Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Alternatives to ex being at my place - access question

16 replies

Jobiscuits · 28/11/2018 11:35

Hi all,
I separated from my husband last month. He chose to move back to his flat in London (he had been renting it out), and I moved to Essex to be nearer family.

We have a 2.5 year old son. My ex sees him on weekends but does not have him overnight because I think his flat is unsuitable for a toddler and it'd be unsettling to take our son back and forth to London on a trains, tube and rail replacement buses. His home (with his bed, toys and injections he has) is at my place.

So on a Sat and Sun my ex takes our son out for the day (10am-5pm) in essex to parks, cafes etc. then he drops DS off and travels back to London. Neither of us have a car. But with the weather getting bad, son having colds etc. I feel guilty that DS has to be out of the house and aware my ex might be bitter about this because he's contributing to the rent of my place. I've considered going out on the weekends during the day and telling my ex that he and our son can stay at mine but:

my ex and I argue if we spend time together so if he's at mine, I'd have to go out. I don't have anywhere to go, don't have money to do anything and I use the weekend to sort stuff at home uninterrupted (cleaning, laundry etc)
It lets my ex off the hook because if he'd moved nearer our son could have stayed at his. It also means he doesn't have to plan anything to do with our son on the weekend as he'll just stay indoors at mine
more than that I really need some separation and space from my ex, and some privacy. He has his own place and freedom and he goes out several nights a week. I want some space from him. He already Skypes with our son every night so even during the week I feel like I can't get time away from him. I don't want him to start treating my home like it's his and he has rights to it because I think that'll lead to arguments.

Anyway after that ramble, my question is whether anyone has suggestions to the issue that I don't want to throw my son out into the cold on weekends but I don't want his dad in my home all weekend?

Thanks x

OP posts:

Report

ZigZagZebras · 28/11/2018 11:44

What's unsuitable about dads place? Is there not an area like his bedroom which could be made safe and have a stairgate put on for him to stay over Saturday nights?

GemmeFatale · 28/11/2018 11:50

If he went to court he’d be allowed overnight access at his flat (unless a massive drip feed is coming). I’d start maybe after Christmas with two overnights a month at dad’s place. Your child will be fine.

ZigZagZebras · 28/11/2018 11:51

Or if that's not an option at all, could you do one day where they go out then the other you visit one of the family members who you're nearby to so they can have one day at home?
My middle DC is 2 and I think being out at cafes/soft play etc for 7 hours 2 days in a row would be way too much for her now its cold, there's only so much time a 2 year old will sit in a cafe before they're fed up, most soft plays have a time limit and it's not really the weather for hours at the park now.
I think really if you're not wanting him to have him overnight then you need to accommodate him at DSs home for DSs sake. Can they not play in his room or the living room while you get housework done or relax in your room if you're not wanting to go out?

Jobiscuits · 28/11/2018 12:37

Thank you. My ex's flat is one bedroom. We moved because there wasn't enough space for a moving toddler and it's certainly not toddler proofed at all. In summer his flat is worse because it's inferno hot and his neighbours smoke and have bbqs on their balcony so if his windows are open his place is smoky not to mention it's on one of the most polluted roads in London... I can't see grounds why he'd argue going back and forth to the flat is better for DS.

My ex took our son to visit his parents one weekend so our son had to stay overnight at his flat due to train issues. I've no issue with that because my son just slept there and his grandparents's house has space and is safe. I've said I'm happy with my ex doing that sometimes but not every week since he's unsettled enough as it is (He just started preschool too). But maybe I should change my position on that.

There's no drip, thankfully. But DS started on nightly injections 2 months ago which makes bedtime a bit traumatic for him. The injection device, cartridges, sharps bin etc are all at my place and would need to be transported back and forth. That's fine but my ex is not diligent with that sort of thing (forgets to put cartridges in the fridge etc).

As for my ex being in the same place as me, we argue if we're in the same place for more than 10 minutes. But maybe we could alternate so he's at mine on Saturdays.

Hmm I'll have more of a think. Thanks for your responses.

OP posts:

whatsthepointthen · 28/11/2018 13:31

i lived in a one bed flat with 3 children and dont have my house baby proofed now with 4 kids. cant see why he cant take him to his tbh.

timelord92 · 28/11/2018 14:07

How long does it take your ex to travel to and from yours to his place?

I think your son should be allowed to stay in his dads. I don’t think expecting your ex and a toddler to stay out for hours at a time is reasonable any time of the year to be honest. Going out now and again is good but not every single week.

I wouldn’t let your ex go to yours either as like you said you need your space too.

Jobiscuits · 28/11/2018 14:12

Thank you.

I don't see the benefit to our son to take him from a safe, non-polluted house and area in a place where he has all his toys, medication, and his own bed and making him travel via two replacement buses, train and underground to central London for several hours in winter to a one bed flat every few days with nothing there of his at the same time he already has disruption having moved to a new area, new home, new preschool and starting daily injections. I appreciate not everyone has the same view as me about some of those things and toddler-proofing etc. but they are important to me. Yes, I'd like the oven door to shut properly and the tv and chests of drawers to be secured, and the cleaning liquids to be out of reach, and they still seem like reasonable ideas to me!

OP posts:

Jobiscuits · 28/11/2018 14:22

I should add that when we moved I offered nesting as an option - so my ex would stay at mine on weekends and I'd stay at his flat. That way my ex and I would suffer the travel while DS settles and we work out a longer-term plan (I'm only living in my current place for a year and my ex doesn't know what he's doing either). My ex said no he wanted his own space. In hindsight the was right but I feel he could have made decisions that would have enabled him to have our son overnight if he'd really wanted that.

OP posts:

GemmeFatale · 28/11/2018 14:24

Out of interest at what point do you think your son should have overnight visits with his father?

Jobiscuits · 28/11/2018 14:27

Timelord92 thank you for your opinion. I think I'm weighing up the benefit to my son of staying at one place versus the benefit to me and his dad of having some separation. I'll think about it more
Cheers x

OP posts:

Jobiscuits · 28/11/2018 14:32

I have no issue with overnight visits. My son stayed at his grandparents with his dad last weekend, for example, and that was my suggestion. My preference would have been his dad have him overnight 1-2 nights a week and that was an arrangement we discussed earlier in the year when his dad said he'd be moving nearby. My issues are the ones mentioned above.

OP posts:

whatsthepointthen · 28/11/2018 18:09

I dont do any of that stuff in my house and have 4 kids never had an accident, theres a little thing called... supervision. tbh i think your unreasonable and yes would also like to know what age you would “allow” him to have overnights?

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/11/2018 18:12

If it went to court your ex would be granted overnight.

Starlight345 · 28/11/2018 18:28

I would let him take him eow . It will be an adventure and exciting. I would never allow ex every weekend .

bertielab · 28/11/2018 18:44

If your ex went to court he would have overnight access.

He is young, he will sleep on train / buses. Your ex can provide the medical care needed -he is an adult etc. I'd advise you start on contact sooner rather than later.

lifebegins50 · 28/11/2018 18:53

I don't think your objections would be validated in court.

Every other weekend and contact 1 night per week, maybe by skype would be reasonable.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.