Ex has to have drug/alcohol tests. Advice needed.

[JoJo2106]

Hey!

Need a bit of advice here cos I am well and truly pissed off.

My ex and I have been going through the family court since June. He currently has no contact with DS (age 1) and hasn't since April due to him trying to run off with him and then assaulting me. I ended the relationship when ds was only 2 weeks old as I was very unhappy for a long time and he drank every single day of our relationship which i completely hated. Final straw was him driving with ds in car early hours of the morning after drinking all night so i ended it. He also had a 25 year cannabis habit.

Anyways the court has ordered he has to have drug and alcohol tests done. I know he's stopped cannabis because I told him even before we went to court I'd get him drug tested which was stupid of me cos I've basically gave him the chance to stop but I know he'll go back to it once court is over. So drug tests will prob be a waste of time. But the alcohol is my main issue if I'm honest.

The thing that's pissed me off the most is these alcohol tests were first mentioned in court in June. Mentioned but not ordered at that point. Then we went back to court in August for another hearing and then the tests were ordered, bearing in mind he'd already had since June to cut down. Then fast forward to October the tests still aren't done. They have been purposefully delayed by him and his solicitor. He is clearly attempting to cut down so it shows a better reading but it'll be bullshit. I know him and I know how much he drinks and these tests will not be a true picture of his drinking. We were back at court last week and the court did ask why they haven't been done yet and have said they are to be done asap.

I have to pay for half of these tests which is a few hundred pounds. I am livid that he has basically been given the heads up in June that tgese tests were going to be done. They may aswell have said to him u are going to be tested so get yourself home and cut down. If these tests were done in June when they were first mentioned and going back 6 months, that would show a true reading.

What I would like to ask people though is how do I approach this when we are next at court because he had had since June to cut down and he has also delayed the tests for 2 months after they were ordered. I am worried that the court are going to praise him for cutting down and even my solicitor said that may happen but it is total bullshit. Once this is all over he will go straight back to how He's been for years and years. He is simply doing this to get access again.

Need to know how to broach this subject with the court because it will not be a truthful result. Can I use the fact he's delayed the test and the fact that he's had since June to cut down in my favour.

End of the day it's a safeguarding issue so it's very important to me and I am so pissed off these tests have taken months to happen!

[Tyksta]

@JoJo2106 I'm in a similar situation to you. The ex is being drug tested by hair 3cm hair strand test and thats the best one as it dates back 3 months and it brings up anything and everything.

Plus they do general testing throughout anyway so thsts something you should push for.

Push for parenting classes and demand that he undergoes a one recovery programme.

Hope this helps

[JoJo2106]

@Tyksta sorry I have only just seen your comment. Yes my ex is supposed to be having tests that go back 6 months but they still aren't done . Yes I will definitely be mentioning parenting classes as me and health visitor have already spoke about this aswell.

I am really looking for advice now on what to do next tbh. We are back at court in less than 3 weeks and these tests still aren't done. In the last court order from October the court had said the tests were to be done ASAP & the results filed to the court no later than the 16th November which is a few days before our next hearing. It's highly unlikely this is going to happen as the tests still aren't done let alone waiting for the results. These tests were first ordered in August and still waiting.

I would like to write a position statement for our next hearing but don't want it to sound too emotional because my anger about this will take over. Anyone have any tips of how I should word it? Also what will the court likely do about this in regards to him getting contact do you think? We are supposed to be back this month to see about a third party supervising contact for a few weeks as our local contact centre is closed. Then I think after this he is allowed to have ds (aged 1) on his own. I am not comfortable at all about this with no tests been done. Can I push for no contact at the moment because he has delayed this testing since August?

So very angry and frustrated. These tests were first mentioned in June but ordered in August, It is now November so it's obvious he has delayed and delayed to try and show a better reading as hes had months to cut down. But it won't be a true reading of how much he does actually drink normally. So frustrating

The court also said at the August hearing not to post stuff on social media as he had been posting stuff. And he has started again.

