Anyone awake I’m so upset

[GEM33]

I am once again after another awful encounter with my ex so upset and feeling overwhelmed that I’m stuck with him. I’ve got a child with the devil himself.
My dd is my world. To him she’s a burden and a two night a month obligation to get out of the way. Our encounters regularly end up with arguments and I want to stop him from coming to my front door so we never have to speak to each other again but how. He’s not an active father. He couldn’t give a toss about his kid. I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious becasue I’ve got another 9 years of this. I take it by the time dd is 16 she can sort her own contact out and see herself off to him so he doesn’t step foot on my property and I won’t be subject to his emotional abuse.
I feel trapped becasue I can’t escape him.
Dd doesn’t want to go and begs me not to send her but I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. (No court involved contact under his terms and conditions and he refused to have her more often when he left 5 years ago).

[HirplesWithHaggis]

Could you arrange handovers to be in a neutral place? What would he do if you refuse to hand her over, or just weren't in when he calls? (Can you move? I suppose might be a follow up question to that...)

[Shinesweetfreedom]

Daft question.
If she don’t want to go and he is not bothered why is she still seeing him

[Snipples]

Hi OP. I'm awake. I don't know a massive amount about this stuff but to be it seems like going down the legal route is your best option. They can help formalise arrangements. If he is abusive to you they can also help with setting a drop off/ pick up arrangement where he doesn't hang around and harass you afterwards or poss a contact centre maybe?

What is he doing when he picks her up? Could you have anyone with you during these times? Is he paying you child support?i think the main issue is that it's all on his terms atm - once this changes to what works better for your daughter (and you) this will change. Keep a record of everything as this will help you. And good luck.

[Charliethefeminist]

Can you do one week saying she's ill, and gradually break the habit and stop it altogether. He'd have to push for it and request it. If there is no court order, why don't you stop.

[Rainbowqueeen]

I'm sorry that this is upsetting you so much.

There are things you can do though.

PPs suggestion of doing hangovers at a neutral place is a good idea. So is just not sending her. Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child. The downside of not sending her is that your ex may apply to the court and might get even more contact than he currently has but that is something you need to weigh up the risk of.

I would also consider getting a separate email account just for him and using that and nothing else to communicate with him. Could you get a third person to do the handovers?

DDs feelings will be taken into account from about age 12 so you may have far less interactions with him than you think.

In the meantime I would go and see your GP about how you are feeling and how DD is feeling. Get it documented by a neutral party how this is affecting the both of you. Also keep a diary of all communications between you if you don't do the email and third person handover route. Keep really good records.

There are ways round this.

[thefourgp]

I’ve got the exact same problem OP. I’ve been to a solicitor and cannot get a court order because you cannot force an adult to see their child if they don’t want to. You can only get one if the other parent is refusing access. He mucks me and the kids about on a regular basis and there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it. It’s infuriating. I had to get the police to stop him turning up at my door at all times if the day. I now drop them off in front of his house and refuse to get out the car or engage with him in any way unless I feel I absolutely have to. It’s awful and you have my sympathies. X

[Nightwatch999]

Look OP, if your twat of an ex can't be arsed to see his DD, and she does not want to go, there is your answer!

If he kicks up a fuss tell him to get a Contact Order from the Court. Do not let him come to your house. He sounds like he thinks he can say what he wants and gets his own way.

[GEM33]

Ive always thought it was important she had a relationship wth her dad but recently I’m wondering if it’s doing her more harm emotionally. (He’s never be physically abusive I don’t think)
I know he Really hates me though and I’ve always known that if he can do anything to get at me he would. This is a man who I told his dd was in hospital really poorly and he never came to see her. Didn’t phone for an update. Dd is starting to see through him and hence why she doesn’t want to go. if I don’t send her he’ll accuse me of being a bad mother for stopping his contact.
He regularly doesn’t want to have her when she’s had a slight cold. Refused to have her many times. It’s all in his terms. Everything. And no he doesn’t pay maintenance. I have to give all clothing back he’s bought her over five years today. This was his latest demand. Luckily this is only six items which some don’t fit anymore anyway.

[GEM33]

Thank you for all your posts. It’s good to have sympathetic “ear/eyes”.
So only 5 years until she’s 12. Seems a bit more doable. 😓
Anyone would think I was the one that had run off with someone else the way he treats me.

[Nightwatch999]

You need to contact CsA and get maintenance for your DC. He knows you get upset by him so he says crap to upset you. Time you took control back.
If your DD is12 she is old enough to make her own mind up about seeing him. So let him contact her directly.

Ignore and block him, document everything and stay strong in getting CSA involved, do not listen to his threats/sob story's once he knows you have applied.

