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Putting it bluntly, I hate this.

(21 Posts)
FlamingTomatoes Sun 01-Jul-07 22:16:25

I am so fucking lonely. It was my decision, and at this moment in time I don't think I could regret it more. Maybe it was the right thing to do, maybe it did need doing, but I DON'T LIKE IT.

agnesnitt Sun 01-Jul-07 22:20:52

As your mother would probably say if she's anything like mine:

Sometimes we have to do things we don't like.

Doesn't make it any easier though. Hope things get better for you in time though.


FlamingTomatoes Sun 01-Jul-07 22:21:29


FlamingTomatoes Mon 02-Jul-07 09:14:15

he came onto MSN last night and was pleading with me to give him another chance, telling me he can make me happy, promising the earth, saying he didn't realise how much he was throwing away... I feel so bad, so so bad. All my friends are telling me don't do it, that I don't deserve to be treated so badly, but who knows? Maybe I do! He loves me too, it's not as if he was never nice, he was just nasty when we rowed. Well, isn't everyone?

glitterfairy Mon 02-Jul-07 09:21:11

Of course they are ft but it depends to what extent.

Of course you dont deswerve to be treated badly no one does no matter what they ahve done.

The problem wiht abusive relationships is that to stop them requires huge amounts of self control adn a belief in yourself that was whittled away during your years/months etc with that other person.

FlamingTomatoes Mon 02-Jul-07 09:24:48

I don't have any self belief - how could I? He lied again and again and again - I took him back every time, now I wouldn't believe him if he said black was white but is this not a normal state of being?

I HATE myself for being so weak, I'm not a weak person, I never have been but when it comes to guilt, well that's my button. Anyone who can layer the guilt on has me by the short and curlies. He's been asking me if I am sure this is the right thing, and the truth is, Of course I'm not bloody sure! I've been screwing everything up for so long now that I wouldn't trust myself to choose paint for a bathroom!

BidingMyTime Mon 02-Jul-07 09:51:43

Don't look at the here and now. What would your ideal situation be in five years time? Does this include your ex-, the life-style you had together?

I know what you mean about not believing the promises. Words are wonderful but have to be backed up with action. Is he doing anything to make you think he has changed, could change?

Guilt? I also understand - good Catholic upbringing . But, you aren't 100% responsible - no-one is. Use this feeling and really look at what is going on. It sounds like he using it to push buttons?

FlamingTomatoes Mon 02-Jul-07 10:19:56

He probably has changed, that's why I feel so guilty, but I just cqannot let him into my life only to have to throw him back out again.

Last time I had to call the police to have him taken away I can't put my kids through that again.

FlamingTomatoes Mon 02-Jul-07 10:21:29

I just want reassurance that I am doing the right thing - I am not going to get the reassurance I crave, nobody can assuage my guilt, I feel bound forever for ruining his life. He has already said it's only the kids keeping him alive,.

elesbelles Mon 02-Jul-07 10:27:18

hi flaming. loneliness is the worst feeling in the world hun you have to remind yourself of the reasons you kicked him out in the first place..take yourself back to how you felt about him at that time..dont take him back just because your lonely its not the right reason. you need to think of whats best for your dc's and you. <<<hugs>>>

pirategirl Mon 02-Jul-07 10:31:39

ft, you may feel like you are weak, but you are not. you seem strong to me.

I have been split ofr 2 yrs, not my decision, but i swear to you, you will find yourself, I have and i never ever thought I would or could.

I dont have anyone else in my life and I getlonely too. its hard work, yet that is one sure way to prove to yourself that you are capable, strong and not weak.

Stick with it, you will have bad days, hours, but stick with it.

Time will help, you dont need an unstable relationship, you cannot fix this man.

take care

SurferRosa Mon 02-Jul-07 16:37:01

Please I don't know your situation, but trust your first instinct...your 'safe' instinct.

I was shocked by seeing an unstable side to Ex-p last year after only about a month of dating. I called the police I was so scared.
But something made me doubt myself and I took him back, only to witness his behaviour to me and DS deteriorate rapidly, I became pregnant, he got even worse, each time I slipped back into it thinking 'no one's perfect, maybe he's not so bad, aren't all men a bit '..whatever...and when I was 3 months pregnant, and everyone was begging me to leave him, and I realised I had permission, and left.

