Things in the contact book have gotten a bit... stressful. Dealing with my ex partner who was abusive and master manipulator. He had started being all nicey nicey and saying he's happy to meet up to discuss parenting stuff with me, when I didn't respond to that and only stuck to things about DD, he got nasty after I said neutrally that it would be good if we were on the same page about her sleeping in her own bed/without other adult guests sleeping in her room with her so she could sleep properly, as was discussed between lawyers and he assured that she would to encourage independence & continuity between the two homes.
This came after DD made comments to me that Daddy takes her into his bed even when she was asleep and cuddles her and she gets too hot, tries to get away from under his heavy arm but he pulls her back into cuddle - not appropriate as she is 4, not his own personal comforter..she has never co-slept unless ill etc. She also said that her Nanny slept in her room when she came to stay - she comes to stay often - and that Nanny was snoring and woke her up lots of times & Daddy kept having to rush in and tell Nanny to stop snoring. She doesn't have to sleep in DD's room but just wants to.)
Because of that comment I made, he replied in contact book in a defensive/accusatory way saying I have been manipulative to DD, undermining him, wrong-headed, controlling, that I should not tell him what to do regarding his routine with DD etc (same old what he has always said over 3 years & a year in court he has not changed or gotten calmer or more civil - it's only an act & then as soon as he doesn't get what he wants he turns nasty and accusatory/paranoid again, making it all about him) Then he said that whilst we're talking about 'differences' he thinks I let her watch too much TV, that I deny her sweets to a unhealthy degree which has made her obsessed with them, and that it is my fault that she is not eating much at school (not because she's just a fussy 4 year old who doesn't like things mixed together) it's in his view my fault because I have 'limited her choices' by insisting that she doesn't eat meat (she eats fish) - this was a compromise we came to and agreed in court order, yet he still holds all this blame over me saying I am projecting my 'eating issues' (being vegetarian) on DD, projecting my fears and worries onto her etc etc. Always the same story - gaslighting me and manipulating to avoid any light being shone on his bad behaviour. Blaming me for everything and creating drama.
Now to 'punish' me (it feels like) for trying to keep boundaries and not engaging with him/meeting up with him like he keeps pushing for he has said/ told me in the contact book "have her dinner ready at 5.45 unless you want to pick her up from my house at that time instead"
Background: He has her after school every other Weds from 3.20pm - 5.45 this is in the court order.
Her usual dinner time, as I have told him many times (I was main carer most of her life until recently) is 5pm so she can have time to eat, wind down, bath, bed etc. She gets very overstimulated and has sensory issues so she needs a solid bedtime routine even more so than the average child.
She often does a poo before/after/takes a break from dinner to go to toilet so dinner time can take a while...hence why I start her eating at 5pm.
With her having just started school and only just being 4 years old, she needs to be asleep at 7pm so she can get a proper night's sleep and not wake up too late in morning for school especially since she still wakes in the night sometimes. He always argues and says no he feeds her at 5.30pm and he puts her to bed at 7.30pm. He lies and says he never has any issues with her, no tantrums, no night waking, she eats well, always get ready for school on time and perfectly in the morning.
He lives half an hour away from me, whereas I live a 7 min drive from her school, so if he takes her to his after school and I pick her up at 5.45 (or my Mum does as I don't do handovers) then we won't be home 'til 6.15 and if she hasn't finished eating her dinner (or if she's on the toilet as she often would be at that time !!) then will have to wait for her, and will get home later.. She would fall asleep on the 30min journey home & then... either that's a very early bedtime and I have to carry her in the house up 2 flights of stairs and put her to bed in her school uniform? Or she wakes up when we get home & then won't go back to bed until 10pm.
Basically he's refusing to give her dinner - usually he'd take her to a nearby softplay and gives her a little supper there or nearby cafe/picnic in summer in the park. He's saying (telling me) I should have it ready for her at 5.45 (meaning she has to wait for dinner til then..?) When we've tried that before he'd given her loads of snacks to keep her going as she's so hungry and then I've cooked a dinner for her and timed it right etc, and she's not eaten any of it or she's been propping up her head with her hand & too tired/fractious to eat by then.
He gets annoyed and angry/blamey about me seeming to be telling him what to do with her/have a routine and he's said her routine needs to be agreed between us and that's why we need to meet up and talk... but if I say the sky is blue he says no it's not it's green. That is how petty and disagreeable he is. All he wants is to cause drama and trouble...he got his outcome that he wanted in court but he still won't let things lie and just focus on DD's wellbeing first and foremost. He still wants to stir things up.
We have had shuttle meditation, separate waiting rooms in court etc as seeing him/talking to him gives me PTSD flashbacks and intense anxiety for days/weeks afterwards - I have tried in past to co-parent with him and be civil but it just doesn't work and he always uses DD or issues surrounding DD to get at me, make digs, get control, play power games, get attention/narc supply from me etc.
Perhaps I should just ignore him telling me what to do in the contact book... and write down in my own notes every time she comes home from him on a Wednesday she has not been fed by him at dinner time and is hungry. But that will be the truth of it !?
