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Lone parent chat, all lone parents welcome

(20 Posts)
myhamsteratefreddiestarr Fri 08-Mar-19 20:49:20

New thread for single parents, if you have sole responsibility and want to offload, here it is...

OP’s posts: |
myhamsteratefreddiestarr Fri 08-Mar-19 20:53:49

To make it clear, single dads are just as welcome as single mums.

If you have sole responsibility most/all of the time, come here and offload.

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Sat 09-Mar-19 08:01:25

Morning

Slavetominidictator Sat 09-Mar-19 08:25:52

My husband died a month ago and I have a three and a six year old. He'd been ill for years so it's not new to me to be in sole charge. But it feels so much worse now he's gone. Plus both girls are grieving too....

Chucklecheeks1 Sat 09-Mar-19 09:19:20

Im so sorry slave xxxx

myhamsteratefreddiestarr Sat 09-Mar-19 09:53:18

Sorry to hear that slave. XH didn’t die but left with no warning which was very traumatic for DC and me. I had lots of counselling which helped, do you have access to any?

Also, school has been great with DC. They have a programme called Thrive. You could ask your school if it has anything similar to help DD?

It’s hard being in your own with no day to day emotional support. My mum is great but it’s not the same as a partner.

OP’s posts: |
O4FS Sat 09-Mar-19 19:02:00

I’m so sorry Slave 😔

myhamsteratefreddiestarr Sun 10-Mar-19 01:21:59

slave do you have support from friends and family? I hope so. I’ve heard that Cruse are very good with bereaved children, also if you have a local hospice they might have a children’s support group? Hope you’re doing ok

It’s my birthday this week along with 2 other friends, so tonight we went out, 11 of us for a meal. Saves on the cost of three nights out! My mum had DD and also took her shopping to get me a present.

I like eating out and it’s one of the things I miss, being on my own, you never have a nice meal out. Trivial but just one thing.

I ended up coming home early though as I had an IBS attack after eating ☹️

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Sun 10-Mar-19 07:59:08

@myhamsteratefreddiestarr Hope you enjoyed your evening. And your birthday.

I'm having a chilled out weekend with ds. Dd is with her dad. So I treated us to take away curry. Dd isn't keen on curry.

I'm beginning to go stir crazy being on my own though. I think I have forgotten how to be sociable with grown ups. I went to a local mums meet up. And there was only me and one other. I found it hard work.

@Slavetominidictator I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you have support for you and the children

helpmehelpmygirl Sun 10-Mar-19 08:15:54

I’m so sorry Slave flowers

I’m a single mum and have been since my dd was just 4 weeks old. She’s also undergoing assessments for autism. So it’s tough...really tough

myhamsteratefreddiestarr Mon 11-Mar-19 08:25:09

Hi help I had DD assessed after being told by everybody that there was "something wrong with her".... First Cahms referral from the GP was rejected, so then the school did one and also got her to see the Ed Psych. Everybody had kept on telling me that she had ADHD or whatever, because she couldn't remember anything and flitted from one thing to another!

The outcome was that she has low self esteem and problems with memory and concentration.

What level is your DD on, is it mild or more severe? It can be really hard to access help in some areas, so fingers crossed for you.

