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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Advice needed on how to deal with vile ex.

19 replies

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 14/12/2018 19:58

Okay so me and babys dad have been pretty much over since she was 4 weeks old and he left. We got back together for a short time but have tried to stay friends. DD was breast feeding and was hard for him to take her so have spent quite a bit of time together, all being well unless I say anything that upsets him!
DD is now 10 months old and he is meant to have her on a weekend 4 hours Sat and 4 hours Sun, although he rarely sticks to this due to taking on extra work or wanting to watch footie ( this is his right as he's worked all week)
There's been a number of times he's not let me know till the last minute he's not coming or not let me know at all, I haven't bothered saying anything as I know how nasty he gets when I confront him, so I say nothing.
Last Sunday he called said he was on his way, then nothing, I call no answer and don't hear a thing until 6pm tonight saying he's picking DD up tomorrow.
I've had enough of him thinking he can play Dad when he feels like so I've said no and explained this.
His reply is so much abuse towards me, bringing up things I'd told him in confidence, saying if I don't answer the door tomorrow let's see what happens. Then goes on to say I'm not getting any more money off him and he's been to a solicitor.
All these msgs while I'm trying to get DD to bed so I blocked his number.
Has anybody been in a similiar situation? Should I just keep him blocked? I've tried to be amicable for DD but it's impossible with him!
Before I blocked him I just tx saying I'll wait to hear from your solicitor then...

OP posts:

Report

OccasionallyIncomplet · 14/12/2018 20:08

In short - he taking the piss by trying to have his cake and eat it. Firstly you need to speak to CSA and get regular payments. You'll probably entitled to way more than he provides.

Secondly - you need a formal agreement for child contact. Go see a solicitor.

Thirdly - maintain radio silence until this is sorted out.

Lastly - if he disclosed anything told to you in confidence, contact the police. He may be committing offences. If not they will make a record which will be the first step towards a future complaint of harassment.

Good luck!

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 14/12/2018 20:22

Thankyou for the reassurance!

Sorry for the long post, I actually thought I tried to keep it brief!

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ems137 · 14/12/2018 20:50

I would keep his number blocked and wait for a solicitors letter. Keep in mind though that anyone can pay a solicitor to write a letter, it doesn't mean what they write has to be adhered to. So don't panic if you receive a letter that says he wants this, that and the other!

You don't have to be at his beck and call and it isn't good for your daughter either. She needs consistency. I have always said to my ex, if he can't keep to a regular routine of contact then don't bother at all.

A lot of exes threaten that they'll "go for custody". It's all bullshit to scare you. He doesn't seem bothered enough anyway so I can't imagine that he will spend £££ on taking you to court

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 14/12/2018 21:08

Yeah I said I don't have to just do as he says because he's decided not to work this weekend or watch footy.
His reply was just horrible saying I planned to get pregnant so I can sit on my arse for 12 months 😠 He seriously has no clue how hard it is being a single mum especially with a baby that has always been a bad sleeper. Ahhh he makes my blood boil 😔

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ChristmasLights05 · 14/12/2018 21:09

Ahhh I know exactly how you feel!! Unfortunately he'll probably always be the same. My son has just turned 3 and in that situation. My sons dad is extremely similar, picks and chooses when to have his son! Sometimes doesn't bother looking after my son when he knows I have an 8 hour shift that day. Extremely abusive towards me whenever I ask when he will have him so his number is constantly blocked and on none of my social media.
He doesn't pay any child maitenance either x

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 14/12/2018 21:28

@ChristmasLights05 how long have you been split from your ex? Do you leave him blocked till he contacts you another way or just unblock after a while?.. feel like I'm wrong for doing this but he sent me 6 essays being abusive towards me.
It's such a horrible situation isn't it! The mad thing is if he just text me today apologising I'd of said okay cos I can't be bothered with the arguing, but it's the fact he acts as if I'm out of order for even saying anything about him no showing last week

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BedraggledBlitz · 14/12/2018 21:37

Tell him when he is out of order and be firm about what the rules are. Try to make your communication with him minimal and factual. Don't engage in his silly argument.

He'll give you shit and threaten all kinds of stuff based on your worst fears. But it will come to nothing cos he cant even have her for 2 four hour spells without dicking it up.

I had all this since becoming lone parent 3 years ago. It improved when I stopped taking any shit and caring.

ChristmasLights05 · 14/12/2018 21:49

@IfIcouldturnbacktime217 Ooo months now! His mum usually does the talking for him now because he can't have a conversation with me without calling me such horrible names.

I understand it's so frustrating! I unblocked him as it was recently my sons birthday and he messaged me at 4 in the morning writing paragraphs abusing me!

They apologise one minute then the next minute they go off on one again! I've just given up trying to reason with him and end the arguments, never works!

