DH committed suicide and I feel trapped

[Teandcake]

Hi everyone,

My DH had depression, became an alcoholic and in June 16 went into rehab. and last summer he committed suicide.

Then in November my DS tried to commit suicide at 17 and got heavily into drugs. He’s much better now.

My DD1 is 14. She kept everything in and has always been very self controlled. Then in March I met someone. He [post edited by MNHQ at OP's request] is a wheelchair user . He is someone who is kind and mentally strong in my life who gives me chance to breathe and re- build myself.
I see him maybe once a week, 2 if I’m lucky and often early on a weekend morning when the kids are still asleep so it doesn’t affect them.
The problem is DD1 went on my phone and found a text from him within the first week of me seeing him and she hates it. She always worried if she thought I was on my own with my DH in case we might kiss or hug.
Now me seeing my BF has tipped her over the edge . She says it’s like her bucket was already full with sadness, anger, guilt and this has made it all spill over. She’s taken an overdose when Ive been out with him. ( I had two children in hospital from overdoses in 1 week). She says she’s scared he’ll hurt her. Absolutely doesn’t want to meet him. She’s rung up repeatedly when I’ve been on dates. She’s become anorexic and she’s just started on anti depressants.
I honestly don’t know what to do. My family and friends all want me to carry on seeing him or they think she’ll always try and control my life. Every single doctor and counsellor that have spoken to DD say that I should keep seeing him or her fears will control her forever and she’ll think she can always control others.

When I’m talking to her I know that the right thing to do is to finish with him but then when I get back into my own headspace I know that having someone who cares about me is keeping me going.
I feel like such a bad, selfish Mum and I feel so lonely being a single parent.
Has anyone had any experience that could help me with this please?

[Potato2242]

No experience whatsoever but I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your daughter is scared of not having control because to her, her dad's left her and then her brother tried too so all male influences now are recognised as a bad thing. Maybe some therapy would help? But she is not right in thinking she can control your life. Your relationships are not dictated by her and being harsh, she has to learn to live with respecting boundaries (not going through your phone) and that she isn't the grown up and is still a child

[Scoopofchaff]

So sorry for your loss op and that you are through such difficulties now with your dc. It sounds v hard indeed.

You may not have realised, but you mentioned your daughter's name in your post and some of the things in your post are v identifying so you may want Mumsnet Towers to change it for you.

Wrt your DD; I don't have any experience to offer but in your shoes I would be following the advice of professionals and continuing with your relationship. Your DD is reacting to past events and if it wasn't your relationship that that this fear focused on, then it may well have been something else perhaps?

I hope things improve for you and your DD soon.

[Teandcake]

Thank you potato and scoop for your kind words. She is having therapy but I think it will take a while.
I have contacted Mumsnet about editing the post I hope they let me- I’m very new to this!
I’m just so fed up of constantly asking myself what’s the best thing to do.

[user103847]

I've debated many ways of writing this, and I'm just going to try and ask it ... please forgive me if this is a terrible thing to do.

"She kept everything in and has always been very self controlled ... She always worried if she thought I was on my own with my DH in case we might kiss or hug. ... she’s scared he’ll hurt her."

It's just that this sounds like it began before your DH died.

Is there any chance, even a tiny one, that your husband harmed her as a child?

I'm so sorry for asking if that's a hurtful question. It just sounds really similar to what I've read about from children who've been abused. The other parents often don't know.

[Babymamamama]

So sorry for your loss and your challenges. I don't have specific advice except make the most of all help available. In my opinion you should be able to have a relationship. I can see it is difficult for your daughter to accept though. Hopefully others with more concrete input will be along soon. Sending you hugs meantime.

[Maryzsnewaccount]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Can I suggest you post in relationships, there are some really wonderful posters over there who might miss this here.

I think you can only carry on as best you can, and follow the professional advice. I know when ds was very troubled, my greatest fear was that he would kill himself, but I also know that had he been determined to nothing I could have done would have stopped him.

You have to look after yourself, harsh as it sounds. You could give up on seeing your friend, you could stay with your dd every single hour of every single day, you could put your entire life on hold, and in the end, if she was determined to harm herself she would do so. If doctors are telling you to keep having a life, then you must. You can't, no matter what, be 100% responsible for the outcome for your children, just as you weren't in any way responsible for the death of your husband.

The "oxygen mask in an aeroplane" analogy comes to mind, and it's something that was said to me by many professionals including counsellors. A parent must put on their own oxygen mask before doing so for their children on a plane. In the same way you have to look after yourself so that you are physically and mentally able to look after your children. It's not selfish to put yourself first sometimes; it's essential.

[Teandcake]

Hi user please don’t feel bad saying that. it’s true that although I used to talk to the kids every night about their day and if anything had upset them they couldn’t tell me till after he’d left that he scared them.

My DS said his Dad hit him once and my DD said he grabbed her arm. He was also quick to shout at them. It makes me so sad that I didn’t know.

Thank you Mary, I do try and tell myself that and in the end I managed to let go of my DS a little and try not to panic when he ran off. He proved to me that he could bring himself back in one piece. For my DD I Just have guilt that I am making things worse for her but here I am today giving into my guilt and I’ve been useless. I’ve felt so low and sad I haven’t had the strength to help her. The oxygen mask is such a good analogy.