[Beginner2017]

Hi, I understand how you are feeling as my daughters dad is the same but he has not expressed any interest in seeing her thank god. I do fear this exact situation all the time if he was to change his mind.

I unfortunately had a 15 year cannabis addiction in the past and when I got pregnant I had to submit to drugs testing to comply with social services. It’s extremely unfair that as the mother it’s done as a matter of urgency with the threat of losing your child but when it’s the father it’s much more relaxed. Seems like discrimination to me.

I now work as a recovery ambassador for people seeking to tackle their addictions. I have studied programmes such as “caring dads” which aim to help fathers who want to tackle their abusive behaviour and past issues. I just wanted to say that for someone to abstain from their substance whether it be alcohol, cannabis or anything else, it’s extremely hard. I would not have much hope that your child’s father would be capable of this in his present mindset. Drugs testing is incredibly sensitive and extremely difficult to fake as it’s supervised and they even check temp of pee etc to make sure it wasn’t brought in your pocket!! I had quit cannabis 2 months prior, but the test was still showing up for THC because it takes so long to clear out of your system. This was just a urine test, blood, hair strand etc is even more difficult. I was buying my own tests from the pharmacy to desperately try everything to get this out of my system through exercise etc but it doesn’t work, if you have taken that drug in the past, you have to accept your fate, you are going to fail that test until a long enough time has passed. If someone has been using cannabis and especially alcohol every single day, it is highly unlikely they would be able to stop abruptly as this would need to be treated with medication and rehabilitation.

However you may not like what I have to say and it’s just my opinion, but if he did actually pass the tests then I would try to understand that he has clearly done a massive amount of work to get to that point and must love his child enough to change. Provided he is engaging with services and taking regular drugs tests and there are no further incidents then I would give him a chance to show he has changed. Realistically if he gets to that stage, there will be nothing you can do to stop him anyway as it’s going through the courts. It’s better to accept the situation for what it is and work together through the courts than try to fight it. I mean that for your own mental state and well being. I am currently going through the courts in regards to my daughter and have got a non molestation order in place etc due to previous abuse. I do however think that regardless of how much I hate him, If he was to do all the same hard work that I have had to do to beat his substance abuse, then it would be wrong of me to prevent access. I know it’s hard to imagine in his current idiotic and dangerous state, but people can change. I know that the one thing that stopped my 15 year addiction was the pure and immense love that I had for my daughter and the feeling that I would do anything in the world for her.

You also need to be aware that even if he fails the test, if he can prove he is engaging with services and reducing substance abuse, say not drinking when he has access etc, he may still get access. I think this is horrifying and don’t agree with it at all but unfortunately it’s common practise. I know a guy who is an alcoholic and has previously been charged with kidnap in regards to his son etc but now has him overnight once a fortnight despite his house being totally inappropriate environment. The law discriminates against mothers in many ways so the best thing you can do is try to not let it get to you “I must accept the things I cannot change” we both made children with b*stards but it’s a waste of energy to let them destroy us.

I really hope things are moving along with you with the courts as I am having the same issues with things getting dragged out and cafcass being incompetent.

Definitely agree he shouldn’t get access without passing the tests, however try to stay calm as that will give you the clear head to explain calmly what your concerns are. The courts are so used to hearing women making stuff up or acting out of emotion that they never give us the benefit of the doubt. Say you will only allow supervised access until you can be sure your child is in safe hands. They won’t be willing to have it on their head if they allowed something to happen.

[MonaChopsis]

JoJo2106 one other possibility is that he hasnt done the tests because he is still drinking - kind of a 'next month I'll stop drinking and then I'll do them' mindset, but next month never comes?

[Newmum1998]

Hi just wondering how you got on? I know this was a long time ago, but I’m in a similar situation myself at the moment. I hope you got a good outcome for your child.