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Is it normal to feel really horrible when you find out your ex is with someone else?

(166 Posts)
Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 00:22:40

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but it feels awful.

SittingBull Sun 24-Jun-07 00:27:54

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wrinklytum Sun 24-Jun-07 00:28:01

Hugs, if you do them

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 00:28:58

He left his phone here after having the boys, and on picking it up I saw the message.
Why should I give a damn? Why do I feel a bit upset?

wrinklytum Sun 24-Jun-07 00:30:06

Because he was/is part of your life,because he is the father of your dcs?

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 00:31:40

I knew it would take something like this to make it all hit home. I had been coping far too well. Blimey, I can't believe I'm so upset & that I'm so sad!

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 00:33:37

A bloody sad individual that is!!

wrinklytum Sun 24-Jun-07 00:41:21

You are not sad at all.You are just doing your best.I would be devastated if I split with dp and my eldest was sayng such negative things about me.Keep strong.I am sure you are a fantastic mother.I am sure you are the one that has been there for your children,and as they get older they will appreciate and realise this.At the moment they are probably feeling a bit blindsided,too,and are just expressing what they hear dad say without really meaning it.Hope someone comes along with better advice soon.Hugsxx Wrinkly.

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 01:10:57

I am shocking myself at how upset I feel. I am just not enjoying any of this single parent bit atm. I know it will probably get better in time, but I am feeling very unhappy right now.

SittingBull Sun 24-Jun-07 01:15:29

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Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 01:22:23

Thanks SittingBull. I can't believe I am in such a bad way, I really can't!
He was the biggest part of my life for 11 years though, and it is just another big thing to face in this horrible process of separation.
I know I have done the right thing, so I feel I shouldn't be such a stupid mess on finding out he is moving on with some girl who uses the worst text talk ever!

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 01:28:30

I can't stop crying. This is really pathetic & I am shocked at how badly I'm reacting!

turquoisenights Sun 24-Jun-07 01:35:42

is there a possibility that he left the phone on purpose so you see the text?
is there really a girl friend?

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 01:40:19

Don't know if it's a girlfriend or just a shag, but there is definitely someone.

I am shocked at how sick I feel when it shouldn't matter to me at all.
Maybe it took something like this to drum this whole horrible process into my stupid head, because I was almost coping too well until tonight.

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 01:44:15

I've had an evening round my parents of people (friends of my parents) asking why I had done it & was there no chance etc.
I tried to explain it all, then came home to both DS's awake & kicking off because I asked them to go to bed at gone 11pm, and then I picked up his phone & saw this.
I am in a right state. I know I have done the right thing, but it doesn't stop it all hurting so badly.
I can't even think about going to bed yet.

turquoisenights Sun 24-Jun-07 01:50:04

you are a strong person you will cope well again.
when you get seperated it is normal this would happen, especially men are weaker than women. i still think there may not be a real girl friend, and if there is someone, nobody can be the same as you to him, you are mother of his children.
and you will have boy friend someday, he will feel the same, and he may get jealous.
these are realities of this life.
so try to look at it this way and dont get upset please, it will pass really, you will remember all these in the future and will think you didnt need to get that much upset.

skyatnight Sun 24-Jun-07 01:58:29

I agree with what turqns says. So sorry you are feeling so bad. It's always a shock when an ex moves on, even if you are sure you have done the right thing splitting up, and 11 years is a long time to be with someone. A friend suggested to me to try and think about all his worst traits to remind yourself why you don't want to be with him. You will still see him because of your children so it's not the end of everything. Think how exciting it will be when you meet someone new and how you will look back on this time and feel philosophical about it all. Going to bed now. Please be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up, have a good long cry, you are probably overdue because you have been trying to keep everything together, all the plates spinning for so long now. I hope some others are still around to keep you company but try and get some sleep as well so that you are ok when your ex comes to get his phone. xx

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 02:01:09

I know I am being totally pathetic, I really do, and I'm shocking myself at how bad I am feeling.
If I'm honest, I really don't feel I have properly taken in the whole situation properly. I was coping far too well (almost like my head couldn't take it all in at times) & I knew it. It has taken something like this to maybe shake it all into me & make me really grieve properly. Am I making any sense at all?

skyatnight Sun 24-Jun-07 02:09:26

Yes sweetie, you are making sense. It's really hitting now, sinking in. It didn't before because you were still living together, because it was your decision to split, because you couldn't imagine him with anyone else. It may not be too late to try again, if you decide that is what you want????

turquoisenights Sun 24-Jun-07 02:10:32

you are not pathetic, it is normal to feel like that, anyone would feel the same way especially after such a long time together.
and please stop blaming yourself, you did the right thing at those circumstances, and i believe you needed to live this seperation too iykwim, there was no other way.

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 02:14:43

It's not right to try again, I have reached the end of the road...but it still hurts like hell.
I think I need this upset though. I feel crushed to bits, but it is almost healthier than the odd floaty head state I was in. I need to grieve for the end of our long relationship, it's not healthy not to.
I am not so strong!

turquoisenights Sun 24-Jun-07 02:18:10

you are just shocked, it will pass away in a few days.

Pinkchampagne Sun 24-Jun-07 02:27:13

Even though it was my decision, I have been coping far too well with it all really. I am normally quite a coper, but I knew that I was coping too well in the circumstances & that one day it would hit me like a lead balloon.
Knowing he is moving on with other females has knocked it all into me good & proper.
I know I sound very pathetic, and like I say, I have even shocked myself here, but maybe it was the thing that needed to happen to make my numb head take it all in!

I am not wanting him back, but I am now grieving the end of my marriage & relationship. I am hurting badly, but maybe I need to.

turquoisenights Sun 24-Jun-07 02:32:05

at least you know you dont want him back, that is important.

skyatnight Sun 24-Jun-07 02:32:08

Yes you need to grieve. I tried to look for your old threads to remind myself of your story but I couldn't find them. But I'm sure you didn't set off on this path lightly. You knew it would be really hard but you were sure it was the right thing to do. You will grieve for the relationship and it will be shit but you will feel better in time. I think if you and your ds1 could feel happier with each other, you would feel better about your ex as well. I know that you had lost a lot of respect for your ex and that is why you split up but could you ask for his help with ds1?

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