[Nightwatch999]

Cross post re Age. Just let him contact you through email only. And remember you do not have to respond or dance to his tune. ❤️

[GEM33]

Thanks guys. I feel better. Thanks for being there for me. X

[HirplesWithHaggis]

Definitely apply for maintenance. With luck, he'll vanish off in a huff, and neither of you will have to see him again. You might even get some cash out of it.

It might also be worth having a look at Women's Aid's Freedom Programme, I believe you can do it online. He's still abusing you.

[civicxx]

Have you tried telling him that she doesn't want to go? I can't imagine what it must be like. My daughter doesn't see her dad so I can't offer much advice however you shouldn't be intimidated ever let alone on your doorstep I would seek some legal advice about that. Hope you are ok x

[MrsPworkingmummy]

Please contact the CMA OP. He must pay maintenance - they can take it directly from his wages if needs be. I would also stop contact until you've been to court. Cafcass would likely get involved. They would speak to your daughter and conduct a wishes and feelings report - her feelings would absolutely be taken into account, particularly if she doesn't want to go. Have you received counselling to help with his emotional abuse? You need to be strong here. DO NOT accept his control of you. This is not good for you or your daughter. Text him now saying future contact will be stopped until you have received legal advice and have spoken to the child maintenance service. Explain that you do not want him to visit your property. He is not welcome and police will be contacted if necessary if he attends. Try to be cold and unemotional. He also needs to buy clothes for her the absolute idiot. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you a huge hug.

[Pixiedust2017]

I agree with pps. If she doesn't want to go and he doesnt want to see her just stop the visits. You arent hindering contact if he genuinely doesnt want it...

[GEM33]

She told him herself she was happy to go but didn’t want to stay and wanted to come home after dinner. He said “do what you want” he said it viciously. He never hugs her and says he’s missed her when he collects her. He just stands with his back to the door until she goes out of the house. I find his behaviour as a parent to a child extremely cold and alien to the way I treat,love and adore her.
No way would I apply for maintenance it would be a can of worms. I’m never ever asking him for anything ever again. Life is happier like that. Just the sight of him sends me to jelly with fear. My insides lurch on seeing him and until she is brought home again I’m always fearful until she’s back safe.

[GEM33]

I’ve given him the clothes back. He said he needs them at his house. (I do send her immaculately dressed and with a suitcase of clothes to change) he was just making a point about taking them back.

[Nightwatch999]

OP you really need to address the circle of fear he holds over you. You are that scared you dare not apply for CSA for your DD because of the repercussions? No no no. Please speak to Woman's Aid Asap.

Your Ex is abusing you. He can be made to pay you without any threats. A Non Mol order and a Prohibited Steps Order will stop any further abuse. You are entitled to that money for your DD. Please try look up help in RL.

[Zoflorabore]

Oh love I've been there and it's hard to believe me but the years go so fast and she won't have to go forever.

My ds is now 15 and I separated from his dad when he was just turned 2. Things were bitter and nasty for a long time. He put girlfriends first, was constantly criticising me and ds hated staying there but his dad bribed him with a season ticket for their premier league team so then ds thought he was fantastic.
He didn't provide so much as a pair of pyjamas for him though has always paid maintenance.

When ds was 8 he was diagnosed with ASD. His dad was at the meeting with me when we were told but still refused to acknowledge it. Relations were better at this point but he was still an arse.
Ds asked me once how old he would be before he got to decide if he stayed or not and I said 13, he was around 10 at the time.

So 13 came and ds said he still wanted to see his dad but not stay. Ds's dad does not have parental responsibility as ds was born just before the law changed so for the last 2 years he goes there but doesn't stay over.

Their relationship was never close but in the last 2 years it has flourished. He took ds abroad this year, we got on well and things are ok. I would never have believed that all those years ago.

It's so tough. The other reason i responded is that i have a 7 year old dd too so could imagine how you feel. If her dad continues the way he is then the loss will be all his. Dd is very lucky to have a lovely mum.

Very best of luck op, relax and breathe

[GEM33]

Zoflorebore. Thanks. Same here. He left when she was two. He left his first kid when he was two as well. (Also for someone else he’d already started seeing same as in my case) he hasn’t been a good dad to the first either. Even worse for my dd. I’m sorry sick becasue dd goes and she says he won’t let her contact me and she cries at night and misses me but he won’t let her come back but I can’t do anything to stop this for her. I feel helpless.

[Shinesweetfreedom]

Why are you letting her go then.
Think you need to speak to women’s aid.
She don’t need him in her life.He sounds a nasty prick.
She has seen enough of him to know that is no loss