He's run off with all the &€£¥# school uniforms

[Hullabalooo]

My DC started school three weeks ago. I bought the school uniform including 7 shirts, 4 school jumpers, 5 pairs of trousers and umpteen school socks.

His dad has him one night a week and EOW and in such a short time due to him not returning stuff we're now down to three pairs of socks, two jumpers and two shirts and three pairs of trousers.

I cannot afford to buy more yet want to avoid communication with ex if possible as he's been so unpleasant in general. What do I do? Anyone else had this issue?

[mathanxiety]

Send him a registered, return receipt letter directing him to return the school uniforms or pay you the entire cost of replacing them.

Then take him to small claims court if he refuses or won't respond.

[SD1978]

The one night a week- does he pick up the child from school? Or the EOW arrangement? I'd assume you could just send him in the same u inform on the one night a week. Can you get him changed before the weekend visit? How old is your son? Can he ask for/find the clothes himself? It's so frustrating when this happens!

[Hullabalooo]

Thanks for responding. @mathanxiety I don't want to escalate things if I can avoid it but the stress and cost is keeping me awake so I guess I'll keep that as s final solution.

[Hullabalooo]

Hi @sd1978 he does collect dc from school one night a week and eow so can't do anything about changing dc unfortunately.

[Hullabalooo]

Dc is turning 5 soon so can't really get him involved.

[SD1978]

What is he sending him back to school in? It's very frustrating. Would you be able to ask for them back to 'check sizes' or will it juts cause an argument?

[Hullabalooo]

Just random crap, some lost property jumper with another kids name in it and polyester top. I don't know if he's being crap or actually vindictive. Hard to tell with him.

[mathanxiety]

If your exH is unpleasant in general, I would assume he is doing this to spite you and he doesn't care what old rags his own DS wears as long as he can poke you in the eye.

There is nothing to be gained from tiptoeing around this sort of man except stress (and expense).

I honestly would go the 'official' route, and do it soon.

List the missing items, price each thing, send a bill along with a request to either pay in full or return everything in the new condition it was all in when you last saw it (it should all be like new as it's only about 5 weeks old).

If you wait too long to do this, your Ss won't have uniform to wear plus your exH will take great delight in ruining the clothes before sending them back, and he will claim normal wear and tear is the reason for the state they are in .

[mathanxiety]

Your DS, not SS.

[mathanxiety]

He is doing this because he thinks he can get away with it. Small claims court would show him otherwise.

[Hullabalooo]

I bought a whole new uniform this week. I couldn't face dealing with him.

I thought it was all supposed to be covered by maintenance. Which is what I imagine he'd argue. He is also a serial denier I.e. I don't have that. You're imagining things. Have you looked at home etc passive aggressive stuff that makes me frustrated and full of rage.

What can I realistically do?

[CoffeeAndWifi]

Yes, I have had the same thing with XH. He doesn’t see them at the moment so it’s not an issue currently (going through court, safeguarding concerns, but will definitely ask to have a stipulation that he returns their things when he starts having them again).

It wasn’t just uniform, he would keep anything and everything I sent. Initially I was having to pack them a weekend bag as he refused to buy them clothes that fit for at his house. He would keep their coats, shoes, even medication. Eventually I refused to send stuff with him but that caused issues as well.

So frustrating and expensive. I definitely think it was done on purpose. Anything to make my life harder and force me to spend money I don’t have. He is never able to make the link between his actions and the DC’s suffering.

I don’t know how you resolve this one but I like pp’s Suggestion of some kind of agreement. Although I get the whole thing of not wanting to provoke a reaction. It’s so hard coparenting with men like this.

[CoffeeAndWifi]

Could you number the uniform pieces so at least you know which ones are missing?

[Soubriquet]

Could you meet with your sons teachers, explain the situation and then arrange to have him change into his own clothes in the toilets before he goes home. He then leaves his school uniform at school and you can collect the next day?

[Saladd0dger]

My ex used to do this and give our daughters uniform to his children 😡
In the end I ended up collecting her from school and putting her in old clothes and he collected her from home. Was a pain in the bum having to deal with him picking up from mine but it stopped the school uniform issues. He just kept stealing her socks and knickers instead 😡

[headinhands]

Just take a friend and knock when he's in. Signed for letters and small claims court at this stage? Jeez.

