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Feeling sad for my children

(14 Posts)
unexpectednewstart Tue 07-Aug-18 16:25:21

My husband and I are on the road to divorce. We're currently living apart and I can't see any way of salvaging things. He is being investigated by the police for something quite serious and has told me some big lies. Despite the stark facts, I feel so sad for my children, this isn't the life I imagined for them. Can anyone tell me stories of hope?

Seniorschoolmum Tue 07-Aug-18 22:59:11

You husband’s problems are his, not your dcs.
Kids are incredibly resilient so they will be absolutely fine. As long as they have a consistent, loving anchor ( ie you) they will just get on with their lives
My ds can’t remember living with his dad, we left when ds was three, and he takes the lack of paternal attention in his stride because I do my best to fill the gap.
I wish things could have been different too but being on my own is no reason for ds to be disadvantaged because his father isn’t there much.
I’ve had to learn all sorts of things, bike maintenance to martial arts, and I haven’t hit anything that is impossible yet. smile

unexpectednewstart Wed 08-Aug-18 14:48:55

Thanks senior . Interesting that your DS doesn't remember. My DS is also 3 and currently misses his dad a lot. Did the memory of living together fade with time?

Seniorschoolmum Thu 09-Aug-18 16:59:11

By the time ds was 6, he had forgotten ever living with his dad

To be fair, my ex was never around much, he would leave before ds was awake in the morning and get home after he was asleep. On Saturday mornings he was out playing sport and then shopping so he only really spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday in the same house. And he wasn’t a very hands on dad.
When I moved home (80 miles) with ds, my ex chose to come and see him every Sunday. Ds gets more of his time and attention, and has a better relationship with his dad because there are no distractions.
I give over my sitting room between 9.30 & 6, and leave them to it. Oddly, it works better. They play chess, go to lunch. That would not have happened before.

Starlight345 Thu 09-Aug-18 21:47:43

I think it is a matter of realising when we got pregnant and the life we give our kids is very different, sometimes because we never imagined some of the things we say because you didn’t imagine your perfect child doing them , some we adapt because of our children’ personality, some because of desperation for sleep and some simply because they make our children happy.

My point been life is never as we planned it however that doesn’t make it worse simply different. My Ds was planned for 4 years. I have raised my Ds myself for the last 8 years . I am sure we are both happier than if we had stayed with his dad.

JeanLouiseAKAScout Thu 09-Aug-18 21:51:25

You can plan all you want, but life throws a curveball. Give yourself time to adjust, and even on the days you feel crappy inside, be strong for your kids and they will feel secure that all's fine.

unexpectednewstart Sat 11-Aug-18 09:18:00

It's definitely a curveball! Don't think I've ever used that phrase before this situation but it fits. Thanks for all your words of encouragement.

JeanLouiseAKAScout Tue 14-Aug-18 07:02:40

You absolutely have my sympathy. You need time to adjust too - this past few days mine had had a few days away with their dad and whilst we've talked and FaceTimed, I've missed them so much. I realised that I have spent a huge amount of time focusing on them I may have neglected my own recovery a little. They can become your anchor through the painful early days, and it's very easy to punish yourself with thoughts of failure and not being a good mum etc. I've wrestled with this and seem to do so more when they aren't here with me. It really does take a lot of time to focus on dealing with the loss of the old life, but you have to also look toward the new. Keep posting smile

Lovelymonkeyninetynine Wed 15-Aug-18 21:38:22

If it’s any comfort my mum was always a single parent and I am happy and as well adjusted as anyone else I think!
It was hard for her and she always felt guilty in the same way as it wasn’t the life she wanted for me but she was so strong and I still admire her so much for all she did on her own, especially now I have dc.
As a Pp said, you’ll be their anchor, you don’t have to be perfect just be there for them.

unexpectednewstart Thu 16-Aug-18 11:36:24

What makes it hard for me is that I grew up with parents who were very much a couple and my mum would talk about my divorced aunts and uncles as if they hadn't tried hard enough in their relationships. The reality I'm realising is that they must have been close to despair to give up hope of the family life they'd planned for their children. I have so much respect for them now, but still have this feeling I haven't tried hard enough.

unexpectednewstart Sat 18-Aug-18 21:23:36

Now I'm feeling sorry for myself. There's a good chance that my husband won't be able to contribute financially or logistically to the kids for quite a while due to his legal situation. At the moment I have the support of my parents but they are elderly and who knows how long they'll be fit enough to help. There's such a long time ahead to support the kids on my own, I feel scared.

Leesae Mon 20-Aug-18 00:01:33

My ex left 18 moths ago. My boys were 4 and 2 at the time. Now he has no contact. This wasn't the life I imagined for them either. I don't think anyone ever imagined themselves as a single parent. For a long time after he went, I felt really sad and scared. I didn't want to be a single mum. I'd imagined this perfect life for my children growing up. But you'll get through it. If you end up raising your children alone, you can and you will do it just perfectly. They have you, you're the most important thing in their life, and they will love you for it.
It may feel rubbish and lonely sometimes but the days where you see joy in your children's faces overcome that. They will love you no matter what

unexpectednewstart Mon 20-Aug-18 08:26:32

Thanks Leesae My kids are similar ages to what yours were when your partner left. It's hard work! How have you coped with the practicalities of it all? Do you work? I know it will be rewarding in the long run but it feels like a long slog ahead of me.

Leesae Mon 20-Aug-18 11:15:27

I'm very lucky and do have my mum to help while I go to work. I work 30 hours a week and the kids go to school/playschool then my mum picks them up till I've finished. I think if I didn't have work I would have gone crazy

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