OP’s posts: |
Brilliantidiot Thu 14-Mar-19 10:16:42

Hello all,
Came in search of this thread to off load, I'm so very sorry for your loss slave flowers.
I've been a single mum basically since the stick turned blue. That was 15 years ago and I've struggled with life and MH problems for a lot of that. I'm having a bit of a run of things going wrong at the moment, and though I think my MH is holding up pretty well, I feel like one more thing and I'll explode.
Everyone seems to want a piece of me and I just can't do it all! I've one DD and she's turning into an amazing person, she's independent and bright, kind caring, and sometimes feels like the only person on my side if that makes sense. She's the only one that sees how thin I stretch myself and she helps, she really does, we're a team but she worries about me, and she shouldn't have to.
I'm knackered, all the time, work 5 nights a week and it's a hard physical job, I feel like I'm failing her by never being around, and when I am it's rushing around trying to get life admin done, housework, and then bam, back at work for 5. But then if I don't work as much it's the single mum on benefits jibes, (a recent thread on here made me realise how much you're hated even if you work and get some help) I still get TC even working 5 nights because the cost of living for both of us exceeds my wages. I feel like I'm failing her working less because then things like days out (if I can manage to arrange enough time!) And school trips, going to the cinema with her friends etc are less with less money.
No maintenance, supposed to have an agreement where he buys her things like uniform and shoes and clothes when she needs them, but every time she does, guess who doesn't have the money? And he takes it out on her if I ask for stuff. I'm fed up with it, but it's not fair on her and one of us has to be a grown up. She loves her dad and his family, I don't know what else to do for her sake but just let it go.
I don't know how to balance it all. I'm working, and trying to keep everything else in order but I just don't have enough hours in the day! Someone is usually on my case for something, extra shifts at work (er....when?!) Dog needed emergency vet treatment a few weeks ago (license to print money!) And the insurance company are just being arseholes, so I've had to pay that and just wait for them to finish losing paperwork, ignoring emails and generally fucking about before I get that back.
Damned wind has buckled my fence so said dog took itself off for a walk while I stood there like some sleep deprived zombie just watching! Tied it up best I can and blocked the holes but now the neighbours are moaning it needs to be fixed today - erm it's not a neighbouring fence and they don't even overlook it - but they walk past (if it does blow down it'll be into the garden not onto the lane anyway) it literally affects no one but me, and it ain't getting fixed today because I need sleep! They don't seem to grasp the fact that working nights means you're awake and active and you need to sleep at some point!
School is a major worry, poor Ofsted report (have another thread about this) and been recording absences incorrectly, so I've been threatened with fines, home visits and court! I'm seriously worried about her education, she tries so hard, the school are letting them down but all they want to do is blame the kids.
And another neighbour twittering about parking - I don't have a car, I hardly ever have visitors, yet somehow every car that parks along the lane is somehow my fault!
I'm supposed to be going away for one night on Sunday, with some friends, it's all paid for, will need around £50 spending money, which I have but I feel so guilty about spending money. It could fix the fence properly, or buy DD something, I want to go, I need a break but I also feel incredibly selfish.
Friend text me this morning, moaning because I haven't been round and she's really struggling and needs her friends. I've resisted the urge to text back fuck off. She knows how life is right now, but no thought I might need a friend. And she owes me money. That I'll never see by the looks of it.
And to top it off I booked the wrong week off work to go to a family wedding. I just found out this morning.

I feel so isolated working so many nights, I work alone and see people for 10/15 minutes at shift change, sometimes there's customers but that's different, even when they're nice they're not there to keep me company, and then obviously am sleeping/doing bits/going back to work for 6 days (5 night shifts cuts into 6 days)
I just feel worn out with it all, I'm tired and I just can't keep up with everything and someone's always has to have a moan about that.
You all sound so together despite circumstances worse than mine! How the hell do you do it? You're all superwoman!

eve34 Thu 14-Mar-19 10:47:46

@Brilliantidiot sorry to hear you are struggling. Please go on your evening away. I'm sure it will do you the world of good. Could you ask your friend for say £20 back. Then you won't feel so guilty.

I do understand. I spend very little on myself. Without child support. Every penny I have covers bills. Food car and anything the kids need. Even when I get child support I'm trying to replace things. Birthdays etc. There is always something.

Nights are a killer. I know it is so very easy for me to say this but can you work days? It would give you a much better work life balance. But I'm sure you already know that.

You are doing an amazing job and your daughter sounds wonderful. So you are clearly doing something right.

Brilliantidiot Thu 14-Mar-19 19:45:15

Thank you for your reply, especially the last paragraph.
I can't earn enough on days, especially in winter, as I can on nights. Hospitality is up and down, but my role is permanent hours, and security of income. Plus because I don't drive, and rely on a rubbish bus service, I'd struggle with finish times.
I feel a bit better after some sleep, but not sure how I'm going to get through tonight! Lots of brew I think!
Friend just makes excuses about the money, I've ignored her, she obviously thinks her issues and life and time are more important than mine, and tbh I'm fed up with putting my shit aside to step up and be a friend. Right now I need one, and no one is there. I'll remember next time.
Getting ready now, and heading out the door again, last one at least, light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you.

eve34 Thu 14-Mar-19 20:42:31

Hope you have a good night. I did shifts many years ago. And the nights were awful. I'm sure you are doing better than you think you are. Enjoy your weekend.

