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Am I delusional? Parenting agreement.

(12 Posts)
Whybelikethat Fri 25-Jan-19 23:56:00

Hi, I could do with some helpful advice. My ex of 3 years convinced me to leave my stable job to become a stay at home dad, before deciding she didn't want to be with me a week after my last day.
Long story short, I ended up homeless whist trying to get a self employed carpentry business off the ground. I feel that she had ulterior motives and purposefully sabotaged my financial security to avoid any contention with custody of our 2 year old.
She is on a high wage, but cooks the books to claim child benefit. She also has a daughter from a previous relationship who shares a room with our daughter.
I suggested that I claim for our daughter so that I can afford to put a roof over her head for the 3 nights a week I have her rather than keeping her in the hostel I'm staying in or as my ex suggests in the back of my van!(not going to happen) however I would still give my ex 58% of the money for the 4 nights a week.
Am I being greedy? Should I limit my contact with my daughter, even though I don't want to in order to work more and get back on my feet. Because all I want is to be able to provide for my daughter, have a good relationship with her and make sure she's okay at her mother's.

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Sat 26-Jan-19 01:05:11

You don;t have your DD the majority of the time so she must get the claim.

You need to get yourself some proper accommodation...move forward in life instead of looking at what she's done to you.

Is your daughter staying in a hostel with you when you have access?

Italiangreyhound Sat 26-Jan-19 01:30:10

Who owns the house you shared or is it rented?

Can you get advice from citizens advice?

Could you look for a live in carpentry job, rare but possible - on an estate etc? Could you return to your old job?

If you paid into the family home make sure your divorce settlement reflects that.

I agree move on but maybe your ex did stich you up. You may be able to get limited legal advice for free from some solicitors.

Good luck. flowers

Whybelikethat Sat 26-Jan-19 03:07:06

, cheers guys. We weren't married. She had the rental contract originally. So I wasn't going to contest that. I'm working but it's still sparadic. It's hard to make a decent wage from 4 days a week especially if I want a house for my daughter. As I will be left with very little to financially support my daughter. My ex has Already started talking about maintenance despite making sure im financially screwed and homeless. I kind of upset my previous employer by leaving with a month's notice to be a stay at home dad as they did have plans for me. Its my own fault for putting my trust in my ex. She is very manipulative and controlling. She figured out my Facebook password after we split and read through all of my messages for months on end until I changed my password again and knew all of my plans and whereabouts. She threatened to stop taking blood thinner klexane risk of death to her and our child whist pregnant when I moved out after I found out that she had been lying to me about multiple things.

OP’s posts: |
Whybelikethat Sat 26-Jan-19 03:16:48

Yes my daughter stays with me in the family hostel, I have my own room there.
Whist homeless I slept in the back of my van.
I saw my little girl as much as I could and spent the little I had on making sure she had good food, my ex expected me to keep our 18 month old at the time in the back of the van with me overnight. Because I refused to do this I got some really horrible messages from her and her friend, because they would need a child minder to go out and get drunk.

I know I need to move on with my life, I just find it difficult to get over how shit someone can be.

OP’s posts: |
theworldistoosmall Sat 26-Jan-19 03:27:05

Any agencies you could join?
When I have gone SE that's what I did so I still had an income especially in the early days when work is sporadic.

ISmellBabies Sat 26-Jan-19 04:18:27

That is really shit of her. You need to separate shit behaviour from what's relevant and helpful going forward though. You can't claim the child benefit as you're not the main carer, and even if you did, 42% of about a tenner a week is not going to get you into different accommodation realistically.

Starlight456 Sat 26-Jan-19 07:07:25

I think focus on what you can do . Ensure your password is changed on everything.

Do look at getting yourself some financial security.

Tbh sounds like the wrong time to be setting up a business.

Focus on what you can change . Apply for jobs in the field you were working

Italiangreyhound Sat 26-Jan-19 11:18:05

In your shoes OP I would go back to my old boss. " I kind of upset my previous employer by leaving with a month's notice to be a stay at home dad as they did have plans for me. "

He may be willing to help and it sounds like it was long ago so he may not be so angry now. Lay your cards on the table, your ex manipulated you and you made a big mistake. You are very sorry and you would really like to be considered for any new work that comes up.

I don't see why you need to only work four days s2 week. Can you not work five and see your daughter at the weekend? She will be st school soon , won't she?

If your ex works full time your dd will need childcare. But as you have learnt, to your detriment, about being the stay at home parent, so some childcare will be needed. I

Re yoir old boss, it's going to make you look a bit foolish but I would say it is worth a shot.

Your ex sounds like a bit of a nightmare bitch. Make getting financially stable a big priority. Why do you need a house, necessarily?

A flat or masisonetre would do fine with two rooms for now.

Tell yo your ex that you need to work to pay maintemance.

Is there is a chance you can work 5 days, M-F or whatever, see if you can see your child when not working. If you got a 5 day a week job that includes the weekend (hospital or hotel maintenance type thing, do they work round the week?) Then that may help your ex with child care as well. Weekend jobs might pay more.

Get your ducks on a row before you speak to ex.

Try and put the past behind you both for the sake of your child. If your wife likes going out then having you to take care of your daughter on the evenings could strengthen your relationship with your child and make s workable relationship with ex.

I'm confused when you split and how old your daughter is now.

Ignore anything I've said that is not sensible for you.

If your experience really thinks it's ok for your child to sleep in a van I'd keep working on getting settled because your ex may end up not having custody one day.

Lastly, any relatives who could help you out to get a very small starter home once you are in full time work? Mortgage is cheaper than rent but you need a deposit so I am thinking long term plans here.

Whybelikethat Sat 26-Jan-19 13:09:03

I did go back to my old boss and explained the situation, but they had replaced me. its a small company with a low turnover of staff, that ship has sailed. I have found a house for 475 per month through a friend who understands of my situation. He has agreed to do the first 6 months at 400 to help me get on my feet. I have now put in a claim for universal credit which may cover 250 of that. I'm looking at about 70 a week to live on after I've paid the bills which will make paying for fuel to pick up my daughter more awkward. Some weeks I make nothing, some weeks I make £400 however I have my overheads for the business of £150 per month, recently my car and van both failed their mot so that was a big cost that I could have done without. My main problem at the moment is not getting enough leads and people wasting my time with quotes for things when they have no appreciation of the cost of. I'm not expensive by any stretch. But people seem to want me to make IKEA furniture from oak at the same time as being cheaper. I am genuinely considering packing it all in despite the possibility of a higher wage if it all goes well
I could potentially earn £1,600+ profit a month if I have work all of the 4days vs £1000 if I just work a 32h 4day a week job.

Ive realised that despite the fact I absolutely hate my ex for what she's done and shows no remorse for being such a calculating self centered bitch, I'm going to have to pretend that she doesn't make my skin crawl for at least the next 16 years whist she rubs it In my face that she holds all the strings.

I'm not sure how yet tho. I'm not great at pretending to be okay with someone when I'm not. Any tips on letting go and rising above it when she is knowingly getting her rocks off being spiteful because I didn't chase after her like she had planned I would.

OP’s posts: |
Italiangreyhound Sat 26-Jan-19 15:43:08

No tips really but keep your eye on the future.

if you are s good dad you can have a good relationship with your dd. You could meet someone new and find happiness there. You could build yo your business and do well.

Sell done on finding a house for such good rent.

Focus on the good. Good luck. flowers

Italiangreyhound Sat 26-Jan-19 15:43:28

Well done.

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