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Ex not keeping children clean on his weekends

(100 Posts)
MumOfTwoMiniMes Sun 24-Jun-18 18:37:09

Hi,
I seperated from the father of my two girls (4&5) about a year ago.
He has them every other weekend from school pick up to Sunday afternoon. There’s always something that I need to talk to him each time they’re dropped off, like lost school bag, or wearing unsuitable clothes etc. Mostly I’ve been picking my battles and only pointing out welfare based issues.
One of my main bug bears had been around baths. They’ve always had daily baths, it’s part of their routine and I think it’s important. Ex doesn’t see it as important and often forgoes a bath, I have not made an issue of it as the odd one here and there can’t harm.
However this weekend I feel a bit different, on drop off my nearly 6yr old DD informed me she only had a bath today (middle of the day too, which is odd but at least it happened) ...my issue is that she had sports day on Friday, it was a hot day and he was there for a bit of it and so saw she was getting hot and sweaty. However she didn’t get a bath until today... two days after sports day?!?
AIBU to think this is not ok?

horriblegandma Sun 24-Jun-18 18:40:56

Honestly? Leave it. Pick your battles. Its not really any of your business what he does with them providing no welfare concerns.

eve34 Sun 24-Jun-18 18:46:42

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I spoke to a friend who works in social services after I was told my children were either sleep on his friend's sofa or the floor next to his/ow bed. Kids don't shower when there or brush their teeth or hair. All of this although not expectable is not a good enough reason to stop contact.
I guess in the eyes of children's services they are dealing with situations of serious welfare and neglect and this isn't something that would reach their radar in anyway.

If you feel you can bring it to his attention I would. But I know it isn't worth it in my case. He would just dig His heels in all the more.

ArnoldBee Sun 24-Jun-18 18:48:39

My friend gives her children daily baths and in actual fact it's actually bad for their skin. My children have a bath when required which doesn't have a set routine. To be honest fitting everything into a short weekend is hard enough without fitting in daily baths. If however the children are living in unsanitary conditions that is a different matter.

dementedpixie Sun 24-Jun-18 18:51:02

Meh, my 2 tend to wash every second day so I couldn't get worked up about missing a day.

OnlyBaBaBiss Sun 24-Jun-18 18:51:11

Daily baths actually aren’t good for your skin
Sounds like you’re looking for things to be annoyed with him about

CantankerousCamel Sun 24-Jun-18 18:52:23

YABU to give young children daily baths.

Mine bath weekly at 6 and 8 and they’re fine. Childen don’t need immersing in water every day and the planet doesn’t need the waste

FatCow2018 Sun 24-Jun-18 18:52:27

Same here arnoldmy two younger ones probably have 3 baths a week. Eldest showers every day now at 11 but was at every other day until 10 or so as she just didn't need it.

MumOfTwoMiniMes Sun 24-Jun-18 18:52:43

I know the daily bath thing splits opinions...it's more around the fact she had sports day then didn't get cleaned until two days later.
I struggle to understand how he doesn't see keeping children clean a priority.

KirstenRaymonde Sun 24-Jun-18 18:53:19

There’s no need for a child to have a daily bath. It’s more likely to trigger skin issues, it strips the skin of natural oils.

Waitingonasmiley42 Sun 24-Jun-18 18:56:31

If they were going through puberty I could understand the need for a bath after running about. 4 and 5 year olds tend not to smell after exercise. I think you need to leave this alone.

Justmuddlingalong Sun 24-Jun-18 18:59:52

Is he not keeping them clean, as in washing, brushing teeth and hair? Because keeping clean and bathing are 2 separate things.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Sun 24-Jun-18 19:00:52

Did she want a bath and was denied one or did she just not care? Obviously one is more serious than the other. A bit of dirt is not going to harm her and daily baths aren't great as other people have said for the skin. If he is not letting her have baths when she asks for them though he is not considering her wishes.

