Transport to dads visits?

[Cassie85]

Hi guys, merry Christmas. Hope you are all having a lovely day.

I have a quick question about arrangements for my DS to see his dad. We live about 12 miles away, and always have done, we never properly lived together. My ex hasn’t had a car for over a year so from 3 days after DS was born, I was travelling with me and baby back and forwards.

Now we have split up, I have said that on the days he sees his son, which at th moment is one day a week, he can do the travelling. I said the same about the usually once a week that ex’s parents have DS, they can do the travelling too. So far he has done it once, the second time will be tomorrow and he’s started today being quite abusive, saying I’m being unfair, and I’m nuts etc etc etc. He thinks we should be doing one journey each. I could do into details about why I don’t agree with this, BUT I’m kinda thinking it’s quite straightforward and that’s it’s really his reposnsibility?

Any advice is appreciated.

[goldengummybear]

Each parent doing a journey is fair but I'm assuming a big reveal like he doesn't pay child maintenance, has bad timekeeping skills, smashed up your car or you have a broken limb or something

[Cassie85]

I don’t see the need for you to be facetious with me.

Surely on the one day a week that I have to myself, I am entitled to have a break? Or no? I’ve to do 100% of the journeys on the days I have DS and then 50% on the days that dad has him?

[goldengummybear]

My ex pays for and does the travel (he moved 45 minutes away) but when the kids are with him he only pays food and basic toiletries like toothpaste as I pay for clothes that they take to his. (They are teens so it adds up)

[goldengummybear]

I'm not being facetious. I've been on MN a long time so used to people missing out important info in initial posts. If you drop off your child and he is dropped off by Dad then ex is doing 100% of the journeys while he is in Dad's care (and that is right imo)

[Cassie85]

When he goes to his dad, I make the bottles for the day, I put in the bibs, a change of clothes, dummies, everything, he has nothing at all at his house for DS.

The expense is a bit of an issue, I’m still on mat leave so don’t have a lot of money, and like I said on the 5/6 days a week I have him, I have to take him with my, which is fine, but it would be nice to have one days break from that.

My ex has done the journey once so far. On Sunday when he was supposed to gt him, he turned up 90mins late with no communication, stinking of drink, hadn’t been home since the night before.

I just feel like surely the effort for the journeys to pick him up and drop him off is one thing that he could be doi to make my life easier and give me a day off? I’m also pregnant so I’m pretty tired, but I know that’s not his problem.

[Ginandsonicscrewdriver]

Is one journey each way not fairer? Why does he always have to collect? With the grandparents, it’s their responsibility to work out their own travel though.

[Cassie85]

The long and short is, it would just be nice on the day that dad has him, for me to have that whole day to myself. And not have to worry about dropping him off or picking him up.

[Ginandsonicscrewdriver]

I’m confused about the 5/6 days you have him- where does your ex come into this? You’re not taking him to your ex on those days so it’s immaterial. What age is your DS?

[Cassie85]

Why would it be fairer for dad, but nor for grandparents? I just thought that both situations would be the same?

[Cassie85]

He 5 months old.

[Ginandsonicscrewdriver]

Is the day he’s with his dad not about seeing his dad rather than you having a break though?

[Ginandsonicscrewdriver]

His dad is his parent, you share responsibility. The grandparents don’t factor into it. You don’t need to facilitate contact with them, but with his dad you do.

[Cassie85]

Right so I shouldn’t have a Break? I should just on that day, be focused on DS spending the time with his dad?

[SnowsInWater]

So one person answers but doesn't drip sympathy and you say they are being facetious. I'm not sure about unreasonable but you are pretty unpleasant.

[goldengummybear]

I think that you need to deal with the fact that he doesn't provide nappies, milk etc first. That's shit and very unreasonable. He should buy ready made if he's too lazy to mix it himself.

[Ginandsonicscrewdriver]

Don’t run after him doing the bottles etc, that’s crazy. But you do need to facilitate contact

[Cassie85]

I have to, he doesn’t have any of these things at his house, so I need to put them in or DS wouldn’t have them?

[goldengummybear]

I had to have strong words with my ex about drinking too. He is free to drink himself silly if he's not got the kids but they deserve sober (for the day) Dad

[Cassie85]

I’m not complaining about that either, I just mean that I provide absolutely everything for him so I don’t think it’s a lot to ask for my ex to do the picking up and dropping off.

My parents weren’t together and I don’t think my mum ever took us to my dads, he a,ways came and got us and it was never a problem.

[Cassie85]

I agree gummy, everyone’s entitled to let their hair down, but aye I don’t like the idea of him pissed with the baby which after his performance at the weekend, is another reason I’m wondering why he’s wanting me to pick him up. Maybe it’s so he can have a drink, I don’t know that, it’s just a thought I have.

[Cassie85]

Snow, I don’t want sympathy, I was looking for advice. Sometimes things can be lost in translation over a text. For you to make a judgement about me being unpleasant based on that is pretty uncalled for.

[Teacakequeen]

I think considering you look after your son all week, the least he can do is pick him up and drop him off.

[PoesyCherish]

I think sharing travelling is fairer and each parent drops off so you drop DS to him and he drops him back. You do need to stop providing everything else though, that's on him. I'll bet the reason he doesn't do it is because he has no need to, you do it for him. If you stop providing he won't have a choice then.

[TrippingTheVelvet]

Poor form to be getting bogged down in such pettiness on the baby's first Christmas. I'm assuming a 12 mile trip for you on Boxing Day is much easier effort wise than public transport or scrounging a lift. One journey each tomorrow is fair.

[Nicknamesalltaken]

Firstly, you don’t need to facilitate the GPS relationship. That’s down the the dad.

Secondly, I’d probably stick it out a bit longer. Your baby is very small still, and from what you’ve said your X isn’t reliable. I’d be concerned that he turned up to look after your baby smelling of drink.

Unfortunately as single parents (or parents generally) we aren’t entitled to a day off. Babies and children don’t work that way. We can’t pass off tge responsibility. Sure, it should be shared - everyone has two parents after all. But all to often that’s not how it works.

Things change all the time. If you leave it to your X chances are he won’t bother. That’s his responsibility, not yours. I for one find it easier bearing the brunt of childcare alone than having the input of XH. I rarely get a day off (one day a month if I’m lucky) but I still prefer it this way.

It is frustrating, unfair and overwhelming. Try to be kind to yourself when you can.