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Really can’t cope with DD’s dad anymore

(15 Posts)
user1493053387 Wed 20-Jun-18 21:39:44

So long story short, broke up with DD’s dad a month ago because of constant arguing. Since then it’s just got worse. Been to mediation to arrange contact times as he wanted them. Anyway he just doesn’t stop being nasty to me. He demands to see HIS daughter when he clicks his fingers and if I don’t agree then he threatens me with something like reporting me to SS. He calls me names all the time. Demands I send him pictures of DD. Tells me I’m insecure. I literally can’t do anything right. I try and communicate about DD but no matter what I do it’s wrong. I let him know DD’s ill and taking her to the docs but then has a go as I should send him pics of DD like he wants evidence she’s ill. Honestly the list could go on with things he does, says, his family say. I’ve now got a solicitor involved because I just can’t deal with this anymore but I just know for a fact that’s going to blow up in my face even more. I’ve never stopped contact because I don’t believe DD is at risk, it’s just stuff towards me. But I just can’t deal with it anymore. It’s getting me down and I just feel like giving in to his every compand just to make my life easier. Maybe it would help to hear others that have been through something similar

OP’s posts: |
expatinspain Wed 20-Jun-18 21:41:30

All communication by email only, a letter from your solicitor laying this out and agreed contact times. Keep a record of everything. You don't have to put up with his bullying any more.

mineofuselessinformation Wed 20-Jun-18 21:58:24

Just stop.
If you have his email, tell him you will only communicate with him via email about his contact with dd, but you will tell him if there is anything else that might impact his contact, for instance if dd is ill. Also let him know you won't accept any changes in contact without reasonable notice (you decide what that might be - for instance 24 hrs?) and then stick to it.
Don't reply if he tried to contact you by any other means. Block his phone number.
He's got you dancing to his tune, so I think it's time to stop him in his tracks.

user1493053387 Wed 20-Jun-18 22:23:06

Thanks both! What you both said is exactly what my solicitor has written in a letter for me. I’ve set up an email to speak via in future. Set out contact times etc and any future contact will be based on his behaviour and the build up of regular contact. It’s just so hard. I’m trying to hard to do what’s right by our DD, offering weekly contact with various options when he only asked for 2 days a month but then starts on me because I say no to overnight just now. Its like he wants me to bite or outright say no you can’t see DD so he looks like the victim or something. I’ve just so anxious on how the next few days will go when he gets the letter!

OP’s posts: |
Mrsramsayscat Wed 20-Jun-18 23:40:36

He's trying to control you, and you absolutely can't allow him to.

Poor you.

expatinspain Thu 21-Jun-18 07:27:13

How old is your DD? I think you shouldn't discourage overnight if there's no good reason. The norm is every other weekend for the whole weekend and perhaps more in school hols and an evening in the week.

user1493053387 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:26:33

She’s just 8 months so that’s why I wanted to build up gradually to over nights. I’m happy to work up to EOW overtime. I’ve given him what he requested and have tried to give more regular consistent contact but he just wants to click his fingers and demand I do this and that and when I don’t because of the way he is with me he just gets nastier and nastier. When we were together he never really bothered getting up overnight and when he did he’d shout and swear at me for having to do it or just left her crying in her cot so I’d get up anyway. He doesn’t have a cot etc and I have to provide car seat etc when he does have her but funnily enough I wouldn’t be able to provide him the cot! I just wish he would stop being so nasty and we could communicate well about our daughter and have easier handovers, do what is best for DD (regular contact & two parents that can atleast respect each other). But all I get is abuse and threats. I worry about when DD gets older too as when I went to pick her up a while ago his sister wouldn’t hand her back to me and said ‘you’re not allowed to love mummy anymore’ as he’s managed to convince them all that I don’t let him see DD although that 100% isn’t the case, he’s never once not had contact

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Thu 21-Jun-18 08:30:17

She's far too young to have overnights with her dad.

What a horrible guy.

ElspethFlashman Thu 21-Jun-18 08:32:42

Report that to your solicitor. The sister has zero rights to see your daughter. Zero.

