This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Should I tell my ex about the baby?(51 Posts)
Hi, new to the forum and still trying to get my head around my situation. Any advice will be appreciated.
I had a miscarriage in November, my relationship with my ex broke down afterwards and he dumped me just before Christmas. I blamed myself and the post mc emotions for the break up but after we split certain things came to light..for example he was cheating on me with an engaged co worker, he had spent hundreds on online cam girl porn, he had saved images of indecent young, anime type girls, he had many online dating profiles..the list goes on but it helped me realise that I wasn’t the problem in the relationship - with that many lies hidden it was doomed from the start.
From then he moved out and I contacted him to arrange collecting his belongings. I wanted a fresh start for 2019. The meeting to collect his things got very heated after he brought half his family with them, I was verbally abused and left threatening messages and they barged their way into the house to take belongings that weren’t his. The meeting ended in me calling the police and filing a report against my ex and his family.
I thought that was the end of everything until I found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant and had been since early December. Amazingly despite all the stress over the new year the baby is doing well and I’m almost at 12 weeks.
I took time to decide what to do and I couldn’t bring myself to have a termination despite the likelihood that I will be raising this baby alone. I’m happy and looking forward to meeting my little one but the only thing stopping me from enjoying this pregnancy is worrying about my ex.
Should I tell him given his abusive nature and questionable online activity? Will my baby be safe with him and his intimidating family? Am I better off saying nothing to protect the baby? If you feel I should tell him, how? We are no longer in contact and the last I heard of him he is getting with his co worker. I don’t want to be told I am just stirring up trouble for him. I just want to do the right thing for my baby.
I wouldn't contact him or put his name on the birth certificate, you could be causing yourself a lifetime of troubles, if you can manage to bring up your baby on your own you will never have to go through what you did again.
It’s a really tricky one. Ultimately ; you’ll have to decide.
it maybe be easier for you to not have him involved but a child growing up not knowing who their dad is not having a father is very difficult. It does affect children.
he was abusive to you but a lot of abusive men aren’t so to their children. There are ways to facilitate contact without you having contact.
If you don’t tell him about the child; it would be hard to get child maintnence. He won’t belive it his child likely and if he does may want contact.
Personally , I would have had a abortion as wouldn’t want a child with an abusive man but I get that’s not something for you
Personally I’d say nothing. His parental rights would come second to the safety of myself and my child. Imo the child will benefit more from a stable home and a mother who isn’t suffering from fear and anxiety. Why introduce a load of stress and custody battles when you don’t need to?
If you tell him, please give him the opportunity to be apart of it. I know he has done horrible things to you but I doubt he would reflect that onto his children.
So either tell him when you have made your decision or don’t. But to tell him via CMS when baby and money is tight is here is out of order.
I’m not suggesting that you would do this, but it does happen, they want the money but don’t want to share the child.
Make your decision on what sort of father you would believe him to be.
I second Nats opinion. I may get shot for suggesting you deny a man of the chance to “prove himself” and be a dad but he’s already proved he’s an arsehole and probably won’t change (people rarely do) his family don’t sound much better, so not much chance of doating grandparents.
I can’t see it ending well if he does decide
To be in the babies life, the novelty will ware off and your baby deserves better than a deadbeat dad.
Raise the baby on your own hun, you’re all your baby needs
Don't ever tell him. Or anyone else. Your life will be a nightmare for the next 18 years.
This is really difficult to call. Morally he has a right to know but he's also an abusive dick who doesn't deserve to. When the baby is older would he/she want to have a relationship with the father and how would they feel about the abuse. It sounds like you are happy about the pregnancy and not phased by the thought of solo parenting. Do you need him to contribute financially?
Morally he has a right to know
Imo OP’s moral responsibility is to her child. To protect the child from an abusive father and his abusive family, from being dragged through the courts for custody, from having an anxious and frightened mother, from being bounced from one home to another, from being exposed to violent scenes and arguments which this family has already demonstrated they’re capable of. OP this is about what’s best for your child, not what “rights” the father has.
The ways I see it you have three choices and raising your child alone probably wouldn't be the hardest.