I have never regretted it and now have my two lovely children, and he is not a big part of my life. yes a pregnancy alone was awful but it would have been so much worse with him in the picture.

So please trust yourself, you would not have left him if there wasn't a good reason. My ex has been on at me for months to change my mind but there's no way...he;s being manipulative. They know which buttons to press.

Good luck sweetie loneliness is horrid but not worth taking back a b*stard for xx

SurferRosa Mon 02-Jul-07 16:39:29

Just a good thought to keep in mind...

'Is he doing this for me, or for himself?'
'Is he considering how this makes me feel?'

If the answer is yes, he's doing it out of love for you, then take him back. If it's because he feels so crap and wants to get back to feeling 'normal' by getting you back, leave well alone.

satyricon Mon 02-Jul-07 16:50:48

Can I just add my hap'orth?

No, everyone is not nasty when they row. And what does nasty mean? Hit you nasty? Make you feel small and bad about yourself nasty? Lower your self-esteem nasty?

If any of those things I've mentioned, then I'm sorry, but you can do better. Real people - people worth your love and your attention - don't need to make their partners (or anyone) feel bad in order to try and make themselves feel better.

Everyone argues. Arguing is healthy and it works out issues. We all need to blow off steam sometimes. It depends how you go about it. And if you sit there afterwards and feel miserable and less of a person, then it's not arguing. It's emotionally bullying someone.

Leilel Mon 02-Jul-07 19:48:00

I wish i was alone! you ladies are so lucky! My ex is abusive and since splitting he has refused to move out (house owned 50/50 so i cant legally make him!) he sits in one room of the house playing computer games all day and night (seperate b/rooms ofc!). he steals the food and he steals money and contributes nothing, he literally does nothing around the house, wont help with kids, and he doesnt like the children and takes the p**s out of their SN. ive been in this situation for ages. I would love to feel that i could lock my door and he couldnt get in. I would love to be free from this hell.

pirategirl Mon 02-Jul-07 19:56:23

i dunno about the 50/50 thing, and your situation sounds awful, if he wont go.

Yet i don't consider any of us ladies particularly lucky, and get really pissed off when people harp on about, 'oh i wish I was you/in your shoes yada yada'

Leilel Wed 04-Jul-07 00:13:01

I see

mamama Wed 04-Jul-07 00:19:34

Remind yourself why you made this decision. Why your children are better like this... why it is better for you. Think about what you really want and what you deserve. Consider your safety. And sanity. And that of your kids. I'm sure you do that anyway but please, don't make any decisions based on being lonely.

Being a single parent is not always fun. It is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

But it is possible to survive. There are MNers on here who can vouch for that. The loneliness is miserable. It will get better though.


SurferRosa Wed 04-Jul-07 07:17:04

pirategirl, I think that was a little bit fierce. It's not like she's happily married and he occasionally doesn't wash up

Leilel, so sorry to hear about this, it must be awful. I wish I could advise you what to do.

Leilel Wed 04-Jul-07 18:44:22

surferrosa, thanks. sometimes there really isnt anything that can be done, theres no answer. (well no legal answer really). sadly, I cant physically force a 20 stone 6ft 4inch man out the door, and you prob know how it is, looking after the kids without any help or any financial contribution from him (both kids have demanding SN), theres no energy left to fight battles with someone who insists on occupying a room. I hate the sound of the key in the lock because i never know what mood it will be in, will it walk into the kitchen, steal kids food and then vanish in front of computer dumping dirty plates on floor & leaving them(good scenario), or will it start up with the hate. not only does it steal my physical space but it leaves me in a constant tense state of fear and unease, like the mental space is taken away too. All i want is to be left alone.

madamez Wed 04-Jul-07 18:48:15

Leilel: there is an answer. No one is obliged to share their home with an abusive arsehole. Get legal advice from the CAB or women's aid about rights depending on whose name the house is in etc, then either leave with the kids or tell him to get out - and it he won'tyou can get the police to remove him. THen change the locks.

FT, you did the right thing. You deserve a nice happy life free of arseholes. I bet he's only whining to come back because he wants his socks washing.

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