Issues with Father - Advice needed!!

[FlexRay]

Advice required!

I am post in this on behalf of my Fiancé, so shes not actually a lone parent but it seemed the correct forum to be posting it in as there is some similar topics being discussed.

I’ll try and explain this as best as possible -

My Fiancé has 2 boys to her Ex to which she was not married, he was cheating on her when the boys were 1 & 2, she ended the relationship and he moved out so there is bad blood but he only has himself to blame. The dad had 2 kids from a previous marriage and has since married the one he was cheating with and she has 3 kids. So he is responsible for 7 kids, 4 of his own that do not live with him, 3 of hers that live with him. The two children in question are the youngest of the lot.

Agreement is in place for the father to take the 2 boys every second weekend and he pays the minimum in support. Historically the father has never taken the boys for more than 50 days a year, often a lot less, especially straight after the break up, he would go months without seeing them. Most weekends there is issues stopping him taking the boys for the full agreed time.

We are at the stage where the eldest (Now 6) likes going to daddy’s and thinks the world of him, the youngest (now 5) doesn't really share the same opinion.

The youngest (5) is going through a whiney/annoying stage at the moment and is apparently causing issues when at daddy’s (we have no problems with him at home, neither does school etc). The eldest says he likes going to daddy’s however often breaks down in tears saying that nobody loves him at daddy’s and that daddy doesn’t do anything fun with them when they visit. They seem to fit around all the other kids schedules, when they visits daddy’s they seem to be dragged around all the other activities.

Last weekend Daddy made is clear that the youngest behaviour is 'bad' and for the last 5 years it’s been a challenge for him and he's 'done with it'. He says if the boys don’t want to visit him he will accept it and deal with the bullshit in 10 years’ time.

I have voiced my concerns about his opinions and made clear to him it’s his moral obligation to have a relationship with his 2 youngest kids and do everything in his power to fix this situation.

So what advice do we want? – The oldest still wants to visit daddy, the youngest actively states he doesn’t want to go. We don't want to allow one kid to visit and allow him to stop seeing the youngest, we feel this will create a divide between the boys.

Their life is with Mummy and myself - daddy just takes them when it’s convenient for him. At the same time the youngest is 5, he says he doesn’t want to go to daddy’s, he equally says he doesn’t want to eat vegetables, but we guide them to do what right, a relationship with the father is the correct route.

The dad is a business man, has a nice house, nice car, doesn’t seem short of money, he just seems to lack interest and drive to make his children enjoy being with him, and with all the cheating and continuous lies he is clearly making bad decision in life, he is also constantly awkward and argumentative. 6 Months ago I swapped collection and drop off communication to solely myself as the way he was talking to my partner was disrespectful and verging on bullying.

Do we continue trying to make him to take the boys in the hope he can turn this round and make them enjoy staying with him?

Do we tell him a break is in order until he sorts his head out? Is this fair on the children? We don’t want the kids hating us as they grow up as we assisted them their dad not seeing them.

Any advice appreciated

[Coyoacan]

That's a hard one, so no advice from me I'm afraid, but what an awful father.

[Bellabutterfly2016]

You sound a lovely step-dad, the boys are lucky to have you their dad sounds awful.

Could you text him and ask him to meet you for a drink, somewhere neutral like costa coffee and see if you can come to a workable arrangement? It's worth a try.