Does have a newborn get easier !!?????

[Motherofpearl19]

I'm kind of a single parent as the father of my 4 week old baby is abroad and has visa issues - not sure what will happen in terms of us.

But my question is this - when does being a mum get easier?

I wanted to be a mum more than anything and was so happy to discover I would be one (even though it was unplanned, and a scary prospect as father is not in this country). Pregnancy was amazing! I felt confident about the future and have been and still am so supported by all my incredible friends.

My baby girl is just 4 weeks old and so I know I'm being a bit hasty here - but oh my god, I'm finding it hard. A lot of the time I think she's very sweet, but more of the time I'm finding it overwhelming and stressful! I naively just didn't realise what an adjustment it would be. I don't feel like I can get anything done because she wants to be fed ALL THE TIME (I'm breastfeeding and I guess she likes little and often), or she won't let me put her down. I know she's soooo little and she needs needs me more than ever but I sometimes feel at the end of my tether, which is a horrible feeling! I think she's having a growth spurt and / or a developmental stage where she is very clingy but even knowing this doesn't make it easier - when like today she is latching on and off every 30 mins and screaming if I pop her down to go to the loo!

Rather than seeking advice about feeding and attachment etc, I'm really just wondering when things will feel a bit easier? I.e when have you found your baby to develop a bit of a feeding pattern for themselves. It's probably worth saying now, I don't believe in leaving her to cry at this stage or trying to impose a routine for her when she is so little.

I do see friends often as they come to visit, but obviously I'm by myself most of the time. I guess not having a partner here in the evening makes a difference as that would break up the day a bit. But how can I feel less frustrated with my sweet little baby - who needs me so much to be more relaxed and patient. I want to feel more bonded with her and can't believe I don't feel happier :(

[Dscarl07]

It does get easier! You have probably heard/read that 1000 times but it really does.

At the moment you’re doing this on your own, you and your body have gone through a massive change and on top of all this you have someone little to look after.

Is there anyone that can help maybe? A family member/friend stay over for a day or two? Just to help you feel a little back to normality again and to try and get some rest. Also, have you tried to express?

Hold in there. You’ll blink and she will be toddling around entertaining herself

[Motherofpearl19]

Oh thank you! Yes I have heard it before but it helps to hear it again!!! I just can't believe how awake she is today and how often she wants feeding. It's literally constant! If she drifts off I'm like wooooooo, but then she wakes 10 mins later.

I have a friend coming tomorrow for the night so there is light!

[stressedtiredbuthappy]

Yes it gets easier!! But did you really think having a baby would be a walk in the park????

Everyone knows newborns are hard work with a partner, let alone without?(I'm a single mother by choice)

Amazes me the amount of ladies on here that expect to have a baby and that life will just pop back to how it was before!!?!?!

[HappyHedgehog247]

Hello

It gets easier. I promise! And there are always days that are hard like if you are both unwell at the same time, but overall it becomes easier. If stays all consuming though. I got into radio and have lots of friends I Skype or Facetime in the evenings x

[Motherofpearl19]

Ha! Well I guess I am one of those ladies!

It's not that I thought it would be a walk in the park, but I just doesn't realise howwww glued to the sofa I would be, without a chance to have a shower etc. I know what you mean, it's kind of naive of me, but I actually don't have friends with babies. My 2 best friends have 10 years olds and they said the first part is easy as babies sleep all the time! Hmmm, that was misinformation and they have since admitted they forgot!!!

[Motherofpearl19]

Thanks HappyHedgehog247, that makes sense. Hanging on in there :)

[flaofno]

I'm a single parent and had a really hard time of it when my DS was a baby but yes it does get easier. Inch by inch rather than step by step.

That said get yourself all the support you can. I've heard that Homestart offer volutneers to help people in similar situation with young kids and babies that are really good. Contact your local one. They might be able to come help around the house or give you a little break and you can talk to them for advice and support as well.

Also if you find yourself feeling down do contact your GP. PND can sneak up on you so easily esp when you're a lone parent. Getting support in place if it does is important. Even if you don't think it is PND just be aware and seek support if you feel low just in case. x

[flaofno]

Also it came as a huge shock to me how hard it was when I had a baby. When you don't have support it's much harder. I couldn't understand the myth of rainbows and love etc that's perpetuated somehow about babies. My experience was the complete opposite! Maybe it's a bit different if you have support, or experience of babies already but for a LP first child, really it is hard. That's why it's so important to get support wherever you can and make it that bit easier. and yes it does get easier.

[DailyMaiIisMyBogRoll]

Becoming a mother (even with a devoted partner to help out) is undoubtedly the toughest and most life changing thing I've done. The early weeks are overwhelming, but I really think that you'll feel more in control three months in. 12 weeks old was when my Dd seemed to settle down.

[Motherofpearl19]

Thanks Flaofno, yes some days I've felt like I'm getting the hang of it..but then I seem to go a few steps back. I do think the feeding thing has a lot to do with this and so I'm sure I will feel less tense when I have a little longer each day without my baby on my boob! I def have a touch of the blues, and gathered it's PND, which I assume is to be expected. Thanks for the reminder

[Motherofpearl19]

Yes, it is so difficult and the rainbows are a little fainter than expected. I agree that support is key, and unfortunately my parents are no longer alive. Like I said I am soooo lucky to have my friends but day in day out, it's mostly me and my god do I want to just call my own beautiful mum, or have her to stay!

[SpectacularAardvark]

I'd recommend a swing seat, strap the baby in and put it in the bathroom facing the shower, it's the only way I ever get a chance to get clean.
A sling is good too if you have one of those babies that won't be put down.
The sleep deprivation is the worst though, if you can survive that, you can survive anything. Best of luck!