You definitely wasn't out of order! A child has 2 parents, it's so unfair us as mums would get slated if we were in their shoes. I'd keep the texts incase the solicitor does get involved!x

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 14/12/2018 22:20

@BedraggledBlitz do you have a civil relationship now?

I think this is the first time I've properly been firm, told him he was a disgrace and to get back to me when he wants to prioritise his baby above everything else.
I shouldn't let the stuff he says hurt me but it does! Saying I don't give a fuck about anyone but myself, oh the irony!
Just hoping he doesn't turn up in the morning, dread the confrontation atvthe door!

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IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 14/12/2018 22:24

@ChristmasLights05 I wish his mum would talk for him, I'd love them to know how things really are, think they think he's hard done by!
I've never known such selfishness till having DD! How men that leave can be so vile is beyond me

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ghostlygal · 14/12/2018 22:26

Keep him blocked and only deal with him via email that way you'll have a paper trail of conversations.

Also you might find he will be less nasty via email then text (at least my ex was)

Get into CSA and don't let him
Bully you over money. Set up a proper child care arrangement and then if he's not adhereing to it you have something to show to the courts.

Also I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard enough with a small baby besides an ex making it harder.

ChristmasLights05 · 14/12/2018 22:37

@IfIcouldturnbacktime217 haha me too! Definitely she acts like he's an angel, even though she knows what he's like!
He came round the other week to drop my son off by banging on my front door and calling me all the vile names you could imagine as I'm currently pregnant. (the baby isn't his)

I messaged his mum saying what he done and that he's scared me, she changed the subject completely! I would be well ashamed if my son turned out to be like him

Do you talk to any of your ex's family?

Starlight456 · 14/12/2018 22:54

Cms for maintenance. This won’t be backdated so do it Monday .

If he is sending abusive texts contact the police.

Cao will not solve this problem . It will mean you will be court ordered to make child available.
With my ex I documented when my ex cancelled and reasons why. You need to give him enough rope to hang himself .

I would set up if collection is 2pm . If he isn’t there by 2.30 , dc will not be available for collection and go out.

While I also would not be offering every Saturday and Sunday. Assuming you are returning to work soon you will want full days with your little one.

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 14/12/2018 22:56

@ChristmasLights05 ahh it's infuriating isn't it! How they can think it's okay the way their sons act angers me!

No I don't speak to any of his family, none of them have contacted me since he left when she was 4 weeks! When I've mentioned this his reply is that I don't ring them!
But I did call his mum when we first split hoping she might of asked how I was and to try work out what was going on hoping she'd talk to me but was quite apparent she didn't care. He has a sister too and not a word from her. None of them have visited once since DD was born

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BedraggledBlitz · 15/12/2018 07:26

Morning, yes civil for sake of DS. Despite hating him intensely

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 15/12/2018 11:07

I wish we could be civil, we do get on fine until I mention him not coming etc then he just starts insulting and threatening me.
Can't live my life that way.
He said he's be here at 10 so hoping that means he's not coming.
He's going away next week so I'm wondering now has he done this on purpose so he doesn't look like a bad dad getting off at Xmas.

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Tenpenny · 15/12/2018 11:27

Abusive man child

As others have said above, use all of the relevant outside agencies to deal with this individual ie Child Maintenance Service, Solicitor with regards to access (I personally don't believe that he's gone to the bother of consulting one himself, he sounds lazy and clueless - a good solicitor would see this instantly anyway!) and Police for any kind of abusive behaviour.
Youve tried to be civil but he has no interest, just wants you at his beck and call and this is unacceptable. Use the "grey rock" technique when he contacts you and tries to emotionally blackmail.

GemmeFatale · 15/12/2018 11:30

Get onto CMS to claim for your child.

Email or text him that you want to get a proper routine in place for baby as you’ll be thinking of returning to work soon. Every other Saturday for four hours from 9am (or whatever suits you) with the intent of building up to a full weekend eow once baby is old enough. If he isn’t on the doorstep ready to collect by 9.15 go out. Record every time that happens. Text him something bland ‘as you haven’t collected baby I assume you don’t want contact this week. Baby will be available for contact in two weeks time at 9am’. That way if he does drag you into court you have a full record of you facilitating contact and him letting his child down.

DizzyBumbleBee · 16/12/2018 21:42

Sounds exactly like my child's dad. If it's not football.. It's gym..

Stick to your guns. I
If you don't require respect then he'll just walk all over you. I've now reached the point I just won't answer the door if he shows up. I'll send an email instead (cause I've removed him from immediate things like WhatsApp).
With information on scheduling times to see his daughter in advance.
Treat it like a job. You are no longer his partner. Your baby deserves a good guardian to set some standards in your family. But don't actually stop him from seeing baby. It just has to be normal with no let downs or messing about. He just can't walk in and out when he pleases.

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