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DC dad spoiling them

(14 Posts)
zozozoo Wed 05-Sep-18 13:08:54

While in his care they eat lots of sweets, play PlayStation, do expensive fun activities and rarely have to clean up after themselves.
When at home we go to parks, play board games, eat healthily on the whole and all have to chip in with keeping the house clean.

This is resulting in behaviour issues at home where I am mean and daddy is the only nice one.

I am finding myself unable to enact proper consequences for bad behaviour. E.g. ask them to give me their money (about £2 each) to pay towards a replacement for the expensive thing they've stupidly broken and it doesn't matter because they have plenty more money at their dad's. It's less than he usually gives them for sweets...
No screen time? There's always PlayStation at daddy's house.
Unlikely to now be able to go on holiday because the things they have broken really are that expensive? It's ok daddy is taking them on holiday anyway.
Not taking them out for lunch now? It's ok daddy always takes them out to eat...

How do I deal with this?? I'm so tired lately I'm just reacting a lot of the time instead of biting my tongue and being mature which clearly doesn't help.

Please give me some wisdom

OP’s posts: |
Boysmomma Wed 05-Sep-18 13:16:28

My DC's dad does this. He pays shag all in maintenance and could never be bothered until I left him and now he's Disney dad.

You can't control what he does with them in his time. The only advice I can give is stay the course, you are teaching them life skills, and consistency.

I feel your pain and frustration, I could have written that post myself. It's the attitude when they come home, for about 24 hours they can be horrible and nasty constantly arguing. it passes, we get back into the routine, but the eldest especially is responding with "I don't care cause my dad does x,y,z" or "my dad's so cool and you're mean, he let's me do whatever I want". It's exhausting actually parenting which is why mine (and yours) don't bother. Anything for a quiet life and all that.

flowers for you x

Septembermummy1 Wed 05-Sep-18 13:25:49

Unfortunately you can't control what he does with them. If you have a good relationship with him for the sake of the kids maybe speak to him about the sweets and junk food. When they're older they'll understand that you making them eat healthy and making sure the behave and take responsibility was in their best interest. thanks

pearfect Wed 05-Sep-18 13:32:16

Could there be an element of your DC playing you off against each other too? Not trying to play down your issues or anything, just a different perspective.

I know my DC does this to try and get their own way or to try and upset me when I am cross with them or whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is take stuff they say with a pinch of salt, I do now, and it makes my life less stressy.

zozozoo Wed 05-Sep-18 13:38:59

We don't have a good relationship unfortunately @septembeemummy which is why I'd like to find a way to deal with things that doesn't involve needing him to cooperate.
flowers for you too @boysmomma. It's good that you have time to get back into a routine at least

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zozozoo Wed 05-Sep-18 13:53:25

@pearfect yes my eldest certainly says the most hurtful things she can think of to upset me when I am cross with her. I can take some of it with a pinch of salt sure and always try to discuss it after, but it's (thankfully only sometimes at the moment) being laughed at when I ask them to go to their rooms after an incident because... daddy and 'I'm telling daddy on you'... Then they run off to the park
That's more of an issue. I am being undermined in my ability to parent them. I just want them to be decent people who understand that there are consequences to actions fgs.

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Aprilshowersnowastorm Wed 05-Sep-18 13:56:36

My ex was like this.
Until ds's hit 12+14 and decided they wanted a proper parent.
Nc with their df now.
I never had cash to spend either, wanted polite, unbratty dc who respected me +others.
Well got all that now and ex got fuck all.
Ds's never been happier - their words.

HairyAntoinette Wed 05-Sep-18 14:00:14

Mine whinge at me all the time for lack of playstation. Go to their dads and mainline it. Then come back and whinge they got too much PlayStation and shit food and they're bored with it!

statetrooperstacey Wed 05-Sep-18 15:06:26

They probably give him grief too op if it makes you feel any better! I would imagine life isn't actually all roses at their dads. However, being kids and being shrewd they have realised the have another weapon in their arsenal ans now another stick to beat you with!smile
The will have noticed this pushes your buttons so will play on it.
Tell them it's hurtful when the say these things and how would they feel if you kept telling them you liked their friends more than them. Ask them what they would feel like if you kept saying ' I wish * Chloe was m daughter and not you, Chloe is always polite and kind and helpful, and she's really good at everything and never rude, I bet it would be lovely to have Chloe as a daughter inatead'. tell them it's unkind and makes you feel sad.
Then as a pp said take it with a pinch of salt.
Or call theee bluff and ask them if the would like to live with there dad and see You less . I bet their arses fall out!

statetrooperstacey Wed 05-Sep-18 15:07:42

Do excuse my tiny keyboard and sausage fingers.

mummmy2017 Wed 05-Sep-18 18:59:50

Stop worrying.
Tell them PlayStation. Is a daddy thing.
When they break something, let them see it go in the bin, when they ask where X is, say you broke it remember.
The thing is children like being home and will want what is in front of them, so if your baking they want to help, if you let them play outside they do enjoy it. But they will try to guilt you, just shrug... Don't engage, it takes two to argue.
Oh and use the loo. If things get hard, walk away go the loo, even if you don't need too..
Breather regroup and just carry on.

HairyAntoinette Thu 06-Sep-18 21:07:45

I've just had an epiphany. I took them to the swimming pool as they had lessons in summer hols. Lessons arranged and paid for by me. Tennis lessons arranged and paid for by me... Climbing lessons, horse-riding, survival camps et Al.

I hope these are the things they will come to value over a happy meal and a PlayStation game. We are bringing them up as citizens... Not couch potato spoiled brats!

Whoknows11 Thu 06-Sep-18 22:30:40

I could have written this too!

However now we have sky sports (streamed through a friend’s sky package, not even suggested/offered by their own father’s sky account especially as he knows they’d love to be able to watch football at home) and Santa is buying them a play station for Xmas the novelty of Disney daddy I’m sure will wear off!

Just a shame he isn’t interested in teaching the eldest to ride a bike or contribute to the youngest learning to swim.

The small and big things I hope they’ll grow up appreciating about how their Mummy brought them up by herself. And grow up respectful young men who would NEVER treat a woman the way their father treats their mother!

zozozoo Sat 08-Sep-18 18:12:21

Thanks guys ugh it's so hard

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