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EXDH having kids 3 nights this week and wants them 4 or else he'll take me to court

(25 Posts)
Ulysees Thu 28-Jun-07 15:35:33

We've been on speaking terms and been friendly since the split but he's getting arsey. CSA want to see us both as he said to them he has them more than he does. I don't mind him having them half the time but really would rather I have them 4 nights out of 7. He says he'll take me to court if I won't agree.
What annoys me is he worked late before split and also did lots of overtime. Now he's taking time off.

harleyd Thu 28-Jun-07 15:39:26

at least he is taking the time to spend with the kids. it'd be worse if he couldnt give a damn and didnt want to see them. could you not have week about where one week you have them 4 nites, the next week he gets them?

FlamingTomatoes Thu 28-Jun-07 15:43:35

I would say an outright NO. he's doing it in a bid for residency, IMHO.

Ladymuck Thu 28-Jun-07 15:51:39

Agree - surely if he has them 4/7 then he becomes the resident parent?

Ladymuck Thu 28-Jun-07 15:52:45

That said you do of course need to think about what arrangement is going to be in the best long-term interest of your kids?

Tinkerbel5 Thu 28-Jun-07 16:20:02

take you to court for what ? he most probably wants them so he is considered the parent with care and so will receive all the benefits and can
take you to the CSA, let him take you to court but he doesnt have a case cause he practically has joint custody anyway.

allgonebellyup Thu 28-Jun-07 16:42:21

think 4 times a week will be good, no? whats the problem?

FlamingTomatoes Thu 28-Jun-07 19:09:02

If he has the kids 4 times a week, then goes to court over anything, the court will rule that he is the parent with parental control, and that the OP merely has access. that's the problem -0 she could very fast find herself pushed out of her dc's lives.

brandy7 Thu 28-Jun-07 20:16:04

if hes reduced his hours to have them hes either genuine OR wants the kids to stop paying maintenance, as if he has them 50/50split then he wouldnt have to pay. dont let him have child benefit, the person who collects child benefit has residence. if he talks you into benefit change hed probably take you to court for residence

twinsetandpearls Thu 28-Jun-07 20:20:43

Can we swap I am tring to get my ex to agree to something along these lines?

chipkid Thu 28-Jun-07 20:29:17

Residence can be shared. All a residence Order does is to state with whom the cildren live. It is becoming more common for shared residence.

However if you are unhappy with his suggestion I would advise you to stick to your guns. 3 nights a week is a good level of contact. Children also need to spend time with their mothers.! Lt him take you to Court, if he is working then it will cost him dear!

It will affect his CSA payment if he can show that they are spending a certain number of nights each week with him. Do you think that is what is motivating him?

Ulysees Thu 28-Jun-07 21:18:53

Thanks for your replies.
It's all so confusing with ex, I know he adores the boys but I know part of this wanting them more is to get at me for leaving him. And also he'll pay less money. But he must be earning less as he's working less hours? It's all so confusing. Why didn't he work less before? You'd think it was to avoid me but he was devastated when I left? Maybe he's scared that they'll want to be with me all the time? I'm not really asking these questions just stating possibilities? He probably feels quite vulnerable and they make him feel wanted.
Anyway, I was the one who was always there for them until 7pm most nights before the split, and also when he worked overtime.
I said we should see a solicitor to sort everything and that's when he got arsey. He won't divorce me as he has too much on yet he'll go to court for access. I just want the marriage over so I can move on.

It isn't ok for him to have them 4 nights a week, I've been their main carer since birth so he's not going to try to take over now.

controlfreaky2 Thu 28-Jun-07 21:24:02

1. if you don't think it's ok for the kids then dont do it. simple.
2. what about the two of you going to mediation..... to sort out how you are both going to be as parents now that you are no longer in a relationship togehter......

Ulysees Thu 28-Jun-07 21:26:10

Mediation is what I wanted but he knows everything so doesn't need it? He's a solicitor.
I have another thread going about my trouble trying to find a solicitor. The firm I wanted has refused me as the senior partner knows ex.

controlfreaky2 Thu 28-Jun-07 22:01:11

blimey you have my sympathy (re him being know all solicitor).......
you must get a good (family specialist) solicitor for yourself..... go to next town or whatever......

... and dont let him bully you. decide what you think is in your dc's best interests and stick to your guns. let him take you to court if he wants..... how old are your dc's??

...... imho children need A home and a regular routine.. it is rarely in dc's iunterests to spend their week to and fro between their parents.... shared residence can work but this rarely means splittoing time down the middle for each parent.

charliecat Thu 28-Jun-07 22:10:28

Do NOT agree to his 4 nights a week. Hes trying to duck out of csa payments. If he has them 4 nights the CSA will chase you for money.

chipkid Thu 28-Jun-07 22:12:49

I agree with CF. Stick to your guns-don't agree to anything unless you feel it will benefit the children

Don't let him bully you

ViciousSquirrelSpotter Thu 28-Jun-07 22:15:38

Yep, stick to your guns

This is a bid for residency.

Aloha Thu 28-Jun-07 22:16:00

He's bullying you Ulysees. Say, OK, see you in court. No court would think three nights a week away from the children's consistent main carer is too little.
Don't let him push for four. He is up to something.
Get a solicitor. I'm sure someone will give you a lift to the next town if necessary or get a taxi or go on the bus. Once you have made the initial contact you can do 95% of the rest by phone or fax or post.
Start the divorce yourself and get the childcare stuff set in stone at the same time. 3nights a week is very fair. 7 days doesn't divide in half - it's an odd number as my five year old ds would tell him!

Ulysees Thu 28-Jun-07 23:45:36

thanks again. Yes I'm going to stick to 3 nights and I've already decided to go to the next town. I can get there easily by bus, one goes from near to me to the high street there so may just go through on Monday and pop in the local solicitors to see how I feel or maybe get talking to some locals in a cafe and see who they recommend? It's only about 7 miles away so not too far.

controlfreaky2 Thu 28-Jun-07 23:49:04

good luck. do check out that any solicitor is specialist in family law....ask if they are member of "resolutions" (solicitors family law association with child centred code of conduct) and / or on children's panel or see this from their letterhead. where do you live (if you dont mind saying)

Ulysees Fri 29-Jun-07 00:08:39

Hi CF, I live in North east England.

controlfreaky2 Fri 29-Jun-07 08:54:29

not my patch so cant point you at any firms. just thought i may be able to help with some names.

Ulysees Fri 29-Jun-07 09:07:25

thanks CF, I think I'll contact the law society and get them to recommend one if I get no joy.

controlfreaky2 Fri 29-Jun-07 09:18:23

let us know how you get on. good luck.

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