[Hullabalooo]

So crummy that this isn't an uncommon issue. Such a pain in the bum and really stressful.

A friend took a photo of my dc at a kids party last weekend that ex took him too (which I'd arranged) and he'd put him in clothes that I'd bought when he was 3. He's now turning 5. The trousers were by his ankles and top by tummy. So shameful. He earns 36 k upwards a year and wears posh clothes himself but can't buy his child anything.

[mathanxiety]

You are going to have to grasp the nettle and confront him.

Do you have a court ordered visitation arrangement or is it informal?

If you have a court ordered visitation schedule, you can go back to the court and petition for the items to be sent home or for exH to provide financial compensation if the items have been damaged or lost at his place.

If you don't have a court ordered visitation then don't send DS any more. Tell exH if he wants visitation then he has to provide adequate clothing and other necessities for him to use and wear during visits (does DS even have a toothbrush, bed, bedding?)
Keep that photo of DS at the party as an illustration that DS is being neglected.

Neglect may seem a strong word here, but this is what it is, and your DS will not benefit from contact with his father under these conditions. If you are not obliged by a court order to send him, then don't. Make exH go to court to get a visitation schedule, and when you are standing in front of the judge tell him or her about the uniforms, the clothes that are several years too small, and any other details you can find out such as pajamas, toothbrush, bed, bedding.

Making a child wear clothing that will provoke mockery is a horrible thing to do to a child. Putting a child in a position where he has to wear uniform from the lost and found or face a school sanction is cruel.

[Hullabalooo]

@mathanxiety it's an informal agreement

[Hullabalooo]

Just don't want it to go to court.. don't think I can cope with even more stress.

[HollowTalk]

If my ex had done that, I would have turned up at his workplace at lunchtime and asked to speak to him. Then in front of the receptionist I would have told him very clearly to bring the uniform back. For my XH, saving face was everything.

[Sedona123]

Everything that Mathanxiety has said. It is neglect. If he can't even be bothered to take 5 minutes to order online a few clothes that fit, I dread to think about what else he's failing to provide for your DS.

As much as you don't want to go to court, you can't just do nothing about this. You should probably start by emailing him and explain that he is neglecting and embarrassing your DS by failing to provide adequate clothes, and that he needs to sort this out (and return his missing school uniform). If he ignores this, then please put a stop to the visitations.

[Branleuse]

could you change the agreement to a weekend day?

I think a text asking for all school uniform to be bagged up and returned with the child, or for you to be reimbursed for the cost, whatever he prefers.

[Fiffyshadesofgreymatter]

@Hullabalooo

This is going to be harsh but I'm not sitting here judging because I've been through it and honestly, I could have killed him on a number of occasions for his little vindictive and spiteful actions which left the children being embarrassed. I know how you feel so please don't take this as an attack.

You're stressed and don't think you can handle more, but as the only responsible parent who cares about your son's wellbeing, it's your job to deal with this and take the stress. You need to take action. A formal letter with a request for all clothing to be returned. Every time he is going to his dad's from school, include a list in his bag with every5bing he is wearing and taking. Photography the list and email it to your ex. All items mist be returned or paid for.

You need to take a hard line on it. If he resists or argues you simply say "I am not going to engage in an argument. You need to do this because he is rubbing out of clothes at home". Repeat, repeat, repeat.

If he does anything then you go to a solicitor. Then to court. But you need to be hard about it. And the stress is just something you need to bare. It's awful. And you shouldn't need to do all that and feel that way, but either you do or your son suffers. You will get through it though, and that's what you focus on.

[mathanxiety]

Hullabaloo I highly recommend you phone Women's Aid and describe your situation to them.

0808 2000 247 is the number. Leave a message and they will call you back.

If you find it too stressful to approach him, you need support, and you may be better able to do it with hand holding from WA.

But please don't let this thing slide. You are dealing with someone who will keep on spiting you by means of contact with your child, and things will only get worse unless you are able to defend your child, with the child bearing the brunt of it unfortunately.

The damage to the self esteem of a child who is used as a pawn by an angry and selfish man is very hard to repair.

You as the loving, available and non-terrifying parent will be the one who experiences the fallout of this treatment by his father when he gets older.