[flaofno]

please do try Homestart! Just give them a call and see if they can help (not sure if there's a nearby one but look them up!). x

[OnTopOfSpaghetti]

Bit harsh @stressedtiredbuthappy The OP is in need of advice and reassurance, not a telling off
OP My eldest is 14 now but my goodness I remember the huge shock to the system when he was born! My memories of that time are of him mostly screaming and me not knowing what the hell to do with him! I wish MN has been around (or maybe it was and I didn't know about it?) anyway I remember feeling very lost and alone, and that was with my supportive DH around.
It will get easier, but it can feel almost impossible at times. Keep talking in here and asking questions, most people (ahem) are understanding and supportive. Good luck.

[RLOU88]

God this is me now, baby is 5 weeks old. Still shocked to the core. Watching with interest for people’s opinions. I’m on NO sleep empty :(

[pastabest]

I have a 17 mo, a 4 week old and a partner that works 10 hours a day 7 days a week.

It does get easier I promise.

Things that help:

A put down station in every room. Either a pushchair, or a bouncer etc somewhere you can dump a baby for a few seconds/minutes when you need to

A sling. Some babies just like being upright and on you. A sling deals with both these issues and leaves you with two free hands briefly.

Have a shower every day. Even if it's just 3 minutes long, wash your hair and have a good scrub. Breastfeeding makes you feel minging. Hairdryers either drown out babies crying or send them to sleep. I don't believe in leaving them to cry either but they honestly won't come to any harm if they cry for a couple of minutes while you shower.

Ditto vacuuming

Do something that makes you feel like a functioning human adult once a day. Have a glass of wine in the evening, watch a film, do a crossword, paint your nails etc ANYTHING not baby related.

Cry if things get too much. It's a great stress reliever and the baby doesn't care. Then do one of the 'adult human' things as suggested above. Or just dance to McFly videos on YouTube. Whatevs.

[PandaPieForTea]

Babies start to smile at about 6 weeks. I think this is because it’s about the time you are ready to run screaming because having a baby turns out to be harder than you ever imagined. Then they smile and it starts to feel a bit better.

With my first I’d say that about 6 months and things were going well. The first few months did feel like forever.

With DD2 it was all fine from about week 2 because I knew that she’d grow up just like DD1 had, so it all seemed to fly by.

[Wittow]

I was a single parent from about 6 weeks pregnant. It gets easier.....

But before that it is hard, relentless, tiring, exhausting, boring, all consuming and tedious.... with occasional glimpses of joy.

Are you getting out and about? Meeting other mums and babes? They are lifesavers...

[Ohyesiam]

Very helpful post stressed you are very supportive.

Op , having a newborn was one of the hardest things I’ve done, I felt like I was flailing through my days ina miasma of feeding and changing. One morning I fancied a walk, dressing us both, then with endlessly feeding and changing her it was 6 pm before I was ready! I felt such a failure.
But it really does get better, I promise. The 3 month mark was a big turning point with my first, but about 6 weeks with my second.

Just do what you need to do, I co slept( safely) for max sleep, and got a sling she could feed in which was a breakthrough.
Don’t be afraid to put her down on the floor and give yourself 10 minutes for a shower, I’m sure my second was happier for having to fit in, rather than me trying to meet his every need each minute.
Good luck op.

[Motherofpearl19]

Thanks @SpectacularAardvark, that's an idea. I've been trying the sling but in this heat it's not long before we both overheat!

@OnTopOfSpaghetti that's really honest of you, much appreciated! I find it reassuring to know that others have found it hard too - and even more reassuring that everyone says it's gets easier :)

@RLOU88 oh no!!!! OK, you need this thread as much as I do. What supportive ladies, it's very promising....

@pastabest Those ideas are amazing, love them all, so important! And OMG i want wine sooo much but am breast feeding sooo regularly I can't really. I will express in a week or two and have a few though - literally desperate for wine haha.

@PandaPieForTea I heard this about the smiling! Nature is so incredible. My little bubba Pearl has been smiling occasionally but I think it's wind at this stage. Can't wait for the real ones :)

[pastabest]

You can totally drink wine whilst breastfeeding!

You would have to be so shitfaced you were nearly dead before your breast milk would have the alcoholic strength of orange juice.

So drink wine and be merry.

[Motherofpearl19]

@Ohyesiam that's happened to me the past few days! I had the intention to get out but NOOOOO, baby had other ideas. Its so frustrating but I just keep telling myself, let her lead you, stop having an agenda at this early stage. If anything this is such a lesson in being patient and present in the moment - two things I probably needed to work on tbh

[Motherofpearl19]

@pastabest oh gawwwd, music to my ears. Controversial I'm sure but I like it runs downstairs to the fridge

[DamsonPie]

I managed to get washed by putting DS in a rocker next to the shower and singing nursery rhymes while I got washed. He’s 6 months now and I take him in the shower with me and sit him in a little plastic seat where he can be fascinated by the water spray.

As well as the rocker I also had a play mat with lights, music and dangly toys, which was a life saver. I put DS on it every time I needed 10 mins to eat.

Try to get out every day even if you only push the pram to the cafe. DS and I go to Starbucks and people watch out of the window. And get as much company as you can. It makes a massive difference having another adult there to talk to.

[Ohyesiam]

It’s hard to be patient and present with something that doesn’t suit you(me not you)! I hated the restriction of having no time, and all that hard work with nothing to show for it. You sound more patient than me.
But I got through, and you will too.

My dd is almost 14 now, and just amazing. The reason she didn’t want to be put down was because she really wanted to engage with the world and could only do it through me.
She’s still really engaged, sailing, climbing, caving, hillwalking, youth theatre, she’s never still for long.
I wonder if your dd will be the same?