Have an abortion
Tell him but be tied to him for the rest of your life.
Don't tell him, risk him finding out and using your lie against you in a custody battle.
Posted too soon
I'm sorry you're in this situation, I hope all turns out well.
Don’t tell him.
I wish I hadn’t told my ex. It would have made my pregnancy and DSs early weeks so much nicer. He was a complete cunt throughout and massively contributed to my MH issues.
I'm not sure that you can keep it secret - surely there's a risk that friends or family will eventually see you visibly pregnant, or pushing a pram? You'd never be able to relax.
Don’t tell him. If you do, you will have a lifetime of pain and drama.
Do you live nearby each other? Is he likely to see you with the baby?
I'd tell him. I just imagine he may look you up on social media one day and see a picture or run across you at the shops with a baby in tow. Given how he sounds, I'd probably tell him now and hope he bows out. It's also a possibility that while he's a shit partner, he may be a decent dad.
Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. I know this is such a big decision to make so any input is appreciated.
For context, I’ve moved away from where I lived with my ex, I’m about 40mins drive away, we have no mutual friends and I’m off all social media since the split.
What do YOU think would be best, OP? We can all chip in our twopence worth of opinions, but ultimately it is you who will have to live with the consequences.
What is your assessment of him as a potential reliable, calm, caring parent?
What do you think are the chances of his relatives providing a good family environment for your child as it grows?
What sort of influence do you think they would all be?
How keen are you to spend the next 18 years shuttling your child back and forth for contact visits, perhaps having to hand them over every second weekend?
I think you should just mull it all over and decide what would be best for your child, and yourself.
I am normally all about the rights of the baby to know who it's father is but 100% say nothing. Tell no one who the dad is and I mean no one. Make up a one night stand or your first love who no one knows. Anything but who the father really is. The only person who deserves to know is your child and that can come much much later.
It is a tough one. I.dont want to negate his behaviours towards you ad that was unacceptable.
With the short history youre able to give on this kind of setting its difficult to get a full picture. It could read that he reacted badly to a traumatic event, your MMC and at a time when he should have been supporting you, instead he acted out.
That doesnt necessarily make him a bad person.
The question i would ask myself is:
" If i dont tell him, what will i tell my child? " will they know that you know who their.dad is and chose to not tell him. Can you accept that they may be angry with you for that decision.
Also as you know tour ex and experienced life with him, do you truly believe he could be physically/emotionally cruel to your child? If so.I think that would help to answer the question above.
I could withstand my child being angry with me if i really thought i was.protecting them from harm.
Short answer? No.
Long answer? No way.
Please don’t ever believe, in moments of fear and despair, that the baby will sort him out and he’ll be a stand-up dad. A fool believes that new life will renew a struggling soul. A baby is an enormous responsibility. Your ex sounds like the antithesis of a responsible, caring person. He comes with his dreadful family. They will fight for his baby, his rights, he’ll hassle and antagonise you for years, making your life miserable and stressful, yet he will never HELP rear his child, pull his finger out and be the responsible parent you’ll so need and want. He is not capable of this.
Skip all that malarkey and just trust that you can really do this on your own with the love and support of people who care about you.
He has shown you who he is. Don’t lose sight of this.
What happens if years later he finds out and takes you to court for custody? And they ask you why you kept this from him? Will you lie?
I'd tell him to get money out of him, anyway.
I would tell him. How will you feel faced with your kid in who knows how many years asking about their dad and you having to say that you didn't even tell him he/she was alive? For a child, that would be massive!
I'd tell him to get money out of him, anyway.
Money is NO buffer. Believe me. It increases antagonism between perpetually warring exes and you can bet he won’t pay.
and you can bet he won’t pay
I'm just worried about how this could backfire on the OP in the future if he found out. And what if the child found out? At an immature age of, say 7 or even up to around age 15, they wouldn't be able to comprehend that the OP did it for their safety. It would be a huge thing to find out that your mother stopped you having contact with a father intentionally.
OP, I think it might help not to look too far forward.
He doesn't need to know at all until the baby arrives, does he? So you can decide not to tell him now, and review when your baby has arrived and you're settled.
Please login first.