I don't want to be petty I just want things to work for DD but he is the most impossible person to deal with and it's causing me so much stress and anxiety. Everything is much better when we have no contact at all & he has no way of getting to me but now he's been awarded shared care that is really hard 
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DDs Dad has her over dinner time but saying he won't feed her....
Falulah · 19/10/2018 21:24
Yes I know I need to go cold grey rock AGAIN. I always get lulled back in to niceties when he changes to the "good guy" act. And quickly snaps back to the bully when he doesn't get the attention he wants.
Good idea re: packed tea as that will make sure she stays awake in the car... and I know my friend does this for her kids when they are picking up older kids from activities late.
@Aprilislonggone - I am not trying to dictate what time she goes for a poo - I said she usually goes for a poo either before or during dinner - because that's when she NEEDS a poo, not me telling her to go then. Her own natural bowel urges 
ie. she is eating and suddenly she needs a poo so her dinner is kept warm whilst she goes to the bathroom then comes back and eats the rest. She has had an issue with holding in poo in the past and then it coming out when she is asleep and very distressing for her so I let her natural bowel urges dictate when she needs to go she goes and it's usually around dinner time like clockwork. Nothing I can do about it and this is why dinner time/bedtime routine often takes ages, hence starting to eat at 5pm. Most children after school are ravenous by 5pm & I think it is unrealistic for him to insist she waits until 5.45 just to be difficult & make a point that he thinks he can insist on whatever he wants & tell me to have her dinner ready by 5.45 instead of take care of it himself. Of course I am happy to have her dinner ready by 5.45 but I have already outlined the problems with this above. He feeds her snacks to keep her going as she's ravenous & then I make a whole dinner and she doesn't eat it or is too tired to eat properly at that later time. I know it's only 45 mins - 1 hour but it make a huge difference to her.
Re: going back to court - I would prefer he has her every Weds overnight but this is what he wants and he has insisted and had it ordered by court that he has her Weds & Thurs night week 1 and Fri, Sat,Sun nights week 2 with after school time on Week 2 Weds. Very complicated and DD is struggling with this back and forth. Before he moved closer to us and took me to court she was very settled with my house being her main home and she saw him regularly every other weekend & facetimes in between, but not back and forth overnights like he is insisting on now. I agreed to it in court to save the judge making a decision like 1 week with Mum/ 1 week with Dad as I knew DD would cope even worse with that arrangement.
I do not insist on anything except the parenting agreements we already made through mediation and in court order. I try to collaborate with him by sharing with him what her usual routine has been.
(He perceived this as me TELLING him what to do but...that's his perception because he is a misogynist & has a lot of anger and bitterness towards women, me in particular for leaving him after he was abusive & telling the truth about how he treated me. So he sees everything through these coloured lenses of bitterness. I am just trying to communicate what DD seems to need right now. He of course can do whatever he wants and ignore this information. Maybe I shouldn't communicate with him at all but I've tried to for DD. It benefits DD to have a consistent routine (especially because of her sensory issues) & she will be the only one who will suffer if he makes her wait for meals when she is hungry at 5pm. Eg. not co-sleeping with adults unless absolutely necessary eg. she's very poorly.
Oh end bit of my last post wasn't supposed to be there "eg. not co-sleeping with adults unless absoutely necessary..." That was supposed to be copied and pasted further up. As in, that's all I was wanting to be stuck to... as it's what we agreed in court. It is court ordered/agreed that she is fed a pescatarian diet. Because she didn't eat meat or like meat, hasn't done since she was a baby and he had been saying he would respect this & then secretly trying to feed her bacon which is incredibly salty for a child, and unhealthy. A group 1 carcinogen.
Regardless of whether anyone thinks that is controlling to prefer she doesn't eat meat, because that is my lifestyle choice & what I think is healthier for her, that is what was agreed in court and written in court order and was a compromise we came to.
I haven't told him what sweets to give her or not to give her as someone has assumed here. He was just "telling me off" as he thinks I deny her sweets - I don't - she ate a veggie percy pig on the way home from school today and a mini ice lolly. 
He just wants to find any excuses to find fault in me and blame me so that he can look like the good guy & he can paint me as a crazy controlling ex... his tactic to deflect against how abusive he was. Point finger at me and discredit me to everyone we knew instead. Just so many lies etc.
So these issues are just another way of him getting hooks into me and it's really sad and stressful when I just want what's best for DD and for him to leave me alone.
To be honest OP, you sound incredibly controlling about food. When your dd is on his time, he can choose to give her dinner whenever he wants. And sweets too if he wants. He’s her dad, Just let him get on with it. As long as she is fed, that’s all that really matters.
“You LET her natural bowel urges dictate when she goes” 
. She’s 5, what do you expect? Also v controlling.
The sleeping arrangements are more of a concern. Perhaps you could suggest that if nanny is staying, your dd could have an air bed on the floor rather than share her df’s bed.
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