated minimum which he agreed to. DD is now 19 months and I'm conflicted as to whether I should be the one to approach the subject of him seeing her. With regards to communicating about maintenance he didn't ask about her at all even after I offered up some updates, hoping he'd be interested. Some of my family are pushing for me to be the one to approach it but I really don't want to be let down yet again. From my perspective he seems to want to keep it as she's a slightly inconvenient financial strain but apart from that he wants nothing to do with her (even less so with this new relationship). So do I approach it with him or let him be the adult for once and ask me?

[Tavannach]

You leave it. Send a photo at Christmas.
He sounds unreliable and that's not good for your DD.

[eve34]

You can't force him to want to have contact. He clearly doesn't want to and is not interested. I know that is very sad. If he wanted an active role in your dd life he would make the effort. His actions speak volumes.

I would arrange maintenance through the cms. Send him a message saying when he is ready to step up and have a committed role in dd life the door is open. Until then the ball is in his court. And get on with your life.

[namechange890]

@eve34 This is what Im trying to get across to the family members pushing for me to mention it to him, I can't force him to be interested. I'm just disappointed for my DDs sake (not that she knows what she's missing out on) as she deserves a lot better.

[Starlight456]

Ultimately you are right you can’t make him interested .

I think people have bought into the idea the rp( usually mum) should spend their lives trying to make contact work on every level.

He knows how to contact you . So ball is already in his court . Imo dropping in and out of kids lives is more day than not been there at all

[pineapplebryanbrown]

It's tricky, i wonder if it is better for children to have a cup of tea in RPs living room with NRP once a year than absolutely nothing.

The idea of an active parental role isn't realistic here but like a distant great aunt you see and say hello to once in a while. I know someone who did that and said to the child - this is Paul, he is your father but he is not your dad. I don't know whether that's better or worse than just a blank.

[Drum2018]

Why are your family pushing this? Tell them to back off. It's none of their business. I wouldn't contact him ever again unless your child asks to meet him at some point in the future. He knows she exists, he's been a shit dad so far so there's no reason to think that he will change. You would be mad to try to push for anything more than the maintenance he's paying. It's up to him to make the effort, not you.