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Ex partner won't let child meet anyone

(11 Posts)
flowerbomb99 Wed 02-Jan-19 22:13:51

I'm new to this site so hi to all! Me and my ex have been separated 3 years now and I've only ever had 2 dates. We have a 4 year old boy. My ex lives 200 miles away from us with his family (his choice) and sees our son sporadically mainly for 3 days in school holidays we share the travel recently but it's been me that's taking our son to him for the first 2 years. Cut a long story short he sees him on a video call every day but is now saying if I start dating he's happy for me to do that but wants our son every weekend and wants it to go legal the reason is to 'eliminate any other man spending time with our son'. I've said no to this as it's not giving our son any stability and I won't get to see him outside of work/school days and not doing the mon-fri routine and no fun. My son is my absolute rock to me and we have such a close bond and want him to still have that with his dad but this is for the wrong reasons. Our relationship now is so rocky friends one minute and he threatens custody etc the next if I say no to something. I'm dealing with high anxiety over all of this never know what the next argument will be about and I've told him how he's making me feel. What would you do? I've tried my best to keep them as close as can be but just feel like now I'm so drained from it all and now I want someone in my life he is kicking off again sad

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Wed 02-Jan-19 22:27:36

if I start dating he's happy for me to do that but wants our son every weekend and wants it to go legal the reason is to 'eliminate any other man spending time with our son'.

First of all it doesn't matter if he's 'happy for you to do that" or not. Your private social life has nothing whatsoever to do with him is more than reasonable for a non-resident parent to have weekend access.

HOWEVER. Every weekend is not reasonable. Every other would be fair.

Since he lives so far away he's scuppered his chances of having say 2 week nights access and every other weekend.

So in your position, I would offer him every other weekend access. If he wants to go to court let him. He won't get every weekend because courts see that as unfair when both parents work.

Separate your dating from the matter of access. Dating has nothing to do with him

FortunesFave Wed 02-Jan-19 22:28:37

Oh and if you ever met a special man, then your ex would not be able to "eliminate" time spent with another man....he might move in with you! None of exes business.

flowerbomb99 Wed 02-Jan-19 22:35:28

I've gladly offered every other weekend but he's not happy with this and thinks he can get any custody 'tomorrow' with the people he knows! I know he's trying scare tactics that he knows works with me but it's a horrible feeling when I've done and still do everything for our DS and have been main carer for 3 years. He has his clubs to go to at weekends swimming and football so would also mess all of that up and all the travelling would shatter him it wouldn't be fair on a 4 year old. All of this just because he's worried I'm going to introduce him to another man. I wouldn't do that for a long long time anyway if I did meet someone but how do I stop him controlling me it's getting me so down

OP’s posts: |
pallisers Wed 02-Jan-19 22:40:39

He is just trying to control you.

If he says it again say "my private life is none of your business. If you would like to see your son every other weekend, let me know and we can change arrangements if it is in his best interests". Then after thatif he warbles on about what he is going to do if you ever find a boyfriend channel my teenage daughter and say in a VERY bored voice "yeah whatever'.

He has zero interest in minding a child full-time. It is a laugh that he can even say it seeing as he moved 200 miles away and relies on you to organise sporadic access for him. Stupid fucker. He would have a heart attack if anyone actually expected him to act like a proper grown up parent.

And "the people he knows" He sounds like something from a cheap tv series from the 70s with a pretty bad/stoned writer. Pathetic.

Weenurse Wed 02-Jan-19 22:44:35

Continue with your current arrangement and let him go to court if he wants things to change.
How does he think the travel arrangements are going to work? Will he come and collect DS or does he expect you to do the driving?
If he insists going forward, suggest every other weekend. He will soon tire of the travel and having to entertain a child. Also it will likely interfere with his social life. Reality will be very different to the dream,

RitaTheBeater Wed 02-Jan-19 22:49:34

Don’t rise to what he is saying. Don’t defend or justify yourself, especially in regards to any relationships you may or may not have now or in the future. You don’t need to say anything at all about this to him.

GemmeFatale Wed 02-Jan-19 22:49:36

How is he controlling you? He’s 200 miles away. If he’s rude by phone/video chat say ‘got to go’ and hang up. If your child is there ‘bedtime/dinner time/time to head out’ and hang up. If he bangs on about going to court agree ‘yes, it would be good for DC if we formalised visits, you should get onto that’ he’s not going to and even if he does he’ll get EOW - which you already offered and he can’t be bothered with.

jessstan2 Wed 02-Jan-19 22:51:09

He won't get custody, he's bluffing. Just carry on as you are. You've only had a couple of dates anyway so don't sound like the sort of person who'd be introducing your son to all sorts of random men; if you did find someone nice, no doubt you'd wait a long time before bringing him home to meet the boy.

Relax girl! You've done nothing wrong.

flowers wine

Xmastinseltown Wed 02-Jan-19 22:54:48

Let him take you to Court if he wants, he'll only get access every other weekend anyway, and that's if he's very lucky I imagine.
He's going to look like a right arsehole to the Court, because it'll be obvious he only wants to see his son to piss you off. If he loved his dc, surely he'd want to arrange regular access regardless of whether you are dating or not.

If I were you I'd correspond with him purely by text/email in order to have some proof, for the Court if necessary, of his agenda.
And I'd refuse to continue helping out with transport arrangements. Let him pick his son up in future every time, I would bet that he'll back down if you stand up to him

MumUnderTheMoon Thu 03-Jan-19 21:30:22

He is using your son to control you do not allow this. He won't get custody tomorrow or any other day unless he was able to prove there were major problem with you as a mother so don't allow that to scare you. If you have any of these threats in writing keep them. If I were you I would some legal advice before his next visit to make sure that you have legal rights should he refuse to return your son.

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