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Please will you tell me your positive stories on 50:50 living arrangement?

(26 Posts)
limon Fri 13-Jul-18 09:58:42

It's all a bit raw atm as stbx is moving out as soon as he finds a place.

He's a really good dad in most ways (one or two issues I have) and I believe he will continue to be and that we will remain friends and work together in best interests of dd.

But I am petrified at the moment.

I don't want to be away from dd half the time, but I accept that I will have to be and that it is in her best interests to have time with each of us.

The end of the relationship is still sore for me (I would rather work at it - he is over it).

Hand holding and positive experiences very much appreciated if you have any.

Thanks

OP’s posts: |
diedyediedye Fri 13-Jul-18 11:53:41

My son goes to his dads 3 nights one week and 4 nights the second. It's been this way since my son was 1 and he's now 7. It's all he's ever really known and my and the ex co parent well most of the time. He drops him off every morning so I do the school run and he goes to the grandparents after school and gets picked up from there by his dad on his days.

limon Fri 13-Jul-18 11:59:24

Tha is dyed. My dd is 6 so it will be an adjustment. I think we will poss have a 3 days one week and 4 the next arrangement

I'll be reducing my hours as I want to be able to do the school pick ups (rather than use school wraparound care) on the days she's with me.

OP’s posts: |
W1neNot Fri 13-Jul-18 12:39:27

Does your ex want 50/50 care? I don't actually think it's all that beneficial to a child tbh. Where do they call home if they're only able to spend 50 per cent of their time in any place?

I understand that these days it's the starting point for negotiations but I don't think it's necessarily in a child's bests interests and it's not something I'd have agreed to ten years ago when I split up with my sons father.

limon Fri 13-Jul-18 15:32:43

Yes, he does. I also think 50:50 Is more beneficial than other arrangements b3cause ots important that the child has a strong connection with both parents.

OP’s posts: |
limon Fri 13-Jul-18 15:35:13

Ps you may not have had a choice but to agree to it, because it's not just up to one parent what happens, these days. It's not really up for negotiation. I have asked here for positive stories on 50:50 care

I would never agree to stbxdh having her more than 50% of the time and he wouldn't agree that in reverse either.

OP’s posts: |
MyDcAreMarvel Fri 13-Jul-18 15:40:26

*I would never agree to stbxdh having her more than 50% of the time and he wouldn't agree that in reverse either.*
So both of your priories are yourselves not you dd.
Children do better when they have a secure home for the majority of the time. One overnight a week , every other weekend and half holidays is better for the child.

ICanOnlyLaugh Fri 13-Jul-18 15:44:07

I grew up as the child in this situation but as you only asked for positive stories, I won’t comment further.

limon Fri 13-Jul-18 15:45:10

Oh do go away

Our priority is our dd and we agree that 50:50 is best for her.

If I were going to be selfish I would pursue mybown desire to be woth her all the time.

I have ask3d for positive stories of 50:50 not opinions on what's best for my child.

OP’s posts: |
ICanOnlyLaugh Fri 13-Jul-18 15:45:18

(I’m pretty sure my parents’ story would be positive though, so I guess it all depends where your priorities lie.)

ICanOnlyLaugh Fri 13-Jul-18 15:46:06

Haaaa I went away! I live in a different country to my parents now. Have fun 👋🏿

espoleta Fri 13-Jul-18 15:50:48

We have very positive arrangements with 3 days one week and 4 days the other. People will tell you its terrible for the child, but it has worked really well for us.
For us what is key is to be close. We have the same nanny that moves between houses.
Having equal share of the kids is not a bad thing. Its been very good thing for us and having coparents that are completely involved in all aspects of their children life is a very positive thing.
Just one thing to note is that for it to work there is constant contact between the parents for it to work.
Good luck!

espoleta Fri 13-Jul-18 15:52:05

Also I have to say it depends on the child too. Some will suit it and others wont.
You know your DD best, random bitter people on the internet dont.

espoleta Fri 13-Jul-18 15:56:14

www.custodyxchange.com/ages/school-age-child.php

bottomofthefoodchain Fri 13-Jul-18 15:56:46

I know of a few kids in this situation and they are perfectly happy, well adjusted, and consider both houses their home. They have everything and everyone they need at both homes, they can continue with any clubs they do from both homes, both parents know all their friends and what’s going on with the kids day to day. I really don’t see how one night per week, EOW and half holidays is better than that.

It can and does work perfectly well when done properly and without bitterness, etc.

Good luck!

annandale Fri 13-Jul-18 15:57:29

I have a friend who has had this arrangement with her ex for their 2 dc for years. The pattern is over a fortnight; if she is 1 and her ex is 2, the dc start the days from monday 1 2 1 2 1 1 1 2 1 2 1 2 2 2 etc.

Key things; they live within walking distance of each other, they are both good at staying in touch even when they are furious with each other, and neither has done anything stupid like have more children.

NorthernSpirit Fri 13-Jul-18 15:59:02

I would bet many of these posters don’t actually have a 50:50 arrangement. They are commenting based on their own opinions.

Personally I think it should start at 50:50. I’ve watched my OH fight through the courts to see his own children. Gone are the days when men are just providers.

I think you have the right attitude OP and you want to do the best thing for the child.

NorthernSpirit Fri 13-Jul-18 16:00:20

I meant the negative posters.

CosmicCanary Sat 14-Jul-18 08:37:20

We have 50 50 and it works very well.
The children are settled and see both houses as home.
We do live a 10 mins walk from each other so I think that helps.
We co parent very well and are flexible and respectful of each other.
We have had this arrangement for 4 years and my children are 15 14 11 & 11.

UserNr385 Sun 15-Jul-18 11:49:52

It's not selfish to want 50 - 50 custody, MyDcAreMarvel. It's far more selfish to take the child away from their dad because you don't want to be seperated from them.

When you tell your ex he can have the kids only every other weekend you're not doing it because it's the best for your kids. You're just being selfish. Would every other weekend be enough for YOU?

W1neNot Sun 15-Jul-18 18:15:26

I'm not trying to be bitter or horrible. I just don't feel that 50/50 is a good arrangement for the child. You say yourself you don't particularly want this

MyDcAreMarvel Mon 16-Jul-18 00:03:15

Sigh , you don’t get it do you User, it’s not about what’s enough for the parent , it’s what’s best for the child.

UserNr385 Tue 17-Jul-18 22:06:14

You didn't answer my question MyDc. I guess it wouldn't be enough.

Who decides what's the best for the child? What if I said 50 50 is the best arrangement for the child?

MyDcAreMarvel Wed 18-Jul-18 00:32:12

No it wouldn’t be enough for me , it’s not about me though is it like I said.
I am not divorced though and never would. What is best for a child is two parents living together, obviously as long as there is no abuse.
I commented on this thread as a professional , not as a lone parent.

incywincybitofa Wed 18-Jul-18 00:48:20

Marvel has her kicking post for a while hmm
From what I've seen 50/50 works where there is a positive desire from both parents for the best interests of the child and so an ability to co-parent rather than it being the acrimonious fallout of the desire to have full or greater share of residency from each side. Ive seen it work really well twice but both parents were integrated into all the groups around their child including sports club etc.

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