Brilliantidiot Fri 15-Mar-19 18:16:42

@eve34

Thank you, it wasn't too bad as nights go, and I'm off now, going to gather some nice food we have in and me and DD watch some comfort TV and eat some comfort food and relax tonight. until I fall asleep on the sofa 🙄
Hope you have a lovely weekend too.

Chucklecheeks1 Fri 15-Mar-19 19:19:22

Brilliant sorry you're having a rough time at the moment. I echo your feelings. I feel spent and like im failing at everything. Scraping through on the home front and at work. There isnt enough time in the day to do everything and my mental and physical health is taking a hit because my brain never switches off.
Im so tired.

Add a narc exh in the mix and i feel like im winning the single mums are crap bingo.

eve34 Fri 15-Mar-19 22:03:01

@Brilliantidiot glad you are making the most of your evening. I've come up to bring the children to visit ex's parents. He hasn't seen them for nearly a year. And they are such lovely people. It is bittersweet. It is so nice to be here but hurts that we aren't together. And also knowing he has been here with ow/ girlfriend to show off/ meet everyone

But I need to put my big girl pants on for the kids. They miss this side of the family we use to come and visit every school holiday

So I'm enjoying having some company. And hopefully a bit of peace if they take the kids out.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr Sat 16-Mar-19 19:18:20

Hi brilliant thanks for joining us. (I fell off my own thread, thought nobody wanted to chat) grin

I can sympathise over the garden fence. I have lost various bits of it in each of the recent storms and it gets worse with each one. I have a handy man booked to fix it (since before Christmas!) but he is busy still. I just know that certain neighbours walk past and "tut" at the disgrace of it! At the moment half of it is lying on the ground grin.

Superwoman, far from it. I sat and cried yesterday when I couldn't put my new curtains up hmm. I had another go today when my mum popped in, and managed to do it (Couldn't unscrew curtain poles yesterday). The old curtains were 13 years old this year and also shredded by the cat, so I don't think I've been too extravagant grin. £50 from Asda for the new ones!

eve well done on keeping in touch with XIL's. I tried that for a short while, but circumstances made it too awkward, and DC does usually see them with her dad a few times a year.

Hope you all have a good weekend. I have spent half the day at a local community event, where I sang for an hour with the choir. DC has gone to a friends for the night, so I have a rare childfree night and nothing to do with it! So will just enjoy the peace and quiet, and catch up on Netflix or something. (Intrigued by the MM documentary after reading threads on here).

It's now gone 7pm and I just realised that I haven't eaten since 10am, so I am off to get some cheese and biscuits for tea!

OP’s posts: |
Lauraevie Sun 24-Mar-19 22:04:33

Not been entirely in your situation. My ex left the four of us (11,3 & 1) the day after the 3yr olds birthday at Christmas. He's happy with his new younger, richer, successful, child free girlfriend. My children struggled. I struggled. It's good that it's not a huge change to u though if you're use to coping alone. For me, work helped, eating out with my mum-not sure why but really lifted my spirits. I also took the children away. I work full time and am training to be an RN. It was magical to have that 24/7 break with them. Maybe just a weekend off somewhere fun for u all? School is a great place for support. They've helped us out loads. I was left with bills, loans, debts, rent. U name it. I have only just managed to get through it as he doesn't see them or help financially. We've had so much quality time together traditional stuff like reading stories, building a marble run, playing with a train track, watching a million Disney films or going to the park to feed the ducks or a bike ride. It's really taken their minds off it all. It's been 14months now. I miss him everyday but the children are doing well. The school is supportive. The doctor too. They put me in touch with special groups and the two eldest got some extra tlc. They don't even ask about him now. They're amazing. It won't work for everyone but worked for us. Maybe just try simple stuff? I kept it calm and nothing over exciting and then cried my eyes out when they were in bed over a bottle of happy mummy grape juice. Something will work for u all, just try it all until u find that thing. I really wish u all the best for the future. Talk it out to everyone and anyone and something will pop up and eventually it'll start to click into place.

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