How do you cope if the other parent isn't it your child's life?

[doihavetotryagain]

I was wondering how other parents cope if their child's other parent isn't in their life? How do you get over the guilt? Is your child ok, especially at school when most children have two parents in their life's?

Having a hard time recently with all of it.

[ParkheadParadise]

I just got on with it. Dd1's dad was never in her life. He refused to believe she was his(we were both very young). His family would walk by us in the street.
I didn't feel guilty, as I would never have stopped him seeing her it was his choice not too.
Dd wasn't the only one in school to live with just one parent. It was never a problem for her. She had my dad and brothers in her life.

[NotWeavingButDarning]

I don't feel guilty.

Children are very accepting of their own normal and don't seem to have any issues at school.

I am much more sensitive to being one of the only single parents than they are to only having one parent, I think.

[Starlight345]

I don’t feel guilty . W didn’t abandon my child.

As far as I am concerned my Ds has had to go through a grieving process . At times he has found it hard . He doesn’t understand that if his dad was in his life his life would be far more unstable . I just support him through that . Never tell him lies or his dad loves him but never slag him off either

[doihavetotryagain]

Thank you for the replies.

Just having a day overthinking things, but your all right it's their loss.

[ProudThrilledHappy]

Whenever you feel guilt, remember your child is better off with one good loving parent than with two parents, one of whom feels “forced” to be involved and isn’t really interested or capable of parenting properly.

I know people who are more emotionally damaged by having an unhappy or disinterested parent than people who grew up in lone parent families surrounded by love and respect.

[Domino20]

No I definitely don't feel guilty. I started using the phrase 'we don't have a dad in our family' if the subject ever comes up, which it rarely does. I've since heard him use this exact phrase (quite calmly and matter of fact) to explain his home situation if he's ever needed to. I definitely know my son is better off without the messing about that he'd be subjected to if his father was around.

[earlyOne]

I have one child born when I was 39 via IVF. Couldn't find a man in time so had to go it alone. trying for a second child via IVF now. My daughter has just started asking where her dad is. I say "you don't have a daddy, sorry" but in a sort-of light-hearted way. I dunno if i'm doing the right thing and cos I have to work and can't stay up too late anymore (I have to have half-decent sleep to prepare for IVF) I don't have much time to research it. I'm trying to get in touch with other women in my situation through the donor conception network and need to get back on fertility friends to get on their parenting board. It is a bit heart-breaking but I can't afford to feel like that in case she notices so I just move on....I have already processed some of my feelings about it in preparation. We have the Todd Parr book "The Family Book" that validates lots of different family types. This has been a hell of a lot more useful than other books specifically designed for her age group (she's coming up 3) and her situation (IVF baby to single mum) which focus on the IVF, if she's even capable of understanding IVF (she can't talk loads yet) I strongly doubt she gives a fuck compared to the fact that she doesn't have a dad.

I'd be really grateful for any advice. Another thing I did was point out the kids we know that don't have a dad in their lives.

We could definitely do with more books like the Todd Parr book, or even just books that aren't specifically designed to help kids with these issues, but happen to have households in them where there's just a mum and one kid.

[Frith1975]

I don’t feel guilty.

The ex husband chose to let my children down repeatedly, never contribute financially and keep his house so smelly and dirty that neither child wants to visit.

[MammyandAva]

Having the same dilemma to be honest, my little girl is 3, and has started asking about her dad who doesn't want to be involved.

I feel awful and sort of feel responsible as he didn't want to be with me so walked out of her life.

It's so hard on times

[Janandem]

I am really struggling with this at the moment. My ex remarried and lives the other end of the country. Three weeks ago he sent my daughter a text saying ‘bye’ because she didn’t wish him happy Father’s Day and now he has blocked her and won’t reply to any of her messages. She is devastated and i don’t know what to do. She already felt he didn’t love her and nothing I can say or do is helping. Advice gratefully received.

[sue51]

Janandem What a cruel and callous thing to do to your daughter. How old is she?

[Janandem]

15. She is completely devastated.

[sue51]

She is old enough to understand that she is in no way responsible for his actions. He is behaving like a child and using this not sending a card nonsense as an excuse to regecnt his daughter. It's a horrible thing to do. All you can do is show her your love and how important she is to you. 15 is a tricky age at the best of times and your ex is playing manipulative mind games with your DD. I don't think she has any apologising to do and would not encourage it. Is there any 3rd party (his mother or father perhaps) who can speak to him and make him see the damage he is doing to your DD.

[Janandem]

Sadly no as he cut them out of her life too. She got into a bit of minor trouble at school just before the summer and now blames herself for him walking away. I am at a loss as to how to make her feel any better. As you say, he is responsible for his actions but I worry about the long term damage from this.

[sue51]

Your ex sounds like a narcissist. I normally don't agree with the resident parent bad mouthing the NRP but in your daughter's case you case you may have to. There is a lot of literature on living with a narcissist that might make her see her dad and his behaviour are not related to anything she has done in the past. Have a look at the stately homes thread, there is a lot of advice there.

[Janandem]

Thank you - where is the thread? He is definitely a narcissist - have thought that for a long time.

[sue51]

You'll find it in relationships. It might be worth you posting there for more traffic.

[dilly123]

All I can say is it's get easier.. ds is now 6 & his dad has never so much as acknowledged him.. would (until I moved to a different county) walk past us in the street & not even blink!!
After about a year of this I found it too hard hence why I moved.. I could be out somewhere with ds & his dads family could be there & I couldn't say anything because he didn't want them to know.. the rejection of my ds hurt as he was innocent in all this. I thought for a while he might change & want a relationship with ds but he hasn't.
Moving away was the best thing I ever did & now it would be over my dead body if he wanted to see ds ..

[thenorthernsinner]

Dilly123 what did you tell your son when he asked about his dad?

[allflownthenest]

jandendem, my exh cut my daughter off when she was 17/18, they never had a good relationship, we split when dc were about 2 1/2 and 3 1/2. I'm afraid it will take your dd time to come to terms with it. My dd is now 28 and happy. Exh still occasionally talks to ds but is not reliable, makes empty promises and also hasn't spoken to his dm in many years.

doihavetotryagain just what pp says children are resilient and will survive, I made sure my dc had a relationship with their df and didn't bad mouth him in front if them. If it's not possible for your dc to have a relationship, try and keep the door open so your dc has positive reaction if dd does get in touch down the line