Lucked Sun 24-Jun-18 19:02:39

I think leave it, we do daily baths and our children have a eczema and it helps their skin ( it can remove irritants from their skin) so people saying you shouldn't aren't necessarily right. However I don't think its neglectful to leave kids over a weekend.

I imagine your ex is lazy rather than neglectful.

Newsofas Sun 24-Jun-18 19:06:20

Leave it. As long as they happy and fed and looked after it isn’t going to do them any harm. If they were teenagers then yes they should be having showers every day but not little children. Sounds a bit much to me too - he could complain that daily baths are bad for their skin.

Roomba Sun 24-Jun-18 19:06:36

DS is 6 next month. His sports day was on Friday too. He hasn't had a bath since, though he is about to get into one in about ten seconds! His hands, face and teeth are clean. He doesn't smell awful though not sure I'd sniff his feet right now grin. Yeah, it's not ideal, I meant to bath him Fri night but it was late and he was tired so we skipped it. He was at his dad's last night and although I mentioned he needed a bath/shower they didn't have time either apparently.

If this is the only issue and he's otherwise a responsible parent, I wouldn't give it another thought tbh.

Justmuddlingalong Sun 24-Jun-18 19:09:17

And, unfortunately, after a split, each parent can parent how they want. Their routine with you has always been a bath every night. On his time, you can't control how often they bathe.

MumOfTwoMiniMes Sun 24-Jun-18 19:10:50

@Lucked your conclusion is definitely right.
I always did the washing and cleaning, he never seemed to even notice dirt.

bastardkitty Sun 24-Jun-18 19:11:35

For the person who said their children bathe once a week, that is neglectful and unacceptable in this day and age.

MumOfTwoMiniMes Sun 24-Jun-18 19:12:02

@Justmuddlingalong all of the above unfortunately. There's is just little attention to detail, once the school called me as he had dropped youngest off at nursery wearing just a t shirt and a pair of tights...in October.

bastardkitty Sun 24-Jun-18 19:14:41

OP it's terrible and I would be furious, but on its own it's not sufficient reason to stop contact. Are they allowed to have a bath or shower if they want to?

MumOfTwoMiniMes Sun 24-Jun-18 19:17:13

@bastardkitty I haven't for a moment thought of stopping contact. I just don't know how to address his lack of the basics.

bastardkitty Sun 24-Jun-18 19:20:25

Sorry - a previous poster mentioned it. How do you communicate with him? Has he taken on board other issues you've raised?

NorthernSpirit Sun 24-Jun-18 19:28:29

I would pick your battles and this isn’t one of them. You can’t control what goes on on dads time.

I have 2 DSC (10 & 13). They only bath twice a week at mums. We have the kids EOW and by the time my OH picks them up on a Friday the oldest girls hair is greasy and she’s a bit wiffy. You know what though we don’t interfere and they jump in the shower Sat morning.

Is there really ‘something I need to talk to hhim m about’ or is it about you exherting your control?

Let him parent the kids as he sees fit.

MumOfTwoMiniMes Sun 24-Jun-18 19:36:20

@bastardkitty communication is mainly by text or emails with the occasional phone conversation.

I guess I should put some context in as I probably do seem unreasonable with just the one example. Over the past year the school/nursery have had to tell me about numerous examples whereby the girls were dropped off by my ex in yesterday's dirty clothes, no coats in the winter, unwashed/unbrushed hair. He scared the youngest away from her dummy by showing her pictures of teeth braces that had gone wrong (she was 3) which resulted in nightmares and cries that someone was going to put metal in her mouth. I know 3 is old to have a dummy but the end doesn't justify the means.
Other things like he couldn't be bothered to take them to their swimming lessons on his weekend so I have had to change them to weekdays (I work full time btw).
Each example in isolation isn't a big deal, but there is a consistent lack of effort or appreciation of the basics that go into raising a child.
I don't doubt that he wants to be a good parent but anytime I attempt to address any of these I'm called a bag or bossy.

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