My child won't accept me having a partner?? What do i do?

[dholmes2014]

Hi, this is the first time i have ever asked for advice like this but I'm stuck and have no idea where to turn. I am a single mother and have been since my son was born. His father does nothing to help and I accepted this. My son was born with talipese and I had a very bad birth which meant the first 4 years of his life we were in and out of hospital with not much contact with the real world. Another 6 years on and we pretty much still only spend time together only being apart for school and work. He is lovely and sweet and couldn't wish for a better son. But all the time spent together is starting to make him very clingy and bit possessive of me which is a worry. I have been dating someone and he has just broken into tears and said he doesn't want me to see him again or have any other contact with people because it means he will have to share my time. If he said he didn't like my boyfriend then fine it would not be a hard choice and I would choose my son over a man any day. But he likes him (obviously so do i) it's the fact it's not just him it's anyone. I don't know what I should say or do?? I tried to explain he has friends, so can mommy and its good to have friends. He doesnt get it and says he is happy with his friends and mommy no one else? How do I resolve this? Any advice would be grateful 🙏

[wonderandwander]

How long save you been with this guy?

[NotANotMan]

Does he have other family? Ever sleepover with friends? He needs a wider circle and community so as not to be so interdependent with you.

[dholmes2014]

We were seeing each other for 2 years then separated for a few months due to hospital stuff with me and my son, then for the past 4 months

[dholmes2014]

He has a lot of friends and goes for sleepovers and his friends come here

[Aprilislonggone]

He needs to be told in the nicest way you are entitled to have friends also.
Though on here you will likely be advised to stay single until ds has left home.

[dholmes2014]

I have tried to explain but he just doesn't want to lose his time with me, i have thought its because he doesn't get any daddy time, so I reassured him I would never leave and this didn't work 🤔

[CherryPavlova]

Long term and frequent hospitalisation does impact on children’s emotional development. That’s the reason for his clingy and immature behaviour.
Despite his talipes, you’d be doing no favours by allowing yourself to be manipulated in this way with tears and tantrums. He’ll get used to it if you hold firm. He cannot be allowed to rule your life as he moves into his teenage years.
Ignore protestations, accept he might not like the idea but tell him you are entitled to have friends too. Maybe set up a regular babysitter such as an older teenage boy who he can look up to.

[Honeyroar]

Your child cannot dictate who you see or hang out with. I would just laugh it off "don't be silly love, of course mummy can have friends too" and try and arrange some fun days out, perhaps your child, a friend or two of the child's and your boyfriend. Try and have some busy but fun activities together (perhaps things the child has always wanted to do?) to slightly distract him from "sharing mummy". And stop any "not allowing mummy to talk to the boyfriend when out", like grabbing mummy's hand and pulling her away or interrupting etc. Kindly but firmly. He's quite old for this behaviour,

[Singlenotsingle]

You'll have to take it gently and slowly, won't you? And certainly no question of bf moving in until DS has settled down.

[dholmes2014]

I will give another chat ago, parenting is difficult sometimes but the heartache is worth it when they tell you they love you. Thanks

[wonderandwander]

Did your child know him during the two year period

What is he like with your child?

[Prettyvase]

Put him first until he is emotionally stronger.

Surely that is not too much to ask.

[RoboJesus]

If I were you I'd take him to the GP to see if they can have him see a psychologist so he can process everything that has happened with him medically. It can be hard for anyone, but being so small sometimes it can impact you on a way that you can't verbalise, understand, or even realise.

[rainingcatsanddog]

How long has he known about your bf? Does he know that there was a break during the relationship?

My kids are over 12 and I'm single. If I told them that I had a bf, their initial reaction would be negative even though they are pretty independent and not clingy. They understand that I have adult friends and happily stay at home while I socialize with other adults.

[dholmes2014]

He did know him and got on great, my son for the time we didnt see him asked me where he was etc. Then suddenly today boom! I will have another chat and give him some time. Thanks for your replies, feel a bit better just venting my worries x

[donajimena]

pretty I'm sure OP always puts her son first. Her son goes on sleepovers. She's entitled to a relationship.

[Branleuse]

I think it sounds like it would be worth him having some sort of therapy to help deal with his feelings, as it sounds like the hospital stays might have given him abandonment or attachment difficulties.

I dont think you should stop seeing your partner, but I would definitely be gentle with your ds about it

[oldbirdy]

"it's not surprising you feel like that, you were poorly a lot when you were little and it's made us very close and I love you a lot. But this is not your choice to make. As well as being your Mum I am also Jane, and a grown up lady, and I am allowed to have my own friends just the same as you are. I will never push you too fast but I am not going to stop having friends."

[dholmes2014]

Thank you very much, I will definitely be taking the advice on board 👍

[EvaHarknessRose]

Just help him adjust to you dating - say you understand his feelings, your new friend is not going to take your time from him, just your free time, and you hope he will get on with him too. Tell him he will want to date in the future and he will understand then!

But please be clear that its up to you and you’re in charge - the last thing a child needs is power over their parents relationships (of course you might end it if it was not working for him, but no way should you tell him that, because then he will be hurt if he says it on a whim and you don’t end it, or guilty if he asks you to end it and you do).

[MumUnderTheMoon]

My dd and I have a similar relationship. It's always been just the two of us and she has complex additional needs and is very possessive of me and can try to be very controlling as well. If I'm talking to someone in a shop she'll just say " I don't want you to talk to them you're mine". I just tell her that it isn't up to her I can speak to whoever I like. I wouldn't over complicate things with your son it shouldn't even be a discussion, he doesn't hate this man he resents sharing you and will be like that with anyone. I think you should just keep seeing your bf and only mention him to your son of it directly affects him. Eg "(bf) is coming for tea tonight pick out a game to play" or something similar but keep time together for the three of you brief and build on it maybe even tell him how long he'll be there eg (bf) is coming at six he'll be here until 8 then it's bedtime?