Complicated situation with my ex

[Overworkedmum02]

Hi, I'm looking to see if I am being unreasonable.
I split with my husband less than 3 months ago. He moved to a very small 1 room bedsit. He has started to have his female boss stay over night while his other 2 children from a previous relationship are crammed in to his bedsit. Which he thinks is fine as this female is just a friend.

I am really uncomfortable about what type of woman would do this? Also somebone has notified child services. So I have said I don't want her near my 1 year old. This has caused a lot of arguments and our co parenting relationship to totally break down.

I have asked for reassurance he will respect my wishes but I have been ignored so I am thinking of stopping unsupervised contact till this is sorted?

[NorthernSpirit]

Do not stop contact, if it goes to court this will go against you.

You can’t control what the dad does on his time. Who the children see and what they do.

My OH’s EW stopped the children seeing their dad when I met the kids (we had dated over 9 months). He took her to court and she got a telling off by a judge and the judge threatened a change of residency (this was one of a number of breaches). You really shouldn’t stop contact.

[ConfusedNoMore]

Your child is very young. I would say no to overnights because there accommodation is inappropriate for his over night guest and other children. It's not big enough an this woman shouldn't be tgere.

They're either in a sexual relationship or else they are drinking android she's unable to drive home. Why would she be stay otherwise? Either way, not appropriate for your child.

Agree to daytime only

[MummyAndSon17]

I think you have every right to be concerned for your child at the moment. If he'd have your child around this woman then he should definitely ask you if it's okay first. Maybe you could suggest "family time" as well as an afternoon on his own with the baby? At least then he's still getting to see the little one and you'll be at a piece of mind with knowing who's around your child if your spending time with your ex and your baby?

[somuchbetter]

@ northernspirit - you will need to stop trolling separated mums. They have genuine concerns and are trying to come to terms with difficult situations both for themselves and their children.
Find a therapist to unload your personal issues, you're not helping anybody!!

[somuchbetter]

I would be very worried too, the place in itself sounds unsuitable for a young child + older children, as for the presence of a stranger there - can you ask a solicitor what are your / your child's rights?
I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my children sleep under the same roof with couch surfing "friend".
If you have a court order don't break it. If you think your child is in immediate danger apply for emergency interim order.
If you don't have a court order, than you can stop the overnight contact and perhaps offer visitation or supervised contact. Make sure you inform your ex of your concerns in writing as well as your proposals for visitation.
If he wants, he can take you to court but I doubt any court would look favorably to the "five in a bed" situation, or the couch surfing friend, especially if there is no serious relationship between them.

[Kingsclerelass]

I Don’t believe for a second that the Boss lady is not sharing a bed with your ex. I suspect the reason he has told you that is to imply that your dd gets to sleep in a bed when she is really either on the sofa or on the floor.

I wouldn’t be happy either. Agree with @somuchbetter on tactics

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Erm, but it is (unfortunately) true that you can't dictate what the other parent choses to do in their contact time.

If you have concerns serious enough to believe that if he took you to court you would win, then by all means stop contact.

Similarly if you have concerns serious enough that this 'friend' is a risk to your child then by all means stop contact.

I suspect that your stopping contact WOULD be seen as obstructive in court.

There is nothing to say what the rules are regarding sleeping arrangements. Remember OP there are thousands of families in the UK living in one single room.

Yes it might not be ideal. Yes it might be nice to think that all the kids should have their own room and that your ex should not host any 'friend's whilst your child is there.

I get that you're still raw from the break up op, but is your child safe, fed and cared for whilst at dad's? It hurts like fuck I know but there really isn't much you can hope to achieve by stopping contact.

Fwiw I'm a single parent and it breaks my heart when my kids go to their dad's. But despite being an absolute cunt to me I know he worships them so no court would ever stop his contact.

[Mumteedum]

But it isn't a choice just to stop contact completely or not. These are valid concerns. The op could apply for a child arrangements order and then it would have to be agreed. Cafcass would check this out. If done through mediation, they're likely to say the overnight visitor is not appropriate.

[somuchbetter]

StrongerThanIThought76 - 5 people in a bedsit is far from ideal. Having overnight visitors in that bedsit is not appropriate when children are in their dad's care. I can reasonably assume that the boss lady doesn't spend the night there for moral support and whatever happens happens in the same room where the children are. If that is not a reasonable concern than I don't know what is.
Bearing in mind that the father can arrange his dates for such times when the children are not at his house, his behavior seems to disregard the children's well-being.
You are correct in saying she can't prevent the father from introducing a new partner but I think that there is a very valid and serious concern here whether the child is exposed to inappropriate behavior. The mother has the right to question the morality of a person who does this sort of thing and by extension how safe is her child. She asked for reassurance and was ignored.
She has to act in her child's best interest and she has a duty to look after her child's interests and well being.
The law is made to give parents protection from interference, not to give green light to parents to do as they please with a child, as long as they don't physically harm them.