Whilst you can't control who sees your daughter when she's with him, there's is such a thing as parental alienation that the courts view very very badly.

If he or his family have been encouraging parental alienation there needs to be a record of it, so record that with your solicitor.

From now on, take note of EVERYTHING.

expatinspain Thu 21-Jun-18 09:16:25

Ok, that's completely different. Perhaps a better arrangement would be on a Sunday for the afternoon or something like that for now.

user1493053387 Thu 21-Jun-18 09:18:39

Yeh I did think it was too young which is why I’m trying to build up. I offered weekly but because he works 2 weekends of the month as well as weekly, apparently seeing DD for half an hour to 2 hours of an evening is pointless as he puts it. Which is another reason I’m concerned about overnights so soon. Surely building up weekly contact is a lot better for DD rather then jumping from 2 days of the month to o/n straight away. Yeh I’ve emailed my solicitor all info I have so far including the sister comment but unfortunately with her being so young I wouldn’t know any different with what they were saying to her. Since that happened ex also told me just to ring when I’m outside to collect DD as his family don’t want me knocking on their door!!

OP’s posts: |
Starlight345 Thu 21-Jun-18 13:54:43

My ex was abusive. The thing I learnt . I wanted the relationship you talk about problem is that is when only one of you want that and other is abusive they use it to there advantage .

Do correspond by email or text . If he asks something inappropriate , demand photos simply ignore.

Something I always kept in my mind was to hold the higher moral ground . So I was fair but not a walk over. But as much as any communication I could use against him he could use what I said to.

expatinspain Thu 21-Jun-18 14:21:51

Really just try to have as little contact as possible. Get in writing that you have offered a couple of hours in the evening. If he has refused, that's up to him. If it ever goes to court, you need to be seen as offering a reasonable amount of contact. With such a young child, it sounds like you have already done that.

Just make sure everything is recorded and always be civil, even when he isn't. If he threatens you or anything like that, you can get a non molestation order against him. If he doesn't bring her back or threatens to take her or anything like that, withdraw contact immediately and arrange contact through a contact centre only.

You really don't have to put up with any of his shit any more OP. As long as you are calm and reasonable, there will be nothing he can use against you, no matter what he threatens. This is why phone contact should cease immediately and drop off and pick up should be brief and amicable.

It may be possible he will change and appear reasonable when realises he can't bully you any more. This is the point where you must stick to your guns and keep things as they are. If you drop your guard and start getting into communicating with him as you are now, he will probably soon revert to type and you'll be back at square one. He's shown you who he really is, so believe him!

user1493053387 Thu 21-Jun-18 19:31:29

Starlight- I think that’s what I’m struggling with aswell as is not being over the relationship yet so getting in that head space to not let him be nasty is hard because you just want it to not be happening and the same old thinking they can change! I hope I am being fair, I’m trying not to react to anything. If he is nasty for example I give myself atleast 15 mins before I reply so I don’t react to him and try and be as ‘business like’ as possible with my responses.

Expatinspain- my solicitor has assured me that I’m being reasonable with contact and in a judges eyes seen as fair for DDs age. My solicitor has done a letter before action today outlining again what I’ve offered and saying that his behaviour needs to change otherwise will be going for a non-mol and about withdrawing contact if threats are made to not bring her back etc. I agree about sticking to my guns because I think he’s only just starting to realise I won’t put up with it anymore (as hard and sad in a way it makes me feel) so he’ll be nice and then as you say if I drop my guard slightly it is back square one so I need to just keep that guard up!

Thanks so much everyone for your responses, it really has helped. It’s reasuring to know also I’ve hopefully found myself a decent solicitor after a lot of searching as your suggestions all match with what he has said smile! It is sad that it’s got to this point but as rubbish as it is I have the most beautiful, happy and bubbly little DD out of a not so great situation so making sure she comes first and I’m the best mummy I can be to her needs to be my priority no matter what c* anyone throws my way! Thank you again everyone!

OP’s posts: |
Starlight345 Fri 22-Jun-18 22:07:27

I would also suggest you don’t even reply in 15 minutes. Give yourself far longer. He will be